Dating is Hard

I am sure all of you are tired of the self-discovery, emotionally-settled Harper because I give you nothing juicy to read.  The truth is it kind of bores me too.  I am trying to have a healthy dating life and all that means is a lot more lonely nights.  I am not supposed to kiss a boy unless he takes me on a date first, which puts quite the damper on my kissing whore ways.  I know it is for the best, and if I want something real I have to actually spend my time with other people looking for the same thing.  

So, I pay for Match.com, and I have gone on a total of zero dates in the past 2 months.  The men that want to talk to me ignite zero spark.  I go through my daily matches and I message the men I am interested in only to be disappointed by the lack of response.  Tinder is a confidence booster and Match.com is a confidnce killer.  Maybe that is why I broke all my rules for a tall lobbyist with mesmerizing green eyes.  Evan was the only guy in all of Jack Rose that I wanted to talk to.  I spent hours trying to figure out a way to get him to talk to me, and finally his group split enough for me to find an in.  While ordering a drink at the bar we struck up a conversation and before I knew it he was paying for my drink and getting my number.    

As we went back to our respective friend groups my phone buzzed.  As we texted and made plans for a date the next week I couldn’t help but want to kiss Evan.  Out of the blue, a drink appeared in front of me, and yet Evan didn’t stick around to talk.  Could it be his motives were pure?  The rules went out the window.  I had to make out with this man, but right when I made my decision, his friends insisted that he leave.  Shortly after my own group started to break apart, and I decided to head home alone.  While in the cab my phone dings and it was a certain lobbyist wondering if I was still out.  

I knew I shouldn’t break my rules but the idea of that tall gorgeous man kissing me, touching me put me over the edge.  The invitation was extended, he was in a cab heading my way.  I frantically picked things up around my apartment and stuffed them in drawers and closets, damning my lack of cleaning in recent days.  I checked my make up, peeled off my spanxs and replaced them with something lacey.  Although, I made it very clear that if he came we were just making out, what adults remain fully clothed when rolling around a bed, even if they are just making out?

I buzz him up, anxiety coursing through me.  When he walks through the door he kisses me, grabbing my face with one hand and slightly lifting me with the other to bridge the foot difference in our height.  Damn.  That was all I could think, damn.  He pulls away gazes into my eyes and says, “hi.”  I reciprocate the greeting and then he says something so simple yet so sexy, “I have been wanting to do that since the moment I saw you.”  How can you not kiss someone after hearing something like that?

As he breathed my name into my ear I felt my whole body ignite.  There is something exhilarating about a man whispering your name while they explore every curve, unwilling to stop touching any part of you that they are allowed.  It is empowering, intoxicating, thrilling to have someone unable to get enough of you, unwilling to leave your bed, in awe of your beauty.  It’s a high, and I know I am like an addict that just fell of the wagon.  The physical touch does not fill my craving for love, just intensifies it.  It begins the “will he or won’t he call?”

Surprisingly, Evan was a man of his word, at first at least.  He texted me on the first day of my new job, and he made plans to take me to dinner that he actually followed through on.  I had a lovely time and felt this spark with him, but after that dinner I never heard from him again.  After igniting a spark he left me to alone to go up in flames.  That is why I don’t break the rules, that is why you stay on the wagon, to avoid that feeling of not being worth the real thing.  

I know I deserve the spark, the electricity, and the relationship.  That is why I shouldn’t kiss someone before they earn it, shouldn’t share my bed with someone that can’t take the time to take me on a date.  As much as I pretend I am a modern woman that can separate the physical and the emotional when a boy lays in my bed, looks me in the eyes and tells me I am beautiful I melt.  Dating is hard, and it is anything but simple.  But I am not giving up just yet.      

A Bend in My Road

As I turn on my computer at work for the last time in my little cubicle, I am feeling things I never thought I would be feeling.  I am happy, ecstatic even, to be moving on to a better job with a big raise, better commute, more vacation and more room for growth.  I am also sad to leave some of the people to whom I have grown close and a job that was here when I so desperately needed one.  This place made room for me when I had nothing, it brought the industry I grew up in and my passion together wielding them into something fulfilling.  Unfortunately every opportunity has a ceiling; you can only grow so tall before you reach it.    

I am also frightened.  What if I am not as good as I think I am at what I do?  What if, at the end of my 3 month provisional period, they decide to let me go?  I know this is just nerves talking.  I am sure on Sunday night I won’t be able to sleep.  I have already picked out the perfect first day outfit, decided on how to wear my hair, and if I should wear lipstick or not.  I will, as always, control the things I can about the day.  It is like the first day at a new school, hoping and praying that you will fit in. but I have to remind myself that they picked me.  I am who they want for this job, and they see something in me that tells them I can do it.  

My career has taken many bumps and turns over the last four years, and I have ended up in places that I never thought likely.  It reminds me of something my mom has always told me, “Man plans and God Laughs.”  I may not be a highly religious person at this juncture of my life, but I am spiritual and believe in the power of prayer.  I knew making the decision to leave my current job was a life changing one, and I prayed for clarity.  Although I am nervous, and frightened about what lies ahead for me I have no doubts about my decision. I am coming around the next bend in the road of my life, and am ready for what lies ahead.  

When I started this blog 2 years ago it was mainly about boys, and one in particular.  This blog, much like my career, has taken many unexpected turns.  While writing about my Tinder adventures and my heart breaks, my sexscapes and my insecurities, I found something, me.  Between the lines of every post, in the space between my fingers and the keys I found a happier, more fulfilled version of myself.  That is why I will continue to share the twists in my road with you, as my journey continues on.