2017 ... Get Out of Here!!!!

2017 has been a hell of a year.  It has been full of big life-altering moments.  I started a new career path in finance, making the reason I moved to DC, politics, an interest instead a way of life.  I let friendships go, not because I wanted to, but because I deserved to be treated better.  I learned more about my parents, their marriage, and how devastating their actions can be more than any child should know.  I adopted a kitten who has filled my little home with so much love, toys, and cat hair.  I turned 30, closing tthe door on my 20s and finding something surprising on the other side.  Through these ups and downs I have learned so much about myself, even if I couldn’t see it in the moment.

If you had told me 7 years ago, when I packed my bags for DC, that I would be doing anything but working in politics I would not have believed you.  I was 14 years old when I fell in love with politics, government, and laws governing our country.  I used to believe that one of the best ways to make a difference in people's lives is to help changes the laws that govern them.  I still believe that is true, but now I also believe just because you love something doesn’t mean it is going to be the thing that makes you happy.  Making the decision to leave the life I always dreamed of living (but found myself miserable in) for a company that would make sure I grow and learn was one of the hardest I have ever had to make.  I came to terms with the fact that leaving politics did not make me a failure, and it did not mean I gave up on my dream.  Very few people know exactly what they want to do with their lives at 14 years old.  With that in mind, I realized that dreams could be used for other things, and I didn’t give up on my dream; I just lived it and found new ones.

Walking away from people you love, even if it is for the right reasons, is never easy.  I walked away from a person I loved very much, who had become one of my very best friends, my confidant, and my family.  When you let someone in like that, reveal your most vulnerable self, it is devastating when they deliberately hurt you.  They know what cuts the deepest and the fact that they would use that against you, take the cheap shots - it is beyond words.  I promised myself over the past 7 years that I would not let other people make me feel inferior, and I would not force myself where I am unwanted.  I also have learned when people show you who they really are, believe them.  When they berate you, rubbing salt on the wounds they inflicted - that is the real them.  Walking away from that friendship meant I lost several other people through association.  Even though that was February I still struggle with the loss of them all, but i have too much respect for myself, and have worked to hard to find that respect, to let anyone treat me the way I was treated.  People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime and the season turned on these particular friendships.

It’s hard for me to discuss my parents, especially since my mother took my dad back.  I have a hard time looking at him and not seeing the woman he had an affair with for 5 years.  Every time I see a picture of myself with my hair dyed red I am reminded that she was a redhead, and because of that, I don’t know if I can ever be a redhead again.  I will never understand why my mother stayed.  They haven’t been happy in a very long time, well before the affair.  My dad is a selfish person, and at 59 years old there is very little chance that will change.  Even as an adult, hearing the fights, seeing my mom in tears, watching her burn her wedding dress, it was like I was living a nightmare that I couldn’t stop.  Everything about my family was changing forever, and I couldn’t do anything to stop it.  Now that she has taken him back, they do things they have never done before, like hold hands the entire time they are in the car together.  I don’t trust it, because I don’t trust him.  I want more for my mom than this.  I want for her what she raised me to believe I deserve.  But it’s not my decision.  Now I go home for holidays to a new house that my mother bought when she was planning to divorce my dad.  I listen to my dad say how thankful we are to be together, but I remember that terrible things that were said just 7 short months ago.  Now my family feels like a big lie, even if we are all just lying to each other or ourselves.

The great light in this year has been Lucy.  That little fur ball has brought be joy and given me something to be excited to go home to.  With every meow and snuggle, I love her a little more.  I don’t care if I have eliminated 20% of my male dating population (direct quote from our company's president).  She greets me at the door every day, making my life feel a little more special.  I have leaned in to the crazy cat lady thing.  I even made Lucy her own Instagram (@lucykittenadventures).  I mean do you know how much some of those instagram pets make their owners a year?!?! Besides she is just too cute not to share with the world, but I am her mom soooo.  In all seriousness, the added responsibility of keeping another living thing alive has also been good for me.  I have to think about her before I can plan a trip or stay out all night.  She has helped me shed a few more of those young habits and adult a little bit more.  So what if everything I own in covered in cat hair now.

