2017 ... Get Out of Here!!!!

2017 has been a hell of a year.  It has been full of big life-altering moments.  I started a new career path in finance, making the reason I moved to DC, politics, an interest instead a way of life.  I let friendships go, not because I wanted to, but because I deserved to be treated better.  I learned more about my parents, their marriage, and how devastating their actions can be more than any child should know.  I adopted a kitten who has filled my little home with so much love, toys, and cat hair.  I turned 30, closing tthe door on my 20s and finding something surprising on the other side.  Through these ups and downs I have learned so much about myself, even if I couldn’t see it in the moment.

If you had told me 7 years ago, when I packed my bags for DC, that I would be doing anything but working in politics I would not have believed you.  I was 14 years old when I fell in love with politics, government, and laws governing our country.  I used to believe that one of the best ways to make a difference in people's lives is to help changes the laws that govern them.  I still believe that is true, but now I also believe just because you love something doesn’t mean it is going to be the thing that makes you happy.  Making the decision to leave the life I always dreamed of living (but found myself miserable in) for a company that would make sure I grow and learn was one of the hardest I have ever had to make.  I came to terms with the fact that leaving politics did not make me a failure, and it did not mean I gave up on my dream.  Very few people know exactly what they want to do with their lives at 14 years old.  With that in mind, I realized that dreams could be used for other things, and I didn’t give up on my dream; I just lived it and found new ones.

Walking away from people you love, even if it is for the right reasons, is never easy.  I walked away from a person I loved very much, who had become one of my very best friends, my confidant, and my family.  When you let someone in like that, reveal your most vulnerable self, it is devastating when they deliberately hurt you.  They know what cuts the deepest and the fact that they would use that against you, take the cheap shots - it is beyond words.  I promised myself over the past 7 years that I would not let other people make me feel inferior, and I would not force myself where I am unwanted.  I also have learned when people show you who they really are, believe them.  When they berate you, rubbing salt on the wounds they inflicted - that is the real them.  Walking away from that friendship meant I lost several other people through association.  Even though that was February I still struggle with the loss of them all, but i have too much respect for myself, and have worked to hard to find that respect, to let anyone treat me the way I was treated.  People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime and the season turned on these particular friendships.

It’s hard for me to discuss my parents, especially since my mother took my dad back.  I have a hard time looking at him and not seeing the woman he had an affair with for 5 years.  Every time I see a picture of myself with my hair dyed red I am reminded that she was a redhead, and because of that, I don’t know if I can ever be a redhead again.  I will never understand why my mother stayed.  They haven’t been happy in a very long time, well before the affair.  My dad is a selfish person, and at 59 years old there is very little chance that will change.  Even as an adult, hearing the fights, seeing my mom in tears, watching her burn her wedding dress, it was like I was living a nightmare that I couldn’t stop.  Everything about my family was changing forever, and I couldn’t do anything to stop it.  Now that she has taken him back, they do things they have never done before, like hold hands the entire time they are in the car together.  I don’t trust it, because I don’t trust him.  I want more for my mom than this.  I want for her what she raised me to believe I deserve.  But it’s not my decision.  Now I go home for holidays to a new house that my mother bought when she was planning to divorce my dad.  I listen to my dad say how thankful we are to be together, but I remember that terrible things that were said just 7 short months ago.  Now my family feels like a big lie, even if we are all just lying to each other or ourselves.

The great light in this year has been Lucy.  That little fur ball has brought be joy and given me something to be excited to go home to.  With every meow and snuggle, I love her a little more.  I don’t care if I have eliminated 20% of my male dating population (direct quote from our company's president).  She greets me at the door every day, making my life feel a little more special.  I have leaned in to the crazy cat lady thing.  I even made Lucy her own Instagram (@lucykittenadventures).  I mean do you know how much some of those instagram pets make their owners a year?!?! Besides she is just too cute not to share with the world, but I am her mom soooo.  In all seriousness, the added responsibility of keeping another living thing alive has also been good for me.  I have to think about her before I can plan a trip or stay out all night.  She has helped me shed a few more of those young habits and adult a little bit more.  So what if everything I own in covered in cat hair now.

