2017 has been a hell of a year. It has been full of big life-altering moments. I started a new career path in finance, making the reason I moved to DC, politics, an interest instead a way of life. I let friendships go, not because I wanted to, but because I deserved to be treated better. I learned more about my parents, their marriage, and how devastating their actions can be more than any child should know. I adopted a kitten who has filled my little home with so much love, toys, and cat hair. I turned 30, closing tthe door on my 20s and finding something surprising on the other side. Through these ups and downs I have learned so much about myself, even if I couldn’t see it in the moment.
If you had told me 7 years ago, when I packed my bags for DC, that I would be doing anything but working in politics I would not have believed you. I was 14 years old when I fell in love with politics, government, and laws governing our country. I used to believe that one of the best ways to make a difference in people's lives is to help changes the laws that govern them. I still believe that is true, but now I also believe just because you love something doesn’t mean it is going to be the thing that makes you happy. Making the decision to leave the life I always dreamed of living (but found myself miserable in) for a company that would make sure I grow and learn was one of the hardest I have ever had to make. I came to terms with the fact that leaving politics did not make me a failure, and it did not mean I gave up on my dream. Very few people know exactly what they want to do with their lives at 14 years old. With that in mind, I realized that dreams could be used for other things, and I didn’t give up on my dream; I just lived it and found new ones.
Walking away from people you love, even if it is for the right reasons, is never easy. I walked away from a person I loved very much, who had become one of my very best friends, my confidant, and my family. When you let someone in like that, reveal your most vulnerable self, it is devastating when they deliberately hurt you. They know what cuts the deepest and the fact that they would use that against you, take the cheap shots - it is beyond words. I promised myself over the past 7 years that I would not let other people make me feel inferior, and I would not force myself where I am unwanted. I also have learned when people show you who they really are, believe them. When they berate you, rubbing salt on the wounds they inflicted - that is the real them. Walking away from that friendship meant I lost several other people through association. Even though that was February I still struggle with the loss of them all, but i have too much respect for myself, and have worked to hard to find that respect, to let anyone treat me the way I was treated. People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime and the season turned on these particular friendships.
It’s hard for me to discuss my parents, especially since my mother took my dad back. I have a hard time looking at him and not seeing the woman he had an affair with for 5 years. Every time I see a picture of myself with my hair dyed red I am reminded that she was a redhead, and because of that, I don’t know if I can ever be a redhead again. I will never understand why my mother stayed. They haven’t been happy in a very long time, well before the affair. My dad is a selfish person, and at 59 years old there is very little chance that will change. Even as an adult, hearing the fights, seeing my mom in tears, watching her burn her wedding dress, it was like I was living a nightmare that I couldn’t stop. Everything about my family was changing forever, and I couldn’t do anything to stop it. Now that she has taken him back, they do things they have never done before, like hold hands the entire time they are in the car together. I don’t trust it, because I don’t trust him. I want more for my mom than this. I want for her what she raised me to believe I deserve. But it’s not my decision. Now I go home for holidays to a new house that my mother bought when she was planning to divorce my dad. I listen to my dad say how thankful we are to be together, but I remember that terrible things that were said just 7 short months ago. Now my family feels like a big lie, even if we are all just lying to each other or ourselves.
The great light in this year has been Lucy. That little fur ball has brought be joy and given me something to be excited to go home to. With every meow and snuggle, I love her a little more. I don’t care if I have eliminated 20% of my male dating population (direct quote from our company's president). She greets me at the door every day, making my life feel a little more special. I have leaned in to the crazy cat lady thing. I even made Lucy her own Instagram (@lucykittenadventures). I mean do you know how much some of those instagram pets make their owners a year?!?! Besides she is just too cute not to share with the world, but I am her mom soooo. In all seriousness, the added responsibility of keeping another living thing alive has also been good for me. I have to think about her before I can plan a trip or stay out all night. She has helped me shed a few more of those young habits and adult a little bit more. So what if everything I own in covered in cat hair now.
All of that before my 30th birthday? Ok 2017, you couldn’t give me a break? Leading up to my 30th birthday I was not taking the idea of my 30s very well. I put so much pressure on a party and a big outing and trying to make this “milestone” special. I know now I was just trying to control something since I couldn’t make time stand still. I was so worried about all the things I had planned to do by 30 instead of thinking about all the amazing things I had done. When the day came it was just another day, and I didn’t feel any different. As I have settled into 30, I do find myself just a little more comfortable in my skin. I have tried to shed the whole idea of “suppose to” and am looking at what I want to do. I am determined to live my best life. I am going to be a Harry Potter and Doctor Who fangirl, a crazy cat lady with more nail polish than some salons, and a tv addict who might require rehab.
With 2018 rolling in, I look forward to what it will hold. I have so many adventures planned and celebrations to attend. I am going to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter Celebration in Orlando, where I am going to dress up in costumes and nerd out for 3 days of Harry Potter excitement! This year I will take the time to see friends, and build on the amazing relationships I already have in my life. I am sure 2018 has some curves up its sleeve, but after 2017, I think I am ready for anything.
