A Final Attempt

I guess Dressgate was totally worth it since I have never had so many compliments on a dress in my life.  I felt pretty, and that was exactly what I was going for.  Taste of The South was such a fun event, although I still can’t feel my toes.  It was wonderful to see so many people that I rarely run into anymore.  There is one person who I still can’t decide how I feel about running into, Liam (The Many Loves of my Life, Strangers Now?).  

It’s been two years since I've seen Liam, yet he looks exactly the same, he looks good.  Boy always has looked good in a suit, and in a tux dear god!  It’s funny how seeing someone can trig things you haven't felt or thought about in quite a while.  I can’t remember the last time Liam had crossed my mind, but the moment I saw him I had a knot in the pit of my stomach.  I don’t know if it is because I will always have feelings for him, or if I just have never known what went wrong with us, but seeing him throws off my equilibrium.  

After a few cocktails I decided that I looked too good not to take this opportunity to talk to him.  Shoving my throbbing feet back in my heels I threw caution to the wind and went and said hello.  He was nice, cordial, asking several times if I was well.  We said let’s get drinks and catch up sometime and that was it.  I had done it, probably a little drunker than I should have, but at least I had talked to him.  

Although I am proud of myself for talking to him, I have not been able to shake him from my thoughts.  Liam and how our friendship abruptly ended with no explanation is one of my life’s mysteries.  I decided that I would email him.  Just a quick good to see you.  Glad to know you are well.  Let’s grab a drink some time.  Short and sweet and cordial, like our run in at TOTS.    

Sometimes you do things not because you expect something in return, but for yourself.  You need to know you did everything to try to possibly save something that once meant so much to you. That is what that email was for me. It was my attempt for him to get to know the woman I have become, and to find out what kind of man he has become. Four years ago I was a girl trying to figure out what it meant to be an adult. I was idealistic, believing that life could be as simple as falling into the job I always wanted and meet an amazing boy all at the same time.  I had yet to take off the rose colored glass that I wore to look at the world.  

Liam was the light in that world that was starting to be so much different that I had dreamed.  He was more kind to me than any boy had ever been in all my life, and truly no one has been as kind since.  I was used to being called fat, and written off by the guys I went to college with.  When Liam would tell me I looked pretty his eyes showed that he was sincere.  The way they would twinkle and the corners of his mouth would curl into the hint of a smile always gave his thoughts away.  Seeing him I felt like I was that 23 year old girl all over again, looking for that twinkle and that hint of a smile.  But I am not that girl, I am so much better.  I am a woman that seeks approval in myself, not others.  I know who I am, what I want, and that I am the only one that can get it for myself.  

I don’t know that I can ever truly express how much Liam meant to me back then, what he represented, or how hard I would fight for him in my life if it was a possibility.  That is what my email was, one more attempt to fight, just so I can know I did.  Liam won’t respond, I knew that when I sent it.  The final decision about our friendship was made by him long ago.  I guess I was just holding on to a tiny glimmer of hope that he might have forgive whatever it was that destroyed our friendship.  Now I know that any hope for that is gone.  Maybe now my heart won’t flutter if I see him, maybe now I can finally let go.  

Dressgate 2015

This Saturday is one of my favorite nights of the year in DC - Taste of the South or TOTS.  TOTS is a black tie charity gala where the states that make up the South (and some pretending to be the South) offer up their states’ famous food in themed booths. It is a fun excuse to get all dolled up, drink and dance.  For me, it holds an extra meaning since it reminds me of home.  

I grew up in a small, very old Southern town.  The kind with antebellum homes on every other corner, crape myrtles lining the streets, and the garden clubs still hold a certain amount of power over the social scene.  Cocktail parties and balls were a part of life.  Slipping on a cocktail dress is like slipping into my comfort zone.  Some might find the hours spent on hair, nails, and makeup to be tedious, but to me, it is one of the most treasured moments.  Some women thrive on a hike, in a yoga class, but I thrive in the very tiny significant details that go into the perfect formal look.  

