Letter to My Future

As I have watched my parents relationship fracture and crumble, I have seen the man my father truly is.  As the lies are exposed and the rose colored glasses are removed, I wonder if I will ever be able to trust a man fully again.  How do I continue to believe in love when my example of love is broken?  Somehow I still have hope that someone is out there for me, and if they are, I have a few things to say to them.   

Hello,

I am not sure if you are out there looking for me, or if we have already met.  Maybe you are still sowing your wild oats, and that is ok.  When we make our way to each other I want you to be ready.  We won’t be young and stupid or trapping each other.  I want us to choose each other.  I want you to see my flaws with open eyes and love me because I am not perfect, not in spite of it.   

Be forewarned, I come with baggage.  I have spent my life being an afterthought for the men in my life, neglected and ignored.  Make me a priority, because you will always be my priority.  Hold my hand when we are walking through a crowd so that I never feel lost.  Never hush me or try to dampen my light because you never want me to feel small. Learn the small things about me, like how I take my coffee or what I want on my hamburger.  Those small everyday things are more important than the big romantic gestures to me.  I would rather you really know me than have the big social media worthy moments.

Accept my eccentricity, they are what make me interesting and who I am.  It took me a long time to not hide behind pearls, a southern accent , and a smile.  I am not ashamed of my fandoms, or all the cat pictures on my phone.  Embrace the things that bring me joy, even if you don’t understand them.  I will always embrace the things that make you you.  Make an effort to get to know my friends; they are my chosen family and aren’t going anywhere.     

It doesn’t all fall on you.  I promise to tell you how I feel instead of internalizing things.  I will listen and pay attention to you, because what you say matters to me.  Laughter will be something I strive for with you every day because I want you to be my best friend. I know we have both been independent for a long time and will respect that we need our own space.  I never want us to lose who we are as individuals just because we are together as a couple.     

I am waiting for you because I know our love will be worth it.  I won’t settle for someone else out of fear you might not come or impatience that you are taking too long.  Actually, I will never let fear or insecurities drive our relationship.  I have watched what fear of being alone can do to a marriage over 38 years.  We will not be my parents. I will remember you are not my father.  

While I wait, I will let life happen, but know I am ready when you are.  

Until we find each other,

H   

30

This week I turn 30!  Yikes, that seems so old, something that used to feel so far away.  Much like my Quarter Life Crisis at 25, I have not been handling the fast approaching golden birthday very well.  People who knew me in college might be surprised by that because I used to think 30 was the perfect age.  I used to think 30 would be when I would have life all figured out, I would be settled down. I didn’t expect 30 to be sharing my over priced apartment with no closet space with my newly adopted cat.  

I have been looking back on my 20s and have regretted some of the boys and the wild nights. Feeling like I have lost time on all the wrong people. Maybe I should be realizing that they were the right people to get me to where I am. That is what your 20s are for. Making mistakes, falling for the wrong people, realizing what you really want in the right one. Your 20s are for making unbreakable friendships, the friends who become family, the friends who know everything about you. Your 20s are for chasing your dreams and finding the career path that not just pays the bills but makes you happy.

But what are your 30s supposed to be for? What will this next decade (don’t like it) hold? