Changes

Putting yourself back together again requires so much work, so many changes.  First you have to break the habit.  Replacing social obligations with something different and self focused.  I replaced my habit, my weakness, with a gym membership.  Hopefully this will make me stronger in every way.  I still don’t know how I feel about being the kind of person that goes to the gym.  I feel overwhelmed, out of place, and invisible.   Except the hurt the next day is the good kind, the kind that remind you that you did something good for yourself.  That is definitely a change.  I will just have to get used to the way these random women strip down in the locker room, how unattractive and sweaty I look when I work out, and the fact that I will not get hot over night.  

I miss my old routine, the people I use to see, my friends and our time together.  I wish I could fast forward to when I am over things and everything can go back to normal.  The thing about making changes though is it is hard to go back to the way things were before.  I am scared that nothing will ever be the same.  

Change means trying new things.  I thought that meant I needed to kiss someone new.  Clear my mind, my boy palate if you will.  I wanted someone to help me remember what it is like to be kissed and to forget everything else.   Last week I had been talking to this sweet guy all night but was taken by surprise that he leaned over and kissed me.  When he kissed me there was that initial excitement, the excitement of having someone else’s lips press against yours.  The rush of someone wanting to be that close to you is overwhelming at first.  

He was an excellent kisser so I hoped that my numbness was just the alcohol. It didn’t matter.  I just wanted someone to push me up against a wall and let me lose myself in them.  I was relieved that I didn’t feel anything and that he didn’t ask for my number.  I don’t want to feel anything for any guy right now.  I don’t want to hurt or crush, just to feel absolutely nothing.  That would be a change for me, to not feel.  

At the end of the day I don’t want to fundamentally change who I am.  I want to make myself better.  I want to wake up everyday and feel confident in my own skin again.  Change is hard, but change is a good thing.  

The Break Down

Sometimes no matter how strong we are, no matter how well we are taking something, we just need to break down.  My moment came in the guest bathroom of a large house in Georgetown.  Katie was house sitting and I didn’t want to be alone, so I found myself as a visitor in spectacular house.  I was just about to put on my mascara, listening to Lady Antebellum Radio on Pandora, and it just hit me.  The tears rushed down like a waterfall, crippling me.  I crumbled to the ground from the weight of my heavy heart.  I am not sure why exactly.  I know that everything that happened is for the best, that I get the chance to move on, but that doesn’t mean I don’t hurt.  When someone that you care about so much doesn’t choose to be with you, it’s like you have no air.  

I knew he wouldn’t choose me, that he would have a long time ago if he wanted to.  I guess part of me always held out hope that my life was going to ended up like a movie, where no matter how impossible it is you actually get what you want.  

More than anything I wonder if there is ever going to be anything left of me for someone to love.  When the tears were streaking my makeup I was wondering why men seem to find me so unlovable.  What is it that I am missing?  As I pull myself up with help from the cool marble counter top I realize I have to figure out how to make myself whole again.  

I know that this isn’t something that I can turn to the girls about.  I chose my own path to closure, one I do not regret.  As much as I love and need my friends, I am the only one that can bring me back to life again.  I hate that.  I hate that I do not get to cry into my glass of wine on Chloe’s couch while playing with the cats.  Unfortunately, there are just something you have to do on your own.  

Goodbye for Now ...

Sometimes goodbyes are forever, sometimes they are see you soon, and sometimes they are something a little more gray than that.  Last night D and I sat down sober for a frank conversation.  I went in planning to say goodbye forever but walked away with a goodbye until I am better.  

My friends made me feel like I had no choice but to shut D out completely.  Their intervention email felt more like an ultimatum.  It felt like I would loose them if I didn’t do what they thought was best.  Their method felt cold and like an attack, but I know it came from a good place, a place of love and concern.  At the end of the day I had to do what I felt comfortable with.  I know they didn’t think I should talk to D, but I couldn’t walk away without some answers.  If I did I would have always had what ifs and I would never have been able to get over my feelings for him.  I did what I had to do for me.  I hope one day they will understand that.  If not understand than at least respect my decision.

As we sat at the little table at Starbucks I didn’t know where to begin.  “Tell me about her” was the only place I could think to start.  As he described her his eyes lit up, the way I use to think they did when he saw me, but this was the real deal.  He really loves her.  It was in that moment that I knew I didn’t have to say goodbye forever.  I am not sure why that is the conclusion I came to, but it is one that I still feel good about.  The goodbye letter I had in my purse didn’t apply any more.