All of that before my 30th birthday?  Ok 2017, you couldn’t give me a break?  Leading up to my 30th birthday I was not taking the idea of my 30s very well.  I put so much pressure on a party and a big outing and trying to make this “milestone” special.  I know now I was just trying to control something since I couldn’t make time stand still.  I was so worried about all the things I had planned to do by 30 instead of thinking about all the amazing things I had done.  When the day came it was just another day, and I didn’t feel any different.  As I have settled into 30, I do find myself just a little more comfortable in my skin.  I have tried to shed the whole idea of “suppose to” and am looking at what I want to do.  I am determined to live my best life.  I am going to be a Harry Potter and Doctor Who fangirl, a crazy cat lady with more nail polish than some salons, and a tv addict who might require rehab.

With 2018 rolling in, I look forward to what it will hold.  I have so many adventures planned and celebrations to attend.  I am going to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter Celebration in Orlando, where I am going to dress up in costumes and nerd out for 3 days of Harry Potter excitement!  This year I will take the time to see friends, and build on the amazing relationships I already have in my life.  I am sure 2018 has some curves up its sleeve, but after 2017, I think I am ready for anything.

Lucy Kitten Adventures

So far 2017 has already held its fair share of life-changing moments, many of which I wish had never happened, but there is one that has changed my life for the better.  In March I adopted a kitten!  Her name is Lucy and she has become my everything.  

I have always loved animals.  Growing up we had dogs, cats, and a rabbit..  My mother even has a story about me trying to smuggle kittens from a family friend's house in the front pockets of my dress when I was about 3 years old.  Living in the city I always knew I would eventually want to get a cat.  As much as I love dogs, I am not going to wake up at 6am to walk it when it is snowing or raining or Saturday.  When I found my current apartment last February, being cat-friendly was a must.  

After waiting a year so that I was comfortable in my place, and finally at a job where I plan on staying for a while, it was time to bring a cute little furball into my life. I started to get lost on adoption sites like Petfinder.  I convinced Chloe to be my cat whisperer and to take me to pick a kitten out from Petsmart.  About a week before our scheduled trip, I was looking at an adoption site, and there she was.  The cutest kitten that I had ever seen.  I said out loud this is white and tabby-patched girl with big eyes is my cat!  I quickly emailed an application in to see if she was still available.  One week later Chloe and Betsy were driving me to pick up Gracie Lou up from her foster home.  I loved her immediately and renamed her Lucy.  

The day before I picked up Lucy was one of the hardest days of my life.  I found out about my father's affair.  It was the day that forever changed my family.  I couldn’t have gotten my furry source of unconditional love at a more opportune time.  From the first time she crawled in my lap the first night, she was my furbaby and I was her mom, and we were in this together from that moment forward.  This is when you can insert all your crazy cat lady joke if you must.  

I have embraced the cat lady lifestyle fully.  I show my coworkers cat pictures, make the cat sitter send me pictures when I am traveling, and have canceled plans because I would rather drink wine at home with my cat.  My boss likes to remind me that I have eliminated 20% of the male dating population by getting a cat.  I have even created her own Instagram page (@luckykittenadventures).  #fullcatladylife

Sidebar: Why with people who are obsessed with their dogs they aren’t a crazy dog lady, but the moment someone gets a cat people tell her she is a crazy cat lady and will probably die alone?!?  It is just rude!

Truly, Lucy has been one of the only lights in a very dark and emotional time in my life.  I have cried in her fur more than I will ever admit.  She knows when I am upset and tries to comfort me.  Choosing to adopt her at that exact moment in my life was serendipitous.  The universe knew she needed a home and that I was going to need her.  Thank you universe, for bringing me the most adorable, silly, loving furball I ever could have asked for.  

* To Learn More about adopting a cat or dog of your own in the DC/ Maryland/Virginia area visit Lucky Dog Animal Rescue.

