Sad Panda

Why do I only like men that hurt me?  I seem to only fall for men that friend-zone me, or cheat on their girlfriends with me (without my knowledge), or some other disastrously unhealthy situation.  

Maybe it is because I want to see the best in people.  That, of course, is a good character trait most of the time, but in relationships it only leads to me getting hurt.  Sometimes I think I can fix them, that they will be different with me.  This is just an illusion in my head.  I still find myself crying in bed, never wanting to leave my house again after they break my heart.  

Sometimes I wonder if I will even have much of a heart left for the right guy someday.  Is this why people settle?  They get so tired of the hurt that they just find someone that will never put them through that again.  I can see the appeal in that sometimes.  To have someone to patch the gaping hole in my heart.  

Sometimes I think the loneliness is going to swallow me.  I panic from the crushing pain in my chest.  Behind the smile, I am crying on the inside.  No one is ever going to love me.  I know this is an irrational thought, but I can’t help but think it.  It has been so long since someone loved me back that I don’t even remember what it feels like anymore.  I don’t want lust; I want love.  Lust isn’t real, and it isn’t fulfilling

Is it so bad that I want someone to share my life with?  I want a companion and a confidant.  I want romance.  It’s the simple things that I long for.  Holding hands, dancing for no reason, a gentle brush of my cheek, and waking up next to someone that you cannot wait to talk to.  Maybe that will never exist for me.  Some people are just meant to be alone, and maybe I am one of them.  Maybe that is why every man that comes into my life leaves or lies.  Somewhere along the way, I have decided that I am not worth it.  Isn’t that what every single one of them has been telling me?  I am not worth sticking around for.  

I know deep down that this isn’t true.  One day I will find someone that loves me, body and soul.  He will challenge me to be better and love me even when I do not.  It's easy to look around at my friends that are getting married and feel like I am behind in life or that it will never happen for me.  The truth is I am still young, and I have a lot of life to live.  It is not always easy to see that all the heartbreak is making me stronger and shaping me into a better woman, but when I take the time to think about it, I know it is.  Besides, being bitter is a cop-out.