Quarter Life Crisis

I have quarter-of-a-century confusion.  The dreaded day when I truly become in my mid-twenties is just a week away.  My sense of life failure is starting to settle in.  Where I thought I would be at 25, and where I am are worlds apart.  I was supposed to be getting married to an incredible Southern gentleman, have an incredible job, and live in an incredible house.  Sadly, there are times when I feel that there is nothing incredible about my life, besides my incredible friends.

To be a single 25 year-old Southern woman is like being 40 living with 10 cats elsewhere in the country.  People start to wonder why no one seems to wants you.  You start to wonder yourself. I am a little lonely.  At 25 I was supposed to be waking up next to the person I love everyday, not my teddy bear.  (I have no shame in the fact that I still sleep with a Teddy bear.)

Sure, I am not married, or dating anyone.  Sure, my job is not what I thought it would be, and I am looking for a new one.  Sure, my rent is too high, but my apartment is pretty nice.  How could I know at 18 what I would want now?  It’s not that I don’t want all of the things I thought I would have, and just because I don’t have them at 25 doesn’t mean that I won’t find them eventually.  I know that.

There is one aspect that I wish I could change, one of which I am truly ashamed.  I am hung up on someone else's boyfriend.  When it comes to D, I hate that I cannot walk away.  The fact that seeing him makes my heart pound disgusts me.  Knowing that everyday I wish for his relationship to end pains me.  I am 25, and I still want this toy I can’t have.  Even though I know it’s not that black and white, I can’t help but fear that this is why I am alone.  This is why I am lonely.  I am not saying that I think he is the end-all-be-all, but I don’t know if I could ever find that person, if I still have the feelings for D that I have right now.

At 25, my heart was not supposed to break everyday.  

I know turning 25 is not the end of the world, and I should welcome my mid-twenties with grace.  I am sure my party is going to be a blast.  I love my birthday dress.  I have so many things to look forward to.  This year will be different for me, it has to be.