Changes

Putting yourself back together again requires so much work, so many changes.  First you have to break the habit.  Replacing social obligations with something different and self focused.  I replaced my habit, my weakness, with a gym membership.  Hopefully this will make me stronger in every way.  I still don’t know how I feel about being the kind of person that goes to the gym.  I feel overwhelmed, out of place, and invisible.   Except the hurt the next day is the good kind, the kind that remind you that you did something good for yourself.  That is definitely a change.  I will just have to get used to the way these random women strip down in the locker room, how unattractive and sweaty I look when I work out, and the fact that I will not get hot over night.  

I miss my old routine, the people I use to see, my friends and our time together.  I wish I could fast forward to when I am over things and everything can go back to normal.  The thing about making changes though is it is hard to go back to the way things were before.  I am scared that nothing will ever be the same.  

Change means trying new things.  I thought that meant I needed to kiss someone new.  Clear my mind, my boy palate if you will.  I wanted someone to help me remember what it is like to be kissed and to forget everything else.   Last week I had been talking to this sweet guy all night but was taken by surprise that he leaned over and kissed me.  When he kissed me there was that initial excitement, the excitement of having someone else’s lips press against yours.  The rush of someone wanting to be that close to you is overwhelming at first.  

He was an excellent kisser so I hoped that my numbness was just the alcohol. It didn’t matter.  I just wanted someone to push me up against a wall and let me lose myself in them.  I was relieved that I didn’t feel anything and that he didn’t ask for my number.  I don’t want to feel anything for any guy right now.  I don’t want to hurt or crush, just to feel absolutely nothing.  That would be a change for me, to not feel.  

At the end of the day I don’t want to fundamentally change who I am.  I want to make myself better.  I want to wake up everyday and feel confident in my own skin again.  Change is hard, but change is a good thing.  

The Break Down

Sometimes no matter how strong we are, no matter how well we are taking something, we just need to break down.  My moment came in the guest bathroom of a large house in Georgetown.  Katie was house sitting and I didn’t want to be alone, so I found myself as a visitor in spectacular house.  I was just about to put on my mascara, listening to Lady Antebellum Radio on Pandora, and it just hit me.  The tears rushed down like a waterfall, crippling me.  I crumbled to the ground from the weight of my heavy heart.  I am not sure why exactly.  I know that everything that happened is for the best, that I get the chance to move on, but that doesn’t mean I don’t hurt.  When someone that you care about so much doesn’t choose to be with you, it’s like you have no air.  

I knew he wouldn’t choose me, that he would have a long time ago if he wanted to.  I guess part of me always held out hope that my life was going to ended up like a movie, where no matter how impossible it is you actually get what you want.  

More than anything I wonder if there is ever going to be anything left of me for someone to love.  When the tears were streaking my makeup I was wondering why men seem to find me so unlovable.  What is it that I am missing?  As I pull myself up with help from the cool marble counter top I realize I have to figure out how to make myself whole again.  

I know that this isn’t something that I can turn to the girls about.  I chose my own path to closure, one I do not regret.  As much as I love and need my friends, I am the only one that can bring me back to life again.  I hate that.  I hate that I do not get to cry into my glass of wine on Chloe’s couch while playing with the cats.  Unfortunately, there are just something you have to do on your own.  

Goodbye for Now ...

Sometimes goodbyes are forever, sometimes they are see you soon, and sometimes they are something a little more gray than that.  Last night D and I sat down sober for a frank conversation.  I went in planning to say goodbye forever but walked away with a goodbye until I am better.  

My friends made me feel like I had no choice but to shut D out completely.  Their intervention email felt more like an ultimatum.  It felt like I would loose them if I didn’t do what they thought was best.  Their method felt cold and like an attack, but I know it came from a good place, a place of love and concern.  At the end of the day I had to do what I felt comfortable with.  I know they didn’t think I should talk to D, but I couldn’t walk away without some answers.  If I did I would have always had what ifs and I would never have been able to get over my feelings for him.  I did what I had to do for me.  I hope one day they will understand that.  If not understand than at least respect my decision.

As we sat at the little table at Starbucks I didn’t know where to begin.  “Tell me about her” was the only place I could think to start.  As he described her his eyes lit up, the way I use to think they did when he saw me, but this was the real deal.  He really loves her.  It was in that moment that I knew I didn’t have to say goodbye forever.  I am not sure why that is the conclusion I came to, but it is one that I still feel good about.  The goodbye letter I had in my purse didn’t apply any more.

He answered every question, even the hard ones like had he ever cheated before.  The answer to that is no.  I was not some girl in a slew of other drunken mistakes.  I never thought he was that kind of guy, but I have been wrong before.  I know that this doesn’t make the fact that he cheated at all any better, but for me I just felt less cheap.

He took responsibility for his part in all of this, and so did I.  I was not an innocent party and I know that.  I understand his personality better, that he never meant to lead me on and by no means had malicious intentions.  He let me talk, let me bare my soul.  I think we both have a better understanding of each other and had our first real conversation as friends.  Our topics were varied and I let myself be open.  I saw why I have liked him so much, but I also saw why I think he might be right about being friends.

I had to make a decision.  I told him I would be staying away from our weekly social engagement that put us in the same place.  He said he knew that that time with my friends is so important to me and he hates for me to give that up.  Per his suggestion he is going to let me know the weeks that he won’t be there for as long as I need.  

D was very adamant the whole time that he really thought we could be friends.  I told him I just needed time to get my shit together.  I know in time my feelings will fade and what will be left is possibly a wonderful friendship.  Who knows, one day he could be that friend that I call for a guys opinion on a situation.  

My feelings for him, my attraction to him, is not going to fade overnight.  It may be a month or 6 months before I am really ok.  Though, I know I am in a much better place than I was in before we sat down and talked.  That was the hardest conversation I have ever had with someone, but I also feel like I just grew a lot because I was adult enough to have it.  

So, this is goodbye to D as all of you know him.  For me it is goodbye to D for now.  When I am ready, if I am ever ready, his friendship will be waiting for me.