The thing about moving on, truly moving on, the- “I don’t give a shit about you anymore” and meaning it-moving on, is realizing that their face is not going to be the one you will spend the rest of your life with. All the thoughts, plans, and dreams you had about your lives together are irrelevant. You have to start over, and this leaves me with so many questions.
What will my forever look like? Will he be tall and broad, or my height, standing eye to eye? Will his eyes be kind or sultry, brown or blue? Will he be a bookworm or a jock? Will his hair be short or something I can run my fingers through? Where will we meet? Maybe I already know him. Will our first kiss be sweet and tender or drunk and sloppy? Will we be the kind of couple who holds hands just so we can be touching or the kind who keep our hands to ourselves in public? Will we fight just to be able to make up? Whose place will we stay more, his or mine? Will we be a couple that loves to hit the town or the kind that likes quiet nights at home?
I also have so many hopes for what he, what we, will be like. I hope he touches my face when he kisses me. I hope he thinks I look equally as beautiful in a t shirt or all dolled up. I hope he will be adventurous with me both in and out of the bedroom. I hope he will challenge me to be the best version of myself. I hope he will stand up for me when I need it, but know when I have my battles under control. I hope we can trust each other, and I mean real, unconditional trust. I hope we are supportive of each other, both our careers and our dreams. I hope he won't mind if I write about him, us, my thoughts on it all. I hope he gets along with my brother, and understands with me, you also get my family. I hope that we become friends with each other's friends, but most importantly be each other's best friend.
I want all the stages in between where I am now and consuming love. I want the sparkling eye contact when you first meet. The giddy feeling when he texts you for the first time. I want the first date jitters and the heat of a truly great first kiss. You know, the kind of kiss that makes you weak in the knees, that makes you need to stabilize yourself on whatever is available, but mainly just hold on to him, never wanting to let go. I want one of those kisses that is so great that years later you still think back on that particular kiss, that moment that you lost yourself in someone else. I want the butterflies, my heart beating too fast feeling the first time he calls you his girlfriend, and the all consuming relief and joy the first time he says, “I love you.”
I have questions, hopes, and wants for my life and the person I someday choose to share it with. There is no way of knowing when or where we will meet, but maybe that is the fun part. I sometimes become so cynical and jaded when it comes to love, but at heart, I am a hopeless romantic. I do believe there is someone out there for me, someone wonderful who isn’t going to make me jump through hoops to be with them.
I may question how it is all going to play out and hope for a lot of things, but there are some things I know without a doubt. The person that I will spend forever with will be kind, understanding, and brave. He won’t run away from love, or hide from possibility. He will never make me feel inadequate. I know my forever will be better than my past.
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