Epiphany

It is funny when epiphanies happen.  It is always at the oddest times and in the most inopportune places.  Yesterday I had an epiphany in the middle of Zumba class.  I have been trying to date the same guy my whole life.  D is a Liam, who was an Adam, who was also a Bryan, who was ultimately a Caleb (See the Many Loves of My Life … for reference).  The reason why I feel so comfortable with each of these guys is that I have been trying to date a version of them since I was 13 years old.  

I try to act like I am so evolved and my life is so different now than it was in college, but it really isn’t.  I have one bar that I go to more than any other, and I am friends with the people that work there.  I am continuing to chase an unattainable boy that, no matter how much I think we click, will never end up dating me.  I fake confidence, because deep down I am one big insecure mess.  I have been since the day I got glasses in the 2nd grade, or had to shoot free throws granny style in the 3rd, and got called fat for the first time in the 4th. I heard the boys in college refer to me as Bee’s fat friend.  It is very hard to feel good about yourself when people have been telling you your whole life that you have no reason to.  I am still the scared girl that went home in tears everyday in the 3rd grade.  The girl that’s mother held her back so she wouldn’t be picked on anymore.  

No matter how much I try to pretend that none of that matters anymore, I still find myself searching for other people’s approval, and especially approval from the men in my life.  I make out with a boy just to prove that I can.  I sleep with practical strangers, but I barely kiss the people that I love.  I play the part

of the bombshell, because it is easier than being the vulnerable self-imploding mess that is me.  

I really want to change.  I don’t want to hide under layers of spanxs and red lipstick.  I don’t want to continue my vicious cycle of unhealthy, one sided relationships.  I want to stop being selfish and making my grand dramatic speeches, because they are selfish.  I say them so that I feel better, and I don’t think about how much harder they probably make things for the people I give them too.  

I live in this big, wonderful city filled with so many people I have never met.  I am going to go out and meet more of them.  I am going to try new bars, and make new friends.  I am going to stop complaining about how much I hate my body, and I am going to actually work to change it.  Holding back on here is not an option anymore, because when I do I lose my outlet for my crazy.  I am going to actually give myself a chance to heal my heart too.  I am never going to be able to find someone that makes me happy, that can give me all of them if I am not whole myself.  It is time for me to take back my heart from D, Liam, Adam, Bryan, Caleb and any other guy that has undeservingly held a piece of it.    

I am always saying that  I am going to change parts of my life and never do.  This time I mean it.  This time I see that I am the only person keeping myself from being happy.  It is not some cosmic plot to make me miserable.  I was watching “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” and there was a part that really resonated with me.  Sam is crying and she asks Charlie why we let the people in our lives treat us like shit.  He answers, “We accept the love that we think we deserve.”

I am not going to sit in my studio and let myself get lonely or feel sorry for myself any longer.  I am stronger than I realize.  My imperfections are what make me beautiful.  The following two quotes are my inspiration for self confidence, my crutch to lean on, and the motos I should live life by.