As I have watched my parents relationship fracture and crumble, I have seen the man my father truly is. As the lies are exposed and the rose colored glasses are removed, I wonder if I will ever be able to trust a man fully again. How do I continue to believe in love when my example of love is broken? Somehow I still have hope that someone is out there for me, and if they are, I have a few things to say to them.
Hello,
I am not sure if you are out there looking for me, or if we have already met. Maybe you are still sowing your wild oats, and that is ok. When we make our way to each other I want you to be ready. We won’t be young and stupid or trapping each other. I want us to choose each other. I want you to see my flaws with open eyes and love me because I am not perfect, not in spite of it.
Be forewarned, I come with baggage. I have spent my life being an afterthought for the men in my life, neglected and ignored. Make me a priority, because you will always be my priority. Hold my hand when we are walking through a crowd so that I never feel lost. Never hush me or try to dampen my light because you never want me to feel small. Learn the small things about me, like how I take my coffee or what I want on my hamburger. Those small everyday things are more important than the big romantic gestures to me. I would rather you really know me than have the big social media worthy moments.
Accept my eccentricity, they are what make me interesting and who I am. It took me a long time to not hide behind pearls, a southern accent , and a smile. I am not ashamed of my fandoms, or all the cat pictures on my phone. Embrace the things that bring me joy, even if you don’t understand them. I will always embrace the things that make you you. Make an effort to get to know my friends; they are my chosen family and aren’t going anywhere.
It doesn’t all fall on you. I promise to tell you how I feel instead of internalizing things. I will listen and pay attention to you, because what you say matters to me. Laughter will be something I strive for with you every day because I want you to be my best friend. I know we have both been independent for a long time and will respect that we need our own space. I never want us to lose who we are as individuals just because we are together as a couple.
I am waiting for you because I know our love will be worth it. I won’t settle for someone else out of fear you might not come or impatience that you are taking too long. Actually, I will never let fear or insecurities drive our relationship. I have watched what fear of being alone can do to a marriage over 38 years. We will not be my parents. I will remember you are not my father.
While I wait, I will let life happen, but know I am ready when you are.
Until we find each other,
H