All of that before my 30th birthday?  Ok 2017, you couldn’t give me a break?  Leading up to my 30th birthday I was not taking the idea of my 30s very well.  I put so much pressure on a party and a big outing and trying to make this “milestone” special.  I know now I was just trying to control something since I couldn’t make time stand still.  I was so worried about all the things I had planned to do by 30 instead of thinking about all the amazing things I had done.  When the day came it was just another day, and I didn’t feel any different.  As I have settled into 30, I do find myself just a little more comfortable in my skin.  I have tried to shed the whole idea of “suppose to” and am looking at what I want to do.  I am determined to live my best life.  I am going to be a Harry Potter and Doctor Who fangirl, a crazy cat lady with more nail polish than some salons, and a tv addict who might require rehab.

With 2018 rolling in, I look forward to what it will hold.  I have so many adventures planned and celebrations to attend.  I am going to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter Celebration in Orlando, where I am going to dress up in costumes and nerd out for 3 days of Harry Potter excitement!  This year I will take the time to see friends, and build on the amazing relationships I already have in my life.  I am sure 2018 has some curves up its sleeve, but after 2017, I think I am ready for anything.

Lucy Kitten Adventures

So far 2017 has already held its fair share of life-changing moments, many of which I wish had never happened, but there is one that has changed my life for the better.  In March I adopted a kitten!  Her name is Lucy and she has become my everything.  

I have always loved animals.  Growing up we had dogs, cats, and a rabbit..  My mother even has a story about me trying to smuggle kittens from a family friend's house in the front pockets of my dress when I was about 3 years old.  Living in the city I always knew I would eventually want to get a cat.  As much as I love dogs, I am not going to wake up at 6am to walk it when it is snowing or raining or Saturday.  When I found my current apartment last February, being cat-friendly was a must.  

After waiting a year so that I was comfortable in my place, and finally at a job where I plan on staying for a while, it was time to bring a cute little furball into my life. I started to get lost on adoption sites like Petfinder.  I convinced Chloe to be my cat whisperer and to take me to pick a kitten out from Petsmart.  About a week before our scheduled trip, I was looking at an adoption site, and there she was.  The cutest kitten that I had ever seen.  I said out loud this is white and tabby-patched girl with big eyes is my cat!  I quickly emailed an application in to see if she was still available.  One week later Chloe and Betsy were driving me to pick up Gracie Lou up from her foster home.  I loved her immediately and renamed her Lucy.  

The day before I picked up Lucy was one of the hardest days of my life.  I found out about my father's affair.  It was the day that forever changed my family.  I couldn’t have gotten my furry source of unconditional love at a more opportune time.  From the first time she crawled in my lap the first night, she was my furbaby and I was her mom, and we were in this together from that moment forward.  This is when you can insert all your crazy cat lady joke if you must.  

I have embraced the cat lady lifestyle fully.  I show my coworkers cat pictures, make the cat sitter send me pictures when I am traveling, and have canceled plans because I would rather drink wine at home with my cat.  My boss likes to remind me that I have eliminated 20% of the male dating population by getting a cat.  I have even created her own Instagram page (@luckykittenadventures).  #fullcatladylife

Sidebar: Why with people who are obsessed with their dogs they aren’t a crazy dog lady, but the moment someone gets a cat people tell her she is a crazy cat lady and will probably die alone?!?  It is just rude!

Truly, Lucy has been one of the only lights in a very dark and emotional time in my life.  I have cried in her fur more than I will ever admit.  She knows when I am upset and tries to comfort me.  Choosing to adopt her at that exact moment in my life was serendipitous.  The universe knew she needed a home and that I was going to need her.  Thank you universe, for bringing me the most adorable, silly, loving furball I ever could have asked for.  

* To Learn More about adopting a cat or dog of your own in the DC/ Maryland/Virginia area visit Lucky Dog Animal Rescue.

Letter to My Future

As I have watched my parents relationship fracture and crumble, I have seen the man my father truly is.  As the lies are exposed and the rose colored glasses are removed, I wonder if I will ever be able to trust a man fully again.  How do I continue to believe in love when my example of love is broken?  Somehow I still have hope that someone is out there for me, and if they are, I have a few things to say to them.   