Letter to My Future

As I have watched my parents relationship fracture and crumble, I have seen the man my father truly is.  As the lies are exposed and the rose colored glasses are removed, I wonder if I will ever be able to trust a man fully again.  How do I continue to believe in love when my example of love is broken?  Somehow I still have hope that someone is out there for me, and if they are, I have a few things to say to them.   

Hello,

I am not sure if you are out there looking for me, or if we have already met.  Maybe you are still sowing your wild oats, and that is ok.  When we make our way to each other I want you to be ready.  We won’t be young and stupid or trapping each other.  I want us to choose each other.  I want you to see my flaws with open eyes and love me because I am not perfect, not in spite of it.   

Be forewarned, I come with baggage.  I have spent my life being an afterthought for the men in my life, neglected and ignored.  Make me a priority, because you will always be my priority.  Hold my hand when we are walking through a crowd so that I never feel lost.  Never hush me or try to dampen my light because you never want me to feel small. Learn the small things about me, like how I take my coffee or what I want on my hamburger.  Those small everyday things are more important than the big romantic gestures to me.  I would rather you really know me than have the big social media worthy moments.

Accept my eccentricity, they are what make me interesting and who I am.  It took me a long time to not hide behind pearls, a southern accent , and a smile.  I am not ashamed of my fandoms, or all the cat pictures on my phone.  Embrace the things that bring me joy, even if you don’t understand them.  I will always embrace the things that make you you.  Make an effort to get to know my friends; they are my chosen family and aren’t going anywhere.     

It doesn’t all fall on you.  I promise to tell you how I feel instead of internalizing things.  I will listen and pay attention to you, because what you say matters to me.  Laughter will be something I strive for with you every day because I want you to be my best friend. I know we have both been independent for a long time and will respect that we need our own space.  I never want us to lose who we are as individuals just because we are together as a couple.     

I am waiting for you because I know our love will be worth it.  I won’t settle for someone else out of fear you might not come or impatience that you are taking too long.  Actually, I will never let fear or insecurities drive our relationship.  I have watched what fear of being alone can do to a marriage over 38 years.  We will not be my parents. I will remember you are not my father.  

While I wait, I will let life happen, but know I am ready when you are.  

Until we find each other,

H   

30

This week I turn 30!  Yikes, that seems so old, something that used to feel so far away.  Much like my Quarter Life Crisis at 25, I have not been handling the fast approaching golden birthday very well.  People who knew me in college might be surprised by that because I used to think 30 was the perfect age.  I used to think 30 would be when I would have life all figured out, I would be settled down. I didn’t expect 30 to be sharing my over priced apartment with no closet space with my newly adopted cat.  

I have been looking back on my 20s and have regretted some of the boys and the wild nights. Feeling like I have lost time on all the wrong people. Maybe I should be realizing that they were the right people to get me to where I am. That is what your 20s are for. Making mistakes, falling for the wrong people, realizing what you really want in the right one. Your 20s are for making unbreakable friendships, the friends who become family, the friends who know everything about you. Your 20s are for chasing your dreams and finding the career path that not just pays the bills but makes you happy.

But what are your 30s supposed to be for? What will this next decade (don’t like it) hold? Unlike the disappointing self inflicted expectations of my 20s I am not setting timelines for my life anymore.  I just want to live life as best I can. Travel and see as much as I can. Love the people in my life. Stop worrying about what is missing and focus on what I have.  

Even though 30 does not thrill me I am doing what I do best, and throwing a big party.  Well a two part extravaganza really.  It all kicks off Friday night with a rooftop party overlooking the White House.  There will be champagne and rose, flowers, friends, and Chick-fil-a chicken nuggets!  What more could a girl ask for?  Maybe a fun theme?  Well, I have that covered too!  Party Like a Pineapple!  Pineapples are sweet on the inside, stand tall, and wear a crown, just like me!  Pineapples represent hospitality, are something every home should have, and just happen to be something I collect.  The celebration will roll right into Saturday with a party bus to Virginia wine country with my nearest and dearest.  I will wrap up the weekend with a killer hangover that I will get over just in time to drink more wine while eating pizza and watching Game of Thrones!  It will be a weekend full of all my favorite people and all of my favorite things.  

