Fool

Sometimes, life slithers up when you least expect it and snaps at your heels; it strikes and the venom of that moment’s poison spreads.  I thought I was immune to D, that there was no way he could hurt me anymore.  I was wrong.   

Over a year ago, when D and I sat down in a Starbucks and talked everything out, I asked him a question that was very important to me.  I ask him if he had ever cheated on his girlfriend before me or after me.  He told me no.  He told me it had just been me.  For some reason, this was a comfort; it let me keep up my illusion that D was a good man.  It made me feel special, like there was something about me from which he couldn’t just walk away.  I didn’t see the facts - if I was special, then why didn’t he leave her for me. It doesn’t matter because I wasn’t special at all.  

I found out that he had cheated before, or during, the time we were whatever we were.  I don’t know the timing, but I do know I was not the only one.  He lied to her too.  He strung her along, made her feel special.  I don’t know why I am surprised by his lying to me - he had before.  I had just grown to trust him.  That day we were supposed to be completely honest with each other, laying it all on the table.  He looked me straight in the eyes and told me what he thought I wanted to hear.  Really, I just wanted the truth.  

I realize that I never really knew D, I fell in love with a lie.  I thought that he had so much good in him.  We were two good people that found ourselves in an impossible situation, but really I don’t know if either of us are good.  He isn’t.  There is no good in D at all.  How can he play with so many peoples’ emotions for his own amusement and still have any good in him at all?  He intentionally hurt me, and he intentionally hurts his girlfriend over and over again.  

I feel sorry for her.  She is in a relationship with a stranger who has no regard for her or her feelings.  I used to wish everyday that their relationship would end.  I can’t be that good of a person because I wished that pain on her.  I now wish for the same thing but for different reasons.  I wish for her to be free of D, to move on with her life before it is too late.  No one deserves to be with someone that dishonest.

I really don’t know how to express what I am feeling.  I feel like he ripped my heart out of my chest and crushed it into dust.  I feel so stupid, so very stupid, for ever trusting him, for ever loving him.  Here I am doing the thing I promised I would never do again, crying over D.  My tears aren’t really for him though.  I am crying because I lost myself for a person I never really knew.  I am crying because I was a fool, an absolute and complete fool!