He answered every question, even the hard ones like had he ever cheated before.  The answer to that is no.  I was not some girl in a slew of other drunken mistakes.  I never thought he was that kind of guy, but I have been wrong before.  I know that this doesn’t make the fact that he cheated at all any better, but for me I just felt less cheap.

He took responsibility for his part in all of this, and so did I.  I was not an innocent party and I know that.  I understand his personality better, that he never meant to lead me on and by no means had malicious intentions.  He let me talk, let me bare my soul.  I think we both have a better understanding of each other and had our first real conversation as friends.  Our topics were varied and I let myself be open.  I saw why I have liked him so much, but I also saw why I think he might be right about being friends.

I had to make a decision.  I told him I would be staying away from our weekly social engagement that put us in the same place.  He said he knew that that time with my friends is so important to me and he hates for me to give that up.  Per his suggestion he is going to let me know the weeks that he won’t be there for as long as I need.  

D was very adamant the whole time that he really thought we could be friends.  I told him I just needed time to get my shit together.  I know in time my feelings will fade and what will be left is possibly a wonderful friendship.  Who knows, one day he could be that friend that I call for a guys opinion on a situation.  

My feelings for him, my attraction to him, is not going to fade overnight.  It may be a month or 6 months before I am really ok.  Though, I know I am in a much better place than I was in before we sat down and talked.  That was the hardest conversation I have ever had with someone, but I also feel like I just grew a lot because I was adult enough to have it.  

So, this is goodbye to D as all of you know him.  For me it is goodbye to D for now.  When I am ready, if I am ever ready, his friendship will be waiting for me. 

Quarter Life Crisis

I have quarter-of-a-century confusion.  The dreaded day when I truly become in my mid-twenties is just a week away.  My sense of life failure is starting to settle in.  Where I thought I would be at 25, and where I am are worlds apart.  I was supposed to be getting married to an incredible Southern gentleman, have an incredible job, and live in an incredible house.  Sadly, there are times when I feel that there is nothing incredible about my life, besides my incredible friends.

To be a single 25 year-old Southern woman is like being 40 living with 10 cats elsewhere in the country.  People start to wonder why no one seems to wants you.  You start to wonder yourself. I am a little lonely.  At 25 I was supposed to be waking up next to the person I love everyday, not my teddy bear.  (I have no shame in the fact that I still sleep with a Teddy bear.)

Sure, I am not married, or dating anyone.  Sure, my job is not what I thought it would be, and I am looking for a new one.  Sure, my rent is too high, but my apartment is pretty nice.  How could I know at 18 what I would want now?  It’s not that I don’t want all of the things I thought I would have, and just because I don’t have them at 25 doesn’t mean that I won’t find them eventually.  I know that.

There is one aspect that I wish I could change, one of which I am truly ashamed.  I am hung up on someone else's boyfriend.  When it comes to D, I hate that I cannot walk away.  The fact that seeing him makes my heart pound disgusts me.  Knowing that everyday I wish for his relationship to end pains me.  I am 25, and I still want this toy I can’t have.  Even though I know it’s not that black and white, I can’t help but fear that this is why I am alone.  This is why I am lonely.  I am not saying that I think he is the end-all-be-all, but I don’t know if I could ever find that person, if I still have the feelings for D that I have right now.

At 25, my heart was not supposed to break everyday.  

I know turning 25 is not the end of the world, and I should welcome my mid-twenties with grace.  I am sure my party is going to be a blast.  I love my birthday dress.  I have so many things to look forward to.  This year will be different for me, it has to be. 

The Season of the DC Skin-tern

We are smack-dab in the middle of the worst time for dating in DC: Summer (or let me be more clear, Summer Intern season).  The Summer Intern (I should be more specific, the skin-tern) in DC is the young career man’s weakness. Every young single career woman in this city is well aware for the trouble that the dreaded skin-tern will bring to their love life.  You see them walking down the halls and see how the men (if you can call them that) look at these scantily clad co-eds bounce around.  If life is truly awful for you, you may even have one in your office.  If you are their supervisor, then you have the task of telling them that they need to dress more appropriately or that flirting with male staffers is unacceptable.  