Although I made some mistakes in my 20s, I can’t imagine my life being any different than it is right now.  I hope the next decade (nope still don’t like it) is full of more adventures with my friends and a time for me to continue to grow.  Also, full of wine … always more wine!

Slipping ...

I can feel it.  It is creeping over me, slowly, with every ounce of bad news or bad decision.  I am slipping into my dark place.  I am trying to pull myself out, but I feel like I just keep slipping deeper.  It is like trying to climb up the side of a dark muddy hole, the harder you try to grip and claw the farther you fall, and the hole gets just a little bit deeper.  

This was supposed to be the year of Harper, this year of empowerment and good things.  I keep making decisions to try to prove I am living my life for me.  I dyed my hair red.  I said it was because I always wanted to, which isn’t a complete lie but it isn’t the whole truth.  I needed to know if the blonde bombshell persona I have been hiding behind all of my twenties was the only thing that made me me.  Am i more than a Marilyn Monroe wannabe?  You might be saying to yourself it is just hair, but our society puts a lot of emphasis on hair.  People spends ungodly amounts of money to color, cut, and protect their hair.  People sew and clip in someone else’s hair to give them the look of full abundant hair that society has told us is beautiful.  If I added up how much I spent on the salon and products every year it would probably make me sick.  So, how did going red make me feel?  At first I didn’t even recognize myself.  I worried that I had just taken away the one thing that helped make my features beautiful.  I found myself worried about what every person in my life thought about it.  Would I still attract the same men or any men at all?  It has been a month and I have decided to keep it red, at least for now.  I think in many ways it is making me face some of my fears.  Which is good, because the rest of my life just makes me want to run.

Why do I want to run?  Why am I slipping farther and farther?  This is really hard for me to talk about.  I am just going to blurt it out.  My mom is going to leave my dad.  At 29 years old, my parents are going to get a divorce.  Or at least my mom likes to talk to me about the selfish things my dad does and tell me she is looking at houses online and thinking about divorce attorneys.  I want them both to be happy, and if that means they need to be apart, then fine.  I know my life will turn upside down, but I am an adult; I can handle that for them.  It’s more that my example of love is broken.  No wonder I can’t find a healthy loving relationship, I didn’t exactly have the best example.  I date men like my father.  Men who only give you the little part of themselves that they want to share.  Men that never think about you when making decisions that will inevitably affect you.  Men who are selfish.  My mom tells me to break the cycle, to find someone who will adore me, but I don’t know how.  It is true, women end up dating their fathers.

I also am still not talking to Bee.  I sent her a message a month ago.  I know it was probably too late, but I meant what I said in it.  I love her, and I miss her.  I know that doesn’t change that we have things to work through, but it does mean that I want to try to figure things out.  I tried all summer to find the right words to say to her, but I never could figure out how to say how she has made me feel all these years without reliving every terrible moment.  I was too worried about my parents, and my job and just kept telling myself that it would keep.  We would work it out eventually, maybe we, maybe I, just needed some time.  Instead of time bringing us back together it has dissolved what we had.  How strong could our friendship have been if we can’t make it through this?  10 years, maybe that was the time limit on our friendship.

I try to forget Evan and the fact that when I tried to make something more of our causal relationship he just disappeared.  I try to brush away how deeply hurt I was.  I had really let him in, let him see all the parts of myself I try to hide.  Somehow he made me feel safe, and wanted, and alive.  I had given him more power to hurt me than even I had realized.  When he disappeared, the aching was palpable.  I wanted to feel anything else, anything but what I was feeling.  I have slept with boys to prove to myself that I am desireable, and to mask that I still care about Evan, still think about him.  

