You can’t hide forever. Eventually there is going to be that thing you can’t run from anymore. I have the sneaking suspicion that my running days are over. Whether it’s from Hadley or D, or both, I am not entirely sure. This weekend, while rocking a sexy red cocktail dress, I was informed that I am a social pariah. I was aware that it was a possibility, but to hear it out loud was a different thing altogether.
I thought it would bother me more, to know that people are practically getting shunned for talking to me. It is actually kind of liberating. I don’t have to care, and I know I shouldn’t anyway. I have nothing to hide or be ashamed of, I did nothing wrong. For the first time in maybe forever I feel comfortable in my own skin. I don’t feel the need to please other people if it means doing something that I don’t want to do.
As for D, I know it is my choice to go back to that weekly social gathering for the last month it ever exists. It has been almost a year since we have been in that rather small room together. I think I can handle it, but tonight will be the test. It is bigger than him, it is a place I used to call home, my Cheers, closing down. My heart is still racing out of anxiety, out of fear of what I might feel. He is not worth my time and it isn’t about him. Still, I can’t help but be nervous. For over a year we have been skillfully avoiding each other. I can’t hide forever. Not from D, not from Hadley, not from the fear of irrelevance.
Maybe that is why I enjoy the idea that I am a social pariah, the idea that being despised is better than being unnoticed. I know I am better than that, have come to far to fall into that trap again. I don’t need to be liked, but I don’t need to be hated or even noticed to be happy either. As long as I am being myself, it doesn’t matter if people acknowledge me. The people who are worth my time will like me for me, be there no matter what, and won’t be scared off by other peoples’ feelings about me. But to be true to myself I also have to stop making my decisions based on who may or may not be somewhere. My decisions are my own, not affected by anyone. I will not be controlled by fear, I will not hide, and I will not be weak just because someone expects me to be.
Over the last 8 months I have become the strongest version of myself. I look in the mirror and don’t just see my flaws, or the extra pounds I want to lose. I find the features that I love about myself. I love mouth, the cupids bow of my top lip and the poutiness of my bottom lip. I love the way my blue eyes give away exactly what I am feeling if someone cares enough to notice. I love the natural arch in my lower back right above bubble butt. I love my strong calves and the way they look in my sky high heels.
I now also really believe that I deserve more from men than what I have settled for in the past. I believe I deserve to be asked out on a date, and have made it a requirement before I will even kiss someone. Before I always wanted more, to be treated better, but I never demanded it. It is ok to weed out the frogs because I am not 22 anymore. I don’t need to find a prince, but it is not too much to ask for someone that wants know how my day was. Standards show that I love myself, and that I deserve someone else’s love.
Loving myself is not easy, it is a constant struggle that I don’t always win. I still am too quick to judge myself, but then I realize that the only person that hurts is me. When I think I look fat in a dress instead of thinking it is unflattering that is just me giving into my insecurities. No one is perfect, I am far from it myself, but even with my flaws I am a much better version of myself. Social pariah or not, I am finally starting to see myself as a person of worth.
