We spend so much of our lives worrying about what other people think. I know I make myself physically sick sometimes worrying how other people perceive me, or thinking that I did something unpleasing to those I care about. I worry about what the world thinks; I worry about rejection, sometimes so much so that the anxiety is overwhelming.
I worry when my hair is not in place, and I don’t leave the house without makeup on. I squeeze into Spanx everyday to make my curvaceous figure more appealing. I worry that the number of men I have slept with is too high, and I also worry that no one will ever want to sleep with me again. I worry that every time a boy kisses me, I am going to be added to his list of mistakes - the fat girl who he is ashamed he hooked up with.
I worry about hurting my loved ones’ feelings, or being unable to please them. I am a people-pleaser, so when someone rejects me, I look at it like I am unpleasing, I didn’t do what I am supposed to do. As a Southern woman I feel that it is my job to make everyone feel welcomed, comfortable, and happy. I want to be well-liked. Not really out of ego, but out of anxiety.
Part of me has started to realize that I can’t please everyone. I am human, and I make mistakes. In trying to please the world, I have forgotten to please myself. I am not saying I won’t take responsibility for my actions; I will apologize when I misbehave. I just can not dwell on things I can’t change after an apology has been made.
There is this movie that Anna and I are obsessed with caled “Bachelorette”. (Spoilers to follow, kind of) It is a dark comedy starring Kirsten Dunst, Rebel Wilson, Isla Fisher, and Lizzy Caplan. I have found my current life motto from this film. If you know anything about the movie you might be like, “Really?” Once you get past the cocaine, strippers, and outwardly fucked-up friendships/relationships, there is something deeper. Really, it is the friendship between Kirsten Dunst’s character Regan and Rebel Wilson’s character Becky that brings about my new motto.
At first, you think that Regan hates Becky, and you don’t realize why she is her maid of honor. Becky (Rebel Wilson) is a heavier woman, and she is getting married to a smoking hot man. It is obvious that Regan tries to be perfect, and her attempts come off as a cold hearted bitch, or maybe she is a cold hearted bitch. She feels like she is the one who should be getting married, for several reasons that are not relevant here. Then there is this moment when Becky catches Regan trying to purge because of stress, and you realize Becky and Regan share something much deeper. They have a history. In high school, Becky covered up for Regan’s bulimia and got upset when people spread rumors that it was her who was bulimic. Regan had told her to “Fuck Everyone” and that was what Becky was telling her to do now.
Right before Becky is about to walk down the aisle, she freaks out and says she can’t go through with it. She looks at Regan and says, “Everyone thinks I am too fat to marry him.” Regan grabs her by the shoulders, looked her dead in the eyes, and says “Fuck Everyone!”
That’s it. That is the key to finding my comfort and happiness - Fuck everyone! Fuck the stupid jackass who, after weeks of flirting with me, told me he didn’t find me physically attractive. Fuck the people at the state society picnic who looked at me like a leopard because I have put on 20 pounds since college. Fuck D and the cloud of darkness he brought to my life for a year and a half. Fuck the supposed friends who have alienated me, leaving me to feel unwanted and inadequate. I have struggled with when to stop fighting to keep them and when to walk away. Now is that time. Too many people do want me in this world to focus on the ones who don’t. Fuck the people who have or will ever call me fat. I have spent too much time caring what the world thinks. Too much time letting everyones’ opinions of me dictate who I am going to be. Now is the time to worry about me - my wants, my needs, and what makes me happy! Because I deserve to be happy. I have not always thought that I did, but I know now I really do.
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