When he texted this weekend after 3 months of silence, there was a little part of me that wanted to believe the “I’m sorrys” and the “I miss yous”.  At least in that moment I was able to call him on his shit, to not let him off easy, to find some little ounce of strength.  I deserve more.  I was just starting to really be ok, and he had to pop back up, to remind me that my feelings for him are still there, fading but not yet gone.  

I try to grip a little harder, and I slip a little farther.  

Perfect Storm of Sadness

I am sad.  I am sad for a whole host of reasons.  I am sad because I am sleeping with someone I could actually really see myself with, but I am too scared to ask for anything more than occasional sex.  I am sad because M sent me a booty call text that made me so angry I could scream, and the fact that it made me feel something so extreme makes me sad.  I am sad because I finally told Bee how she makes me feel inadequate and she didn’t at all comprehend it, and now I feel like I am losing one of my oldest friends.  I am sad because maybe no matter how much self discovery I go through, I will still just be a girl seeking the approval of other people: of men, of friends, of anyone and everyone who might just for a second solidify that I am real and solid and worth something.  Maybe no matter how strong of a woman I have become there are moments when I am just a sad broken girl.

Sad and broken are the perfect words to describe how I feel in this moment.  All of this comes on the heels of things that should make me feel empowered.  I have a man who I enjoy having sex with and he enjoys having sex with me, and that should be empowering, to enjoy my body.  Instead I find myself just wishing Evan would want more from me than just my body.  I told him that the intimacy of staying the night with someone is just as important to me as sex, so he gave me that.  He stayed, he engulfed me in his arms, gently pressing his lips to my forehead.  He talked to me about real parts of his life.  I mistook him giving me what I told him I needed for him actually caring.  He cares about fulfilling my needs, not because he is falling In love with me, but it is what lovers do, they scratch an itch.  The problem with receiving intimacy from someone who doesn’t want to be with you is intimacy fosters feelings.  

So, here I am sad that I have contracted feelings for my fuck buddy and M has to go and text me.  We had been at a going away party for one of our friends, and I will admit I looked great, but losing 26lbs will do that for you!  M leaves early and while I am still sitting at the bar with our friends drinking cheap beer and debating the merits of everyone taking a fireball shot, my phone buzzes.  There it was, “Hey.”  It sat right below the message from January where he said “You are a pretty girl, I just can’t do this.”  That “Hey” was a punch in the gut.  What the actual fuck?  He has no right to text me.  He couldn’t even try to have a conversation with me for the 4 hours we were in the same room, but he thinks a drunk “Hey” is appropriate?  I have been such an adult about our whole situation, and he goes and does something as childish as testing the waters with a booty text.  I wanted so badly to text and ask if he was serious, but our friends talked me off the ledge.  I didn’t respond, and that should make me feel empowered.   

The worst part is since that text I have been so angry!  I have wanted to yell at him, tell him that he was the one that chose not to be with me, so he will never have the right to text me.  To scream that he needs to grow up, if not for himself than for his friends that have to constantly apologize for his shitty behavior.  More than anything I want to yell at myself for wanting to yell at all.  I have spent the last 6 months figuring out how not to care about M.  I tried to give him my heart and he didn’t want it.  He doesn’t get to want or have any other part of me, not even my anger.  

As I try to decipher my feelings for two guys that don’t want my heart just my body, I am also trying to decide what to do about my friendship with one of my oldest friends.  Bee and I have been friends for almost a decade.  There are very few memories about college that don’t have her in them.  I love her truly, but loving her and being her friend has not always been easy.  When we are one on one, Bee is the best friend that she knows how to be.  When we are in public, around other people, I have often felt like Bee’s sidekick.  Over the years, I have often felt like she acted like she didn’t know why I was hanging around when we were around people who didn’t know us that well.  Or that she wouldn’t stand up for me if it would affect the time she was having.  Maybe it has always been in my head, but I have, especially since we graduated college, felt uncomfortable and like I had to prove my worthiness.  I don’t believe Bee has any idea that she does this, but that still doesn’t make it right.  Just because she is the best friend that she knows how to be does not mean she is a good friend.  

