Weddings Can Leave You Torn

This weekend I had a wonderful time celebrating my dear friends, Farah and Paul, start their life together as a married couple.  It was great to be with old friends.  It was just like we had never left each other.  We have so many stories and so much history together.  We still make each other laugh and know how we will react to things.  I don’t know why I am surprised.  Farah, May, and I were like the 3 Musketeers in college.  They’ll all soon be in Texas, and it was easy to see the life I could have there.  Even May and her boyfriend Nathan are going to end up in Texas.  I know we would have amazing lives: raise our kids together, have our very own supper club.  Its a life with a clear path.  The weekend was confusing. Not just because the comfortable life presented before me, but, of course, I met a boy.

Farah decided that she did not want me to be the only bridesmaid without a date.  She commissioned one of the groomsmen to take care of me all weekend - especially the day of the wedding.  Pennington (Penn)  is so handsome.  It broke my heart when I realized that he is only 20.  His tall, slender body is topped with a luscious head of dark locks.  I can’t decide if it is his smile or his green eyes that captivate me more.  I feel wrong for even finding him attractive because he is so young.  I try to not let myself look at him for too long.  Its hard when I catch him looking at me though.  Then he does sweet things, like pull my chair out for me and refresh my cocktail.  There are boys that really act this way?  That really have manners?

Farah keeps encouraging me, telling me to forget his age and just focus on having fun.  During the wedding ceremony I catch him looking at me from across the church.  He caught me crying while the vows were being said.  I blushed.  When we get to the reception, Penn finds me and tells me he is at my disposal for the rest of the evening. I tried to tell him that he doesn’t have to feel like he is stuck with me, but he insists that it is his pleasure.  All night he does whatever I want to do.  We eat when I get hungry; we dance when I feel the urge, and he always makes sure I have a cocktail in my hand.  He even drinks whatever I am drinking.  This boy must like me if he will drink a vodka tonic with a splash of cranberry (my signature cocktail).  

I can’t remember ever feeling so taken care of and so at ease with any man.  Penn makes me laugh, and when the Grey Goose sets in all, I want to do is brush my hand across his cheek gently.  I want to touch him and then curl into his arms.  I resist.  As the reception ends, and the party moves back to Farah’s parents’ house, I try to stay away.  Then I realize I can’t, or maybe I just don’t want to.  Things get hazy; despite my diligent effort my hard plastic drink stirrer will not function as a straw.  I get frustrated and May can’t stop laughing.  It’s time to go back to my hotel.  

I wonder if Penn can come with me, or if he would even want to.  I invite him, but he doesn’t give me an answer.  He chauffeurs a group of us back to the hotel, some of whom are far drunker than me.  Making sure everyone gets to their rooms, he parks the car, and walks me to my room.  Luckily, I’m the only one in the group on my floor. He comes in.  Who kissed who first is unclear, but the fact is neither were protesting.  After a while, Penn pulls away.  He has to go back for another car of people.  I don’t want him to leave, but he swears he will come back.  I wait for a while and conclude he won’t be back.  It is 4:00 in the morning when I hear his knock at the door, right when I was giving up.  

I let him in.  He begins to remove the layers of his tux.  I tell him I need to unpin my hair, and he asks if I need help.  I say no.  As I am standing in the mirror of the bathroom, Penn comes up behind me and starts to help pull the pins out of my hair.  I didn’t know something could be so endearing and sexy at the same time.  Where did this boy come from?  Why are there not more like him?  We spend what is left of the night together.  When the alarm goes off after a few short hours, I didn’t want him to stop holding me, nor did he want to leave me.  He kisses me before he walks out the door.  I know I will see him at brunch, but I also know that there will be no affection in front of Farah’s parents.  

We spent the day sitting at Farah’s drinking fancy champagne and watching TV.  I could feel the tension run through me, my deep urge to touch him.  Everyone wanted to come along to take me to the airport, so we caravan.  For the duration of the ride, I kept thinking how I wanted to kiss Penn goodbye.  I concluded that it was the bubbly talking.  Penn gave me a big hug, and in my ear, told me he had so much fun being my date.  I told him it was amazing and thank you.  I hugged Fara and May multiple times.  I hate goodbyes.    

As the plane landed at Reagan, and the Washington Monument came into sight, I knew it was back to reality.  I love my life and friends here.  I love the city, my apartment, our routine.  I see a different future for all of us.  Living in the city until I am ready to start a family and settle down.  Then, who knows?  Move some place close to where Chloe and the rest of the girls decide to settle down?  This life is full of mystery and without a clear path for the future.  I wish I could have both lives.  This one in DC and the one I could have in Texas.  No matter where I am, I miss someone.  Why is this so hard?  

On top of that, I spent the weekend with a boy, a 20 year-old boy.  That boy made me feel more beautiful, cared for, and alive than any other man I’ve met.  The respect with which he looked at me with is something I’ve not seen in any other man’s gaze.  I don’t know what that is supposed to mean, but somehow, I feel like it changes everything.  I just got a glimpse of what it is like to be treated like a lady.  I don’t know if I can settle for less now.