Moving On

I think Stefan and I are working out after all.  I know what you may be thinking -  I just told someone else I loved them, and that is supposed to mean something.  It does, but it can’t.  

When Stefan texted and asked for a last minute drink date the night after I said the L word, I went.  I went because, even though what Stefan and I have is not perfect, it is a step in the right direction.  When we are together, we act like a couple.  He makes me laugh, he pays attention, and he gives me that giddy feeling in the pit of my stomach.  Those few hours we hung out that night made me realize that there is potential for something real between us.  

I try not to put all of my eggs in one basket though.  My hair stylist called me the next afternoon and asked if she could give a cute client of hers my phone number.  I had seen him in the salon before, so I said yes.  We met for drinks at one of my regular places, that way, I had backup if needed.  He was sweet, but kind of meek.  It was nice, but just nice.  The whole time I just kept thinking, “I don’t have that feeling”, you know the spark.  So, I thanked him for a lovely evening, and that was it.  

Betsy and I had our Christmas party, but Stefan couldn’t make it.  I really wanted him there, but a few cocktails in, I got flirty with a handsome gentleman that kept making making me martinis.  Again, its the whole eggs-in-one-basket thing.  I am a flirt, especially when I am in a cocktail dress.  I also love a bit of a challenge, and a boy as suave as this particular one was hard for me to resist.  So, by the end of the night, I found myself with Mr. Martini under the mistletoe.  

Even though I kissed Mr. Martini, I woke up the next day thinking about Stefan.  I realize I need to stop chasing things that aren’t attainable, even if I do pull them off sometimes.  I keep saying I want to find something real, but I keep setting myself up for heartbreak.  I like Stefan, and we have potential, even if we aren’t exclusive.  That became more clear when we hung out on Monday.  Seeing each other twice in a week is a step in the right direction.  I just want to take things slow,and maybe, for the first time in my life, do things right, not get overly excited or clingy.  If they don’t work out, then it isn’t meant to be, but I am not shutting myself off to something with real potential, not this time.  

I know what you may be thinking, “How could I say the L word to someone, and a week later, now say that I am figuring things out with someone else?”  The truth is, I have had feelings for D for a very long time.  Things were/ are a mess in my life, and I was projecting.  I shouldn’t have said it, and I am not sure I still mean it.  I know I meant it once upon a time.  Now, whether I have feelings for D still or not, I do have real feelings for Stefan.  I am going to let life play out.  Knowing me, it won’t be boring.

The Truth Hurts

I might have just fucked up my life.  I never thought I would say it in words, but I did.  I just told a boy with a girlfriend that I loved him, and I just fucked my life up.  

I don’t know how to move on from this.  I don’t know how to love another, but at the end of the day, I loved him.  I lost my job 2 weeks ago.  I thought I would recover, but instead I fell apart.  Everything seems to be falling apart.

I am so lost after telling the truth, and I never thought about what I would say afterwards.  All I had to do was keep pretending, and I couldn’t.  Why couldn’t I keep pretending?    

I would rather lay on top of the covers and feel the cold that my heart is also feeling.  I am breaking again.  I know it wasn’t right of me to say it.  I know he made his choice months ago, a year ago, but my heart never walked away.  No matter how much I told it to, no matter how much my head ventured away, my heart stayed with the situation that could never make it happy, a boy with a girlfriend.  

I didn’t love him when he kissed me.  I didn’t love him in February when he got jealous and told me so.  I can not pinpoint the moment that I started loving him, but somewhere along the way I let myself fall.  I realized it for the first time when I thought he was single in July, when I thought I may actually have a shot to see how he really feels about me.

I never meant to say it out loud.  It’s all a little hazy.  I don’t even know exactly what I said; I just know I shouldn’t have said it.  I didn’t want to lose him in my life and that is exactly what I just did.  He wants to make our friendship work, but at the end of the day, I don’t know if it ever can.  The not-so-simple truth is I do love him.  I want to stop. I need to stop.  Someone tell me how to stop.  

If I could tell him one more thing, it would be that I am so sorry!  I am so sorry that I said those words.  I wish I could take them back.  I wish I could take it all back! I wish we could start all over from the beginning.