After a recent wedding of one of our college friends, I actually stood up for myself and told Bee how I felt. After sending that message, instead of feeling empowered, I felt like I was going to throw up.  It took her a week to respond, and when she did, it was just hours before I left the country for 4 days I didn’t know how to process the novel she sent.  For the past month I have been putting it off.  Starting message after message, but never truly knowing what to say.  Am I ok with losing her?  Losing the one person who knows all my college secrets, heartbreaks, and triumphs?  Am I willing to settle for less than the kind of friendship I know I deserve?  How do you say I love you but you are a shitty friend without having to rehash every moment that they made you feel less important than they are?  I don’t know what to say, and it makes me sad.  

Sadness scares me.  Sadness is the slippery slope to that dark and twist place that I fight so hard to avoid.  But sadness is a part of life, and I know that.  I just wish I wasn’t smack in the middle of the perfect storm of sadness.  

How to be Friends

As time passes and I end up having to be in a room with M, more and more I wonder why it hasn’t gotten any easier.  I don’t still want to be with him; I am not even that attracted to him anymore, but for some reason, it still makes me anxious.  I don’t talk to him at all these happy hours, bridal showers, and birthday parties.  I am not rude, and I don’t avoid him per se.  I just don’t have direct conversation with him.  I am beginning to wonder if it is ever possible to be friends with someone who rejects you so directly.  

The thing about M is that I never thought about him romantically until he kissed me.  After he kissed me, I began to think, “oh ok, I could see this working”.  He wasn’t the kind of guy I typically would have pursued.  He wears cargo shorts, and prefers basketball over football, and if I am really honest, he isn’t pretty enough.  I didn’t love the way he kissed me, but I didn’t hate it either.  All in all, M was someone who didn’t immediately make my heart flutter and the sun shine.  But I thought maybe that was a good thing.  Maybe that is how it should really be, instead of the manic intense disasters that all my other past relationships have been.  So I gave him a shot; I started envisioning a very comfortable life with him, and then I really began to care about him.  In all reality, I think I convinced myself to fall for him.  I convinced myself he was what I wanted.   

Do you know what happens when your backup plan chooses not to be with you?  The person you convinced yourself to fall for just can’t be with you.  A part of you breaks.  Not because they broke you, but because you broke yourself.  You convinced yourself this person would never hurt you, that they were safe, they were worth it.  Then you realize you can’t even keep the kind of safe guy who should worship the ground you walk on, the kind of guy who you would never love with unabashed passion but love enough to have a comfortable happy life.  

It might not hurt so much if you didn’t have to see him.  Being in a room with someone who blatantly said you are not enough for them is like a continuous panic attack.  You look at them, and you hear the words all over again.  It is like someone constantly screaming in your head, “YOU ARE NOT ENOUGH!”  No matter how much you really don’t want him anymore, it is a constant reminder of your failure, your inadequacy.   

Although deep down I know that it was him.  M is a child, and our friends let him get away with too much.  He doesn’t grow up because no one makes him.  I am adult and he is a child.  I wanted something real, and he wanted a fuck buddy.  I should have moved on on my own accord.  I liked having someone though, I wasn’t ready to have no one again.  I didn’t want to start over for the thousandth time.  

Maybe that voice will fade with time, when I meet someone new.  When I have found someone who actually wants me, all of me, not just when they are bored or drunk.  Maybe it will fade when I don’t feel like everyone is watching to see how we are going to act together.  Sometimes it feels like all our friends are waiting for me to have a meltdown or get mad at M or drunk cry.  I mean sometimes I do drunk cry about the situation, but in the privacy of my own home or to Layson.  

I don’t know that I will ever be able to be friends with M.  I know everyone expects me to, and I will always be civil, but I can not see the day that I will be M’s friend.  Maybe as I get older I am too jaded to pretend.  Maybe I am hard like my mother says.  But really it boils down to this, if I offer you all of me and you reject it. you don’t get to have any of me.