Perfect Storm of Sadness

I am sad.  I am sad for a whole host of reasons.  I am sad because I am sleeping with someone I could actually really see myself with, but I am too scared to ask for anything more than occasional sex.  I am sad because M sent me a booty call text that made me so angry I could scream, and the fact that it made me feel something so extreme makes me sad.  I am sad because I finally told Bee how she makes me feel inadequate and she didn’t at all comprehend it, and now I feel like I am losing one of my oldest friends.  I am sad because maybe no matter how much self discovery I go through, I will still just be a girl seeking the approval of other people: of men, of friends, of anyone and everyone who might just for a second solidify that I am real and solid and worth something.  Maybe no matter how strong of a woman I have become there are moments when I am just a sad broken girl.

Sad and broken are the perfect words to describe how I feel in this moment.  All of this comes on the heels of things that should make me feel empowered.  I have a man who I enjoy having sex with and he enjoys having sex with me, and that should be empowering, to enjoy my body.  Instead I find myself just wishing Evan would want more from me than just my body.  I told him that the intimacy of staying the night with someone is just as important to me as sex, so he gave me that.  He stayed, he engulfed me in his arms, gently pressing his lips to my forehead.  He talked to me about real parts of his life.  I mistook him giving me what I told him I needed for him actually caring.  He cares about fulfilling my needs, not because he is falling In love with me, but it is what lovers do, they scratch an itch.  The problem with receiving intimacy from someone who doesn’t want to be with you is intimacy fosters feelings.  

So, here I am sad that I have contracted feelings for my fuck buddy and M has to go and text me.  We had been at a going away party for one of our friends, and I will admit I looked great, but losing 26lbs will do that for you!  M leaves early and while I am still sitting at the bar with our friends drinking cheap beer and debating the merits of everyone taking a fireball shot, my phone buzzes.  There it was, “Hey.”  It sat right below the message from January where he said “You are a pretty girl, I just can’t do this.”  That “Hey” was a punch in the gut.  What the actual fuck?  He has no right to text me.  He couldn’t even try to have a conversation with me for the 4 hours we were in the same room, but he thinks a drunk “Hey” is appropriate?  I have been such an adult about our whole situation, and he goes and does something as childish as testing the waters with a booty text.  I wanted so badly to text and ask if he was serious, but our friends talked me off the ledge.  I didn’t respond, and that should make me feel empowered.   

The worst part is since that text I have been so angry!  I have wanted to yell at him, tell him that he was the one that chose not to be with me, so he will never have the right to text me.  To scream that he needs to grow up, if not for himself than for his friends that have to constantly apologize for his shitty behavior.  More than anything I want to yell at myself for wanting to yell at all.  I have spent the last 6 months figuring out how not to care about M.  I tried to give him my heart and he didn’t want it.  He doesn’t get to want or have any other part of me, not even my anger.  

As I try to decipher my feelings for two guys that don’t want my heart just my body, I am also trying to decide what to do about my friendship with one of my oldest friends.  Bee and I have been friends for almost a decade.  There are very few memories about college that don’t have her in them.  I love her truly, but loving her and being her friend has not always been easy.  When we are one on one, Bee is the best friend that she knows how to be.  When we are in public, around other people, I have often felt like Bee’s sidekick.  Over the years, I have often felt like she acted like she didn’t know why I was hanging around when we were around people who didn’t know us that well.  Or that she wouldn’t stand up for me if it would affect the time she was having.  Maybe it has always been in my head, but I have, especially since we graduated college, felt uncomfortable and like I had to prove my worthiness.  I don’t believe Bee has any idea that she does this, but that still doesn’t make it right.  Just because she is the best friend that she knows how to be does not mean she is a good friend.  

After a recent wedding of one of our college friends, I actually stood up for myself and told Bee how I felt. After sending that message, instead of feeling empowered, I felt like I was going to throw up.  It took her a week to respond, and when she did, it was just hours before I left the country for 4 days I didn’t know how to process the novel she sent.  For the past month I have been putting it off.  Starting message after message, but never truly knowing what to say.  Am I ok with losing her?  Losing the one person who knows all my college secrets, heartbreaks, and triumphs?  Am I willing to settle for less than the kind of friendship I know I deserve?  How do you say I love you but you are a shitty friend without having to rehash every moment that they made you feel less important than they are?  I don’t know what to say, and it makes me sad.  

Sadness scares me.  Sadness is the slippery slope to that dark and twist place that I fight so hard to avoid.  But sadness is a part of life, and I know that.  I just wish I wasn’t smack in the middle of the perfect storm of sadness.  

Maybe ...

How do I find myself confused and caught up with Him, that boy I can’t shake.  Let’s call him D.  

He hugged me last night.  He initiated it.  I can’t remember the last time he touched me.  I think it was the night we danced, the night I pushed him away, the night I sent him home to call his girlfriend.  I didn’t lean into the hug.  I didn’t press my body against his the way I would with a boy I am flirting with.  It wasn’t tender.  It was if we were both scared to touch one another, like the world would end if we got too close.  

He really does care about me.  That was obvious last night, and it was as though he wanted me to know that.  I had already noticed that he always wants to make sure I get home safe.  One time he even gave money to a friend to put me in a cab.  I didn’t know it was him behind it, and his friend took the credit.  I’m unsure why, but it seems to change things.  I no longer second guess that he cares; I just am baffled by what it means.  

When he offered to drive me home this time, I didn’t see the harm.  Conversation was flowing and I didn’t want it to end.  I never know how long we will be on good terms, and am always frightened that he will shut me out.  He remembered where I lived even though he had only been there twice, and hadn’t since before Christmas.  Maybe I am seeing something where there is nothing.  Maybe none of it means a thing.  He let me know he made it home safe like I asked, but now I have his number again.  I don’t know if I am ready for that responsibility, that temptation. Too late.  If I delete it again, I know he will be hurt.  He was hurt the first time.  Here's hoping that the “Do Not Drunk Text” before his name in my phone will help this time.  

I wish I could say our conversation ended with him letting me know he was home, but it didn’t.  We were very sarcastic and it made me laugh.  I accidentally sent him a message meant for Skylar, a pep talk about not settling and holding out for the spark.  I was telling her she is an amazing woman.  I immediately realized my mistake and apologized, but that started the convo back up again.  He said that pep talks are always welcome.  I told him that I would have given him a different one.  He said a different quote might be better, but he isn’t picky.  So I gave it a shot: You are a kind person, you are smart, you are hard working, and you deserve all the good life will bring you.  

This is where it gets interesting …

D: That is better for you than me!
Me: I don’t know.  I think it fits you pretty well. You don’t have to be as kind as you are to me.  I don’t always make it easy on you and I know that.  I am sorry for that.
D: Yes I do … I was an ass a while back … You don’t need to apologize.
Me: People make mistakes.  It is what it is.
D: You are kind to say that.
Me: You aren’t a jerk, you are a good guy.  She is a very lucky girl to have someone like you.  I really mean that.  

That was it.  

Maybe I was his mistake, but I don’t think that the mistake was getting to know me, it was kissing me.  Maybe he is just trying to make up for his indiscretions. Maybe the way he cares about me is wrong.  But is it?  Can’t you care about the well being of someone of the opposite sex without wanted to get in their pants? Maybe it is different because we have been physical before.  Maybe it is different because I still look at him and long for his touch.  Maybe you can never recover from circumstances like the ones that we got to know each other under.  Maybe, just maybe, we are not supposed to be a part of each others lives.