As time passes and I end up having to be in a room with M, more and more I wonder why it hasn’t gotten any easier. I don’t still want to be with him; I am not even that attracted to him anymore, but for some reason, it still makes me anxious. I don’t talk to him at all these happy hours, bridal showers, and birthday parties. I am not rude, and I don’t avoid him per se. I just don’t have direct conversation with him. I am beginning to wonder if it is ever possible to be friends with someone who rejects you so directly.
The thing about M is that I never thought about him romantically until he kissed me. After he kissed me, I began to think, “oh ok, I could see this working”. He wasn’t the kind of guy I typically would have pursued. He wears cargo shorts, and prefers basketball over football, and if I am really honest, he isn’t pretty enough. I didn’t love the way he kissed me, but I didn’t hate it either. All in all, M was someone who didn’t immediately make my heart flutter and the sun shine. But I thought maybe that was a good thing. Maybe that is how it should really be, instead of the manic intense disasters that all my other past relationships have been. So I gave him a shot; I started envisioning a very comfortable life with him, and then I really began to care about him. In all reality, I think I convinced myself to fall for him. I convinced myself he was what I wanted.
Do you know what happens when your backup plan chooses not to be with you? The person you convinced yourself to fall for just can’t be with you. A part of you breaks. Not because they broke you, but because you broke yourself. You convinced yourself this person would never hurt you, that they were safe, they were worth it. Then you realize you can’t even keep the kind of safe guy who should worship the ground you walk on, the kind of guy who you would never love with unabashed passion but love enough to have a comfortable happy life.
It might not hurt so much if you didn’t have to see him. Being in a room with someone who blatantly said you are not enough for them is like a continuous panic attack. You look at them, and you hear the words all over again. It is like someone constantly screaming in your head, “YOU ARE NOT ENOUGH!” No matter how much you really don’t want him anymore, it is a constant reminder of your failure, your inadequacy.
Although deep down I know that it was him. M is a child, and our friends let him get away with too much. He doesn’t grow up because no one makes him. I am adult and he is a child. I wanted something real, and he wanted a fuck buddy. I should have moved on on my own accord. I liked having someone though, I wasn’t ready to have no one again. I didn’t want to start over for the thousandth time.
Maybe that voice will fade with time, when I meet someone new. When I have found someone who actually wants me, all of me, not just when they are bored or drunk. Maybe it will fade when I don’t feel like everyone is watching to see how we are going to act together. Sometimes it feels like all our friends are waiting for me to have a meltdown or get mad at M or drunk cry. I mean sometimes I do drunk cry about the situation, but in the privacy of my own home or to Layson.
I don’t know that I will ever be able to be friends with M. I know everyone expects me to, and I will always be civil, but I can not see the day that I will be M’s friend. Maybe as I get older I am too jaded to pretend. Maybe I am hard like my mother says. But really it boils down to this, if I offer you all of me and you reject it. you don’t get to have any of me.