Hello,

I am not sure if you are out there looking for me, or if we have already met.  Maybe you are still sowing your wild oats, and that is ok.  When we make our way to each other I want you to be ready.  We won’t be young and stupid or trapping each other.  I want us to choose each other.  I want you to see my flaws with open eyes and love me because I am not perfect, not in spite of it.   

Be forewarned, I come with baggage.  I have spent my life being an afterthought for the men in my life, neglected and ignored.  Make me a priority, because you will always be my priority.  Hold my hand when we are walking through a crowd so that I never feel lost.  Never hush me or try to dampen my light because you never want me to feel small. Learn the small things about me, like how I take my coffee or what I want on my hamburger.  Those small everyday things are more important than the big romantic gestures to me.  I would rather you really know me than have the big social media worthy moments.

Accept my eccentricity, they are what make me interesting and who I am.  It took me a long time to not hide behind pearls, a southern accent , and a smile.  I am not ashamed of my fandoms, or all the cat pictures on my phone.  Embrace the things that bring me joy, even if you don’t understand them.  I will always embrace the things that make you you.  Make an effort to get to know my friends; they are my chosen family and aren’t going anywhere.     

It doesn’t all fall on you.  I promise to tell you how I feel instead of internalizing things.  I will listen and pay attention to you, because what you say matters to me.  Laughter will be something I strive for with you every day because I want you to be my best friend. I know we have both been independent for a long time and will respect that we need our own space.  I never want us to lose who we are as individuals just because we are together as a couple.     

I am waiting for you because I know our love will be worth it.  I won’t settle for someone else out of fear you might not come or impatience that you are taking too long.  Actually, I will never let fear or insecurities drive our relationship.  I have watched what fear of being alone can do to a marriage over 38 years.  We will not be my parents. I will remember you are not my father.  

While I wait, I will let life happen, but know I am ready when you are.  

Until we find each other,

H   

30

This week I turn 30!  Yikes, that seems so old, something that used to feel so far away.  Much like my Quarter Life Crisis at 25, I have not been handling the fast approaching golden birthday very well.  People who knew me in college might be surprised by that because I used to think 30 was the perfect age.  I used to think 30 would be when I would have life all figured out, I would be settled down. I didn’t expect 30 to be sharing my over priced apartment with no closet space with my newly adopted cat.  

I have been looking back on my 20s and have regretted some of the boys and the wild nights. Feeling like I have lost time on all the wrong people. Maybe I should be realizing that they were the right people to get me to where I am. That is what your 20s are for. Making mistakes, falling for the wrong people, realizing what you really want in the right one. Your 20s are for making unbreakable friendships, the friends who become family, the friends who know everything about you. Your 20s are for chasing your dreams and finding the career path that not just pays the bills but makes you happy.

But what are your 30s supposed to be for? What will this next decade (don’t like it) hold? Unlike the disappointing self inflicted expectations of my 20s I am not setting timelines for my life anymore.  I just want to live life as best I can. Travel and see as much as I can. Love the people in my life. Stop worrying about what is missing and focus on what I have.  

Even though 30 does not thrill me I am doing what I do best, and throwing a big party.  Well a two part extravaganza really.  It all kicks off Friday night with a rooftop party overlooking the White House.  There will be champagne and rose, flowers, friends, and Chick-fil-a chicken nuggets!  What more could a girl ask for?  Maybe a fun theme?  Well, I have that covered too!  Party Like a Pineapple!  Pineapples are sweet on the inside, stand tall, and wear a crown, just like me!  Pineapples represent hospitality, are something every home should have, and just happen to be something I collect.  The celebration will roll right into Saturday with a party bus to Virginia wine country with my nearest and dearest.  I will wrap up the weekend with a killer hangover that I will get over just in time to drink more wine while eating pizza and watching Game of Thrones!  It will be a weekend full of all my favorite people and all of my favorite things.  

Although I made some mistakes in my 20s, I can’t imagine my life being any different than it is right now.  I hope the next decade (nope still don’t like it) is full of more adventures with my friends and a time for me to continue to grow.  Also, full of wine … always more wine!