How I ended 2015, and how I have started 2016 feel like opposites. Although I had an amazing New Years Eve with my single girl-friends, there was a part of me that was deeply sad. We got dressed up, went to an amazing long dinner, and spent midnight watch the ball drop drinking champagne and playing Cards Against Humanity. But I guess there was a part of me that couldn’t get Christmas Eve out of my mind.
Christmas Eve is supposed to be a joyous night, and it started off that way. I shouldn’t have gone out to the bar with my brother after our family dinner. I should have stayed in and watched Hallmark Movies with my mom, in the safe spot on the couch in my childhood home. Instead, I went to the same dive bar I used to sneak into before I was 21, hoping to see old friends and let nostalgia comfort me. Instead I encountered judgement and an icy reception from people who never left our small town. So I drank more than I probably should have. With that, the feels I had been pushing down for months came bubbling to the surface.
See, in 2015 I kissed one person, just one. I walked away from him, let’s call him M, because I cared more than he did. He started it, he kissed me, but the hard part is he didn’t really mean it. M wanted someone who was ok with being an afterthought in his life, and all I want is someone that wants to make me, and our relationship, a priority. I tried to stay away, not to flirt when we were at the same parties, but for some reason I just seemed to like him more. The more I tried not to care the more I seemed to. His face, his weird laugh, they just made my heart flutter despite myself. I knew our lives were in very different places, but there was just this part of me that could see what it would be like down the road when things fell into place. That is probably why the night I accepted my new job he was who I wanted to spend it with; although I told myself it was because I just didn’t want to be alone, that the moment was too big to not share it.
When I showed up to a Halloween party a month later and saw him kissing his new girlfriend, I fell apart. I always thought the reason we weren’t together was because he didn’t want to commit to anyone. Apparently he just didn’t want to commit to me. I cried myself to sleep that night. I allowed myself to be sad for one day and then pushed it all deep down, pretending that it didn’t matter, that he didn’t matter to me. It was easy enough to keep my emotions in check, I have a lot of practice at it. That is, until he texted me the week before Christmas.
I had been very cold with M every time he texted, hoping that playing hard to get would make him want more from me. The problem is it just made me miss him more. That is exactly what I was feeling on Christmas Eve, add wine and you get a text that never should have been sent. “I miss you.” Something about me felt desperate to know if he felt anything for me. I couldn't start another year waiting around on him, hoping he would wake up and realize he wanted to be with me. His response was not what I hoped for. He “is all over the map” and doesn’t know what he wants. I, in true Harper fashion, felt like I had to lay it all out on the table, like it would make a difference to send some romcom declaration. I told him, “ I want someone who really cares about me and wants to be a part of my life. If that isn’t you then I will move on. But know that this is it with me. This is me giving you another shot before I move on. But for the record I have always wished it was you.”
This lead to the 2 shots of Fireball, and making my brother take me home. We fought in the car about how I pick jerks, and he doesn’t understand why I fall so hard. The irony is on the walk from the car to my front steps I did fall hard, flat on my face. Bleeding and bawling like a baby, I sat in my mom’s bathroom telling her I didn’t understand why he didn’t love me while she doctored my scrapes. I said something out loud in that I hadn’t fully realized until that moment. I just don’t know how many times I can keep starting over like this. I don’t know what is left of my heart, it has just been broken so many times.
When M said he thought we should talk about my feelings in person a few days later, I was too proud to take the opportunity. I told him I didn’t think it was necessary. Maybe that was a mistake, but in that moment I just couldn’t sit in front of another man while they told me it was them not me or whatever version of that conversation he planned on having with me.
As the ball dropped and 2015 officially ended I couldn’t help but wonder who M was kissing at midnight. Although I was in a room with 3 of my very best friends, doing the things we love to do, I wasn’t completely there. I was deep within myself trying to both mourn what will never be and heal my own heart.
At Chloe’s famous New Year’s Brunch on the 2nd, on hour 9 or 10 of drinking I texted one more time. Then said sorry I shouldn’t be texting. Having a man tell you to do what is best for you, and “you are a pretty girl” somehow makes it all sting worse. Like being pretty is a consolation prize for someone rejecting your heart. Crying in Chloe’s bathroom I felt like such a fool. I decided in that moment that in 2016 I didn’t want to be foolish anymore.
So here we are 15 days into 2016, and so far it is going pretty well. I got a raise. I have found a new 1 bedroom apartment in the most adorable building on Capitol Hill.. I joined Weight Watchers, and have already lost 8 pounds. Couch to 5k is kicking my ass, but I haven’t given up yet. 2016 is going to be the year of Harper. I am going to get healthy and feel good about my body. Instead of working to find a boyfriend, I am going to focus on my job. The opportunity I have with my new job is amazing, and I want to make sure I make the most of it.
Of course my heart is still hurting, but instead of letting it bleed into every part of my life, I am trying to leave it in 2015. I am looking at what I had with M as personal progress. I spent 2015 trying to make things work with one person instead of running around kissing anyone who would kiss back. M didn’t have a girlfriend, and he wasn’t ruthless with me. Just because things didn’t work with us doesn’t mean he isn’t a good man. With time, my heart will heal, but I don’t plan on giving it to anyone anytime soon. 2016 isn’t about love for me, at least not romantic love. 2016 is about loving the things I already have, the people that already make my life so full. I might have ended 2015 heartbroken, but I am starting 2016 full of hope and love.