Knowing this, you can understand how excited I get after the ticket to TOTS is purchased and the development of the evening’s look begins.  Usually after hours of online shopping and comparisons I choose a look and order a dress.  This year however has been unlike any other; it has been what I like to refer to as Dressgate 2015.  

Like any other year, I started looking online at the different department stores’ websites - trying to find a cocktail dress in a 16 that didn’t better belong on a mother-of-the-bride. To my surprise I found the perfect mixture of classic and sexy and at a reasonable price to boot.  My mom even said she would buy it for me!  I had a promo code that was only good on Sunday, so I decided to wait the 3 days to get the bigger discount.  Sunday rolls around and as I begin to purchase the dress - sold out! Panic sets in.  I am back to the drawing board.  I spent hours looking at dresses, sending Chloe and my mom links.  After all the online shopping sites became a blur I found myself torn between two dress, two different looks.  Mom said order them both and it felt like the dress fiasco was averted, but it had only just begun.  

A week later the dresses arrive.  I opened the Nordstrom box that held my front runner, and it was even more beautiful in person.  As I undid the plastic, I could envision my hair and makeup, this was it!  I try it on, and my heart sinks.  It doesn’t zip!  My chest is too large.  It’s a 16 and that is the biggest size they make!  All you ladies out there surely understand how finicky formal wear sizing is.  After a search for a plus size version, I began the hunt for other options, after ruling out dress number two for it’s odd fit and even odder color.

Swallowing my pride, I went to websites known for their plus size selection.  Yep, it is time to take the leap and accept I am plus size.  I ordered 3 different dresses and after looking at the size chart decided to go a size up.  Three dresses, all very different silhouettes, surely one of these is going to be THE ONE!  When the two boxes arrived I was so excited to see how pretty the fabrics were in person, only to find that they were all WAY too big!  At this point I feel a little bit like Goldilocks, not sure if I will find that dress that is just right.  

I once again took to the online stores, but decided two of my most recent options were very pretty and I would just size down.  I also ordered a 3rd, different option.  As I wait for the new dresses to arrive in what is now officially Dressgate, I start to really fall in love with one in particular.  A soft blue with gold lace, an adult homage to Cinderella.  I am envisioning my hair whimsical and my makeup soft.  This would be a moment to be pretty, not hot or sexy but pretty!  Pretty is a very underappreciated description, and feeling for that matter.  Feeling pretty puts a twinkle in your eye and a hop in your step.  Pretty is how I felt when I put on my first cocktail dress.  I remember the first boy that ever called me pretty.  Pretty is nostalgic.    

Tuesday - yet another round of boxes arrived, if you have lost count I have returned 5 dresses already, and I reach for my Cinderella dress first.  I slip it over my head and pull the zipper up with ease, too much ease!  It is still too big in the bodice!  It’s okay - I still have two other options, no need to panic, yet.  Dress number two is too look-at-me, and frankly I am not happy enough with my weight to drawl that kind of attention.  Dress three is still WAY too big.  Not sure that I can get the blue dress altered in time, I pull out my old faithful dress and see if it still fits.  It does and it is still very pretty on, but then I count in my head how many events I have worn it to before.  So the only thing there is to do is call the tailor.  

Now, my Cinderella moment is having 2 inches taken in on the sides.  I will not say Dressgate is over until I pick it up and know it fits, but it is safe to say that it has been quite the journey.  Yes, I had to find a dress, but it also directly relates to my current body image.  I love my curves, but I am not 100% comfortable in how curvy I am these days.  Nothing amplifies stress over your body then not being able to find a dress that fits.  I linger somewhere between regular and plus size, and no matter how hard it is, I have to remind myself that my dress sizes does not define me or if I am pretty or not.  

As I prepare the minute details for Saturday, such as when to get a spray tan, what colors should my nails be, and do i have a lipstick to match my excitement grows.  Even though finding a dress has been a bit of a challenge, I still can’t wait for Taste of the South.