I just saw Train Wreck, and of course Amy Schumer nailed it on the head. When you get past all the awkward, gut-wrenching humor, there was a layer to the story that was kind of a wakeup call for me. I might not be as extreme as Amy’s character is, but I have spent a lot of time hiding behind booze, sex, and self deprecating humor. Two years ago I was in a boozy, angry, sad downward spiral. I may have fought my way out of it with therapy and antidepressants, but that doesn’t mean that those tendencies aren’t there, lingering under the surface.
I turned 28 last week, and although I pretended to be happy about it, said things like “age is just a number” and all the other things you say when you are aging with grace, deep down it bothered me. Not because the number itself but the fact that I still don’t have anyone to go home with at the end of the night. I know, I’m still young, blah blah blah. It’s the fact that I am honestly starting to believe that there isn’t anyone out there for me. Not everybody gets a happy ending. I know, I eat lunch with 2 amazing women in their 60s who never got married. Just because we want something doesn’t mean we get it, or that we deserve it.
Maybe it’s the fact that I like inappropriate men. I like men who are a little too good looking, or a little bit of an asshole, or are in my friend circles. I find something wrong with every man who actually likes me or I self-destruct. I just hear the voices of every guy that has ever said anything negative about me playing over and over again in my head. If I was fat 20lbs ago, why would anyone want me now? I used to use sex to try to prove to myself that I was desirable, but now that I am not getting laid, I just feel worse. It’s kind of like another Amy Schumer skit “Last F***able Day”. Have I, at 28, seen my last Fuckable day? Am I no longer desirable to men? I remind myself that I want so much more than sex, I want someone who will actually love and respect me, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to be wanted.
The last guy I liked, and I did, I really liked him - I still like him - I walked away from because I knew it would never work. He doesn’t have his shit together; he may never have his shit together. He wanted a hookup buddy, and I want a boyfriend. He wore cargo shorts and is younger than me, things I could have overlooked if I thought there really was potential for us to be something. I know he isn’t what I ultimately want, and that is why I put a stop to it before I got in too deep. I have not relapsed with him; I have stayed strong. But there is that voice, the one that says well, at least he wanted you, that just comes up every time I am a little drunk and very very lonely.
I am lonely. I know I shouldn’t be, but I am. How do you stop being lonely? I have amazing friends who I talk to all the time and am content with my companionship, but there is a different type of lonely. I am not talking about being horny either. I am talking about when you just have a shit day, and all you really want is to curl up on the couch with someone while they stroke your hair and tell you everything is ok. I am talking about when you are nervous about walking in a crowded room so they place their hand on the small of your back. Or when they can tell something has upset you so they squeeze your hand to remind you that they are there. I also want the opportunity to be that person for someone, to support someone in the way that only a significant other really can.
I believe you should be a complete person all on your own, but there can be that person who complements you perfectly, who brings out the best in you. I sure know that I have found several people who have brought out the worst in me over the years, and I have seen some of my friends find that much desired balanced relationship. But there is a part of me that has hardened, that is beginning to believe that maybe, just maybe, I am the kind of person who ends up alone. In a dating world where it is so easy to just keep swiping instead of exploring the potential of someone, how do you really find love?
Is my lack of love because I spent too much time partying and hooking up, sometimes just to prove that I could. Did this high school prude become overly sexual to the point of forever loneliness? Although I feel like I have really gotten my life together, not settling for less than the relationship I really want, and not hooking up with some guy out of need for validation, am I still a train wreck? Deep down am I still one drunken hookup away from self-destructing? Can you be too damaged to find real love?
Amy Schumer’s character found someone she wanted to try with, like every rom-com, ending up with the guy. Can you be a recovered trainwreck and still end up alone?
