I am sad. I am sad for a whole host of reasons. I am sad because I am sleeping with someone I could actually really see myself with, but I am too scared to ask for anything more than occasional sex. I am sad because M sent me a booty call text that made me so angry I could scream, and the fact that it made me feel something so extreme makes me sad. I am sad because I finally told Bee how she makes me feel inadequate and she didn’t at all comprehend it, and now I feel like I am losing one of my oldest friends. I am sad because maybe no matter how much self discovery I go through, I will still just be a girl seeking the approval of other people: of men, of friends, of anyone and everyone who might just for a second solidify that I am real and solid and worth something. Maybe no matter how strong of a woman I have become there are moments when I am just a sad broken girl.
Sad and broken are the perfect words to describe how I feel in this moment. All of this comes on the heels of things that should make me feel empowered. I have a man who I enjoy having sex with and he enjoys having sex with me, and that should be empowering, to enjoy my body. Instead I find myself just wishing Evan would want more from me than just my body. I told him that the intimacy of staying the night with someone is just as important to me as sex, so he gave me that. He stayed, he engulfed me in his arms, gently pressing his lips to my forehead. He talked to me about real parts of his life. I mistook him giving me what I told him I needed for him actually caring. He cares about fulfilling my needs, not because he is falling In love with me, but it is what lovers do, they scratch an itch. The problem with receiving intimacy from someone who doesn’t want to be with you is intimacy fosters feelings.
So, here I am sad that I have contracted feelings for my fuck buddy and M has to go and text me. We had been at a going away party for one of our friends, and I will admit I looked great, but losing 26lbs will do that for you! M leaves early and while I am still sitting at the bar with our friends drinking cheap beer and debating the merits of everyone taking a fireball shot, my phone buzzes. There it was, “Hey.” It sat right below the message from January where he said “You are a pretty girl, I just can’t do this.” That “Hey” was a punch in the gut. What the actual fuck? He has no right to text me. He couldn’t even try to have a conversation with me for the 4 hours we were in the same room, but he thinks a drunk “Hey” is appropriate? I have been such an adult about our whole situation, and he goes and does something as childish as testing the waters with a booty text. I wanted so badly to text and ask if he was serious, but our friends talked me off the ledge. I didn’t respond, and that should make me feel empowered.
The worst part is since that text I have been so angry! I have wanted to yell at him, tell him that he was the one that chose not to be with me, so he will never have the right to text me. To scream that he needs to grow up, if not for himself than for his friends that have to constantly apologize for his shitty behavior. More than anything I want to yell at myself for wanting to yell at all. I have spent the last 6 months figuring out how not to care about M. I tried to give him my heart and he didn’t want it. He doesn’t get to want or have any other part of me, not even my anger.
As I try to decipher my feelings for two guys that don’t want my heart just my body, I am also trying to decide what to do about my friendship with one of my oldest friends. Bee and I have been friends for almost a decade. There are very few memories about college that don’t have her in them. I love her truly, but loving her and being her friend has not always been easy. When we are one on one, Bee is the best friend that she knows how to be. When we are in public, around other people, I have often felt like Bee’s sidekick. Over the years, I have often felt like she acted like she didn’t know why I was hanging around when we were around people who didn’t know us that well. Or that she wouldn’t stand up for me if it would affect the time she was having. Maybe it has always been in my head, but I have, especially since we graduated college, felt uncomfortable and like I had to prove my worthiness. I don’t believe Bee has any idea that she does this, but that still doesn’t make it right. Just because she is the best friend that she knows how to be does not mean she is a good friend.
After a recent wedding of one of our college friends, I actually stood up for myself and told Bee how I felt. After sending that message, instead of feeling empowered, I felt like I was going to throw up. It took her a week to respond, and when she did, it was just hours before I left the country for 4 days I didn’t know how to process the novel she sent. For the past month I have been putting it off. Starting message after message, but never truly knowing what to say. Am I ok with losing her? Losing the one person who knows all my college secrets, heartbreaks, and triumphs? Am I willing to settle for less than the kind of friendship I know I deserve? How do you say I love you but you are a shitty friend without having to rehash every moment that they made you feel less important than they are? I don’t know what to say, and it makes me sad.
Sadness scares me. Sadness is the slippery slope to that dark and twist place that I fight so hard to avoid. But sadness is a part of life, and I know that. I just wish I wasn’t smack in the middle of the perfect storm of sadness.