I guess I see why the men of DC fall for the elusive skin-tern.  I do not agree with it, but I can see the appeal.  In a conservatively dressed city, these girls bring some sex into the office.  It doesn’t matter if the sex shouldn’t be there, or if these girls are barely old enough to have a cocktail (and some are not).  Skin-terns play dumb, even if they aren’t.  There are no intellectual conversations or philosophical debates going on.  Conversations are filled with talks of parties, the craziest things they have ever done, and anything else that make horny guys foam at the mouth.  Then there is the real kicker: they are only here for two months.  It's not enough time to get serious and you have a guaranteed out at the end of the summer.  They will return to school and the rest of DC will return to our regular dating patterns.  

Skin-terns just get on my last nerve.  I want a light-hearted summer romance too.  I want to have faith that the men I surround myself with aren’t fooled by a short skirt, low neckline, and fake giggle.  Unfortunately, every summer without fail, one of the good ones falls prey to the skin-tern.  It’s either one of my guy friends or my current crush, which stings worse than a jellyfish at the beach on the 4th of July.  They are Lindsay Lohans  and I am Marylin meets Jackie.  I am put together, poised, and sexy in a subtle “why wouldn’t you want me” kind of way.  These girls think you have to show it all to get attention, and yes it works, but then they are just a story without a name.  

These so called gentleman tell their friends they are calling their skin-tern, not whatever that girl’s name might be.  It’s then, when I overhear such stories and comments, that I feel a tiny bit of pity for the skin-tern.  No one falls in love with a skin-tern.  It’s not like anyone is falling in love with me either, but I, unlike the skin-tern, do not mistake lust for love.  I do not mistake a summer fling for the perfect romance with a staffer.  The pity fades quickly when I realize that it is the way these Jersey Shore want-to-bes carry themselves that puts them in that position in the first place.    

I do want to be clear about one thing.  Not every female intern is a skin-tern.  There are plenty of well dressed, ambitious, well-behaved interns that come to DC every summer as well. But every time I see some seemingly great guy flirt with a skin-tern over a classy, intelligent, age-appropriate staffer, I pray for summer to be over.   I pray for the day that I and all single career women of DC raise our cocktails and cheers to the the end of the summer skin-tern, at least until next year. 

Maybe ...

How do I find myself confused and caught up with Him, that boy I can’t shake.  Let’s call him D.  

He hugged me last night.  He initiated it.  I can’t remember the last time he touched me.  I think it was the night we danced, the night I pushed him away, the night I sent him home to call his girlfriend.  I didn’t lean into the hug.  I didn’t press my body against his the way I would with a boy I am flirting with.  It wasn’t tender.  It was if we were both scared to touch one another, like the world would end if we got too close.  

He really does care about me.  That was obvious last night, and it was as though he wanted me to know that.  I had already noticed that he always wants to make sure I get home safe.  One time he even gave money to a friend to put me in a cab.  I didn’t know it was him behind it, and his friend took the credit.  I’m unsure why, but it seems to change things.  I no longer second guess that he cares; I just am baffled by what it means.  

When he offered to drive me home this time, I didn’t see the harm.  Conversation was flowing and I didn’t want it to end.  I never know how long we will be on good terms, and am always frightened that he will shut me out.  He remembered where I lived even though he had only been there twice, and hadn’t since before Christmas.  Maybe I am seeing something where there is nothing.  Maybe none of it means a thing.  He let me know he made it home safe like I asked, but now I have his number again.  I don’t know if I am ready for that responsibility, that temptation. Too late.  If I delete it again, I know he will be hurt.  He was hurt the first time.  Here's hoping that the “Do Not Drunk Text” before his name in my phone will help this time.  

I wish I could say our conversation ended with him letting me know he was home, but it didn’t.  We were very sarcastic and it made me laugh.  I accidentally sent him a message meant for Skylar, a pep talk about not settling and holding out for the spark.  I was telling her she is an amazing woman.  I immediately realized my mistake and apologized, but that started the convo back up again.  He said that pep talks are always welcome.  I told him that I would have given him a different one.  He said a different quote might be better, but he isn’t picky.  So I gave it a shot: You are a kind person, you are smart, you are hard working, and you deserve all the good life will bring you.  

This is where it gets interesting …

D: That is better for you than me!
Me: I don’t know.  I think it fits you pretty well. You don’t have to be as kind as you are to me.  I don’t always make it easy on you and I know that.  I am sorry for that.
D: Yes I do … I was an ass a while back … You don’t need to apologize.
Me: People make mistakes.  It is what it is.
D: You are kind to say that.
Me: You aren’t a jerk, you are a good guy.  She is a very lucky girl to have someone like you.  I really mean that.  

