The Break Down

Sometimes no matter how strong we are, no matter how well we are taking something, we just need to break down.  My moment came in the guest bathroom of a large house in Georgetown.  Katie was house sitting and I didn’t want to be alone, so I found myself as a visitor in spectacular house.  I was just about to put on my mascara, listening to Lady Antebellum Radio on Pandora, and it just hit me.  The tears rushed down like a waterfall, crippling me.  I crumbled to the ground from the weight of my heavy heart.  I am not sure why exactly.  I know that everything that happened is for the best, that I get the chance to move on, but that doesn’t mean I don’t hurt.  When someone that you care about so much doesn’t choose to be with you, it’s like you have no air.  

I knew he wouldn’t choose me, that he would have a long time ago if he wanted to.  I guess part of me always held out hope that my life was going to ended up like a movie, where no matter how impossible it is you actually get what you want.  

More than anything I wonder if there is ever going to be anything left of me for someone to love.  When the tears were streaking my makeup I was wondering why men seem to find me so unlovable.  What is it that I am missing?  As I pull myself up with help from the cool marble counter top I realize I have to figure out how to make myself whole again.  

I know that this isn’t something that I can turn to the girls about.  I chose my own path to closure, one I do not regret.  As much as I love and need my friends, I am the only one that can bring me back to life again.  I hate that.  I hate that I do not get to cry into my glass of wine on Chloe’s couch while playing with the cats.  Unfortunately, there are just something you have to do on your own.