Last week was a whirlwind, a roller coaster of emotions*, if you will. After a birthday party to end all parties on Saturday, I found myself in kind of lackluster mood. I don’t really know how to describe it. It was like I knew my actual birthDAY would not be able to live up to my party. At the same time, I knew that was the point of the epic birthday party, to go all out - because my birthday was in the middle of the week.
When the day rolled around, I was swamped at work, and 5pm could not get here any faster. I had dinner reservations at Cava Mezze, one of my favorite place in DC. There were 8 of us, and dinner was so much fun! We talked about TV, dating apps, and everything else under the sun. I then went with Chloe to Meg’s house so we could watch Pretty Little Liars and The Vineyard (So obsessed, reason why to come in a different post). It was great just spending time with my amazing friends!
I once again was pushing my twitter campaign to have Rob Lowe wish me happy birthday. Again this year, it did not work out, but my favorite Good Morning America anchor, Josh Elliott, came to my rescue again this year. Thank you, Josh, for making my birthday so much more special!
The real shocker of the week was my run in with Liam (See The Many Loves of my Life). Well, if you can call seeing him at a bar and walking in the other direction as running into someone, then that is what happened. I was at a place downtown that I never go. Katie and I were there for a going away party for one of the boys, Mac, who is leaving for Officer Candidate School. Of course, Mac is incredibly late for his own party. I had just ordered a drink, was turning away from the bar to talk to Katie, and right over my shoulder I found Liam’s roommate Michael. I used to really get along with Michael back in the day, so I felt the need to say hi, not even thinking that it probably meant Liam was also there. Sure enough while we are exchanging pleasantries I see Liam from over his shoulder. I kind of freeze and instead of saying hi to him, I tell Michael it was good to see him and walk away.
I felt like I had just seen a ghost. I had forgotten how tall he is, and I immediately regretted not having heels on. I was so glad the loud music covered the booming coming from my chest. I needed to breathe, and find a way to go say hello. I had thought about this for months now, ever since I saw him at the metro. I just knew we would rekindle our friendship if we just ran into each other. Except the shock of seeing him again made it feel like friendship is not an option. I don’t know how to talk to him anymore, or if he even wants to talk to me. When he left 2 years ago I gave him a note that said, among other things, that I would always be there for him if he ever wanted my friendship again. He hasn’t.
When I finally got the nerve to go say hello, he was gone. I missed my opportunity. A gchat or email will never have the warmth needed to help choose to give someone another chance. Looking someone in the eye and trying to remember why you were even mad in the first place, that is how you realize you're over something. I walked away from my chance to get over him, or to be forgiven for whatever grave offense he believes I committed so many years ago.
In many ways I am glad it happened this way. For two years I have been holding on to a glimmer of hope that one day he might love me. Months ago, when I spotted him at the metro, I feared that we might always be strangers in a crowd, now I know we are. It is a painful reality. I had hoped that seeing me might remind him of the amazing times we had as friends.
My mother likes to say that Liam is a flawed man, but surprisingly, I don’t see it that way. Although he shut me out, I know that Liam is a good man. Good men are hard to find, and that is why knowing once and for all that our story has come to an end is so painful. It hurts to have a good man choose to walk away, choose not to talk to you, and choose life without you.
Although this hurt, hurts, I still feel blessed! As depressed as I got about turning a year older, I came out of it with a few very important truths about myself. I am absolutely blessed with wonderful, caring friends who make me laugh, are there to talk, wipe my tears, and know when a cocktail is needed. These people that fill my life are my family, and like family they love me for all of my quirks. Also, I remembered the most important part, I am who I am and I love me for it. My thighs will probably always rub together when I walk, and my arm may always wave back at me, but that is okay. I do not need to change me to please other people. The man that I am meant to be with with will love me exactly how I am.
As you can see, last week I came full circle. I know I am not always the most upbeat person, and on this blog I am very honest, and self-deprecating. I do want all of you to know that I may not always be comfortable in my own skin, but I am getting there. Thank you for taking this journey with me, and being apart of one of my many blessings.