That was it.  

Maybe I was his mistake, but I don’t think that the mistake was getting to know me, it was kissing me.  Maybe he is just trying to make up for his indiscretions. Maybe the way he cares about me is wrong.  But is it?  Can’t you care about the well being of someone of the opposite sex without wanted to get in their pants? Maybe it is different because we have been physical before.  Maybe it is different because I still look at him and long for his touch.  Maybe you can never recover from circumstances like the ones that we got to know each other under.  Maybe, just maybe, we are not supposed to be a part of each others lives.  

Nashville Love

This week, I find myself listening to my favorite Nashville groups and missing my second favorite city.  If I didn’t live in DC, Nashville would be home.  I miss the creativity, but most importantly, I miss my best friend BethAnn!  BethAnn and I met in college, and it was like taking a big breath of fresh air.  We lived together in the sorority house our sophomore year, and she is the only person I was able to share a room with without going crazy.  She was supportive when I was in therapy for depression, and didn’t laugh when I started my sentences with “my therapist said”.   When I cried over a boy who I thought I was meant to spend the rest of my life with, she didn’t tell me I was wrong, just that it would work out if it was meant to be.  It wasn’t.  He is now married to a much skinnier girl that looks just a little bit like me, but that is another story.  

At the end of our sophomore year, BethAnn made a trip to Nashville with her family and fell in love.  I don’t blame her - Nashville is one hell of a city.  It was a time when she couldn’t decide what she wanted to do with her life, and thought about changing her major every other week.  When she decided to transfer to Belmont in Nashville, my heart broke a little bit.  I knew she had found what makes her tick, but I didn’t want to lose BethAnn.  Luckily we are kindred spirits who will always be close no matter the distance.  

It was my precious BethAnn that tempted me to Nashville, and the city itself that captivated me.  It’s a city that grips you by the soul and never lets go.  The talent at every turn is almost overwhelming.  On my many trips to my city of soul and mecca of creativity, BethAnn introduced me to some of my favorite musicians - some of whom you probably have never heard.  Once you have, you will want to tell everyone about them!  

1) Florida Georgia Line: This duo will keep you coming back for more with their high energy country music.  I first saw them perform in a writer's showcase close to 4 years ago.  Ever since, I have not been able to get songs like “Backwoods Beauty Queen” out of my head.  Not only are Brian and Tyler amazingly talented, they are really down-to-earth Southern boys.  I have crashed on their couch, walked around music row after a night at Tin Roof, and listened to them jam out in their living room.  Don’t just take my word for it.  Check out their music on iTunes or on their website.  http://floridageorgialine.com/

2) KingBilly: I am actually the one that introduced BethAnn to this band.  They played a country music festival in my hometown back in the summer of 2009, and I was immediately hooked.  This group of guys can rock your socks off with their country/classic rock fusion.  Then, the smooth voice of hottie lead singer Donny Fallgatter will melt more than just your heart.  I also had the pleasure of kicking back a few bourbon-and-gingers with this crew, and they are as cool as they are diverse.  You can take a listen at  http://www.myspace.com/kingbilly or get their EP on iTunes.  (Donny also has a few songs of his own http://facebook.com/donnyboot.)

3) Elenowen: You may have seen this duo perform on the 1st season of NBC’s The Voice.  This married couple has a finger directly on my heartstrings.  I spent my 23rd birthday in Nashville with BethAnn, and one of my gifts was Elenowen’s CD.  The next day, we went to one of their shows, and their harmonies brought tears to my eyes  Their music became a part of my everyday life.  When they made it on The Voice ,I was ecstatic.  Then Blake Shelton let them go in the second round, and I was mad at him for as long as anyone can be mad at Blake Shelton.  They have a new EP out that can be found on iTunes.  http://elenowen.com/

So, share the music, and if you have never been to Nashville ,make the time!  Music is a direct link to the soul.  It’s music that inspires me to write, to bare my soul (to the few of you that read my blog, thank you!), and maybe even embarrass myself from time to time.  God did not bless with me with musical abilities - karaoke proves that every week, but he did bless me with a true appreciation for music.  Thank you to the talented people in this world that share their gifts with the rest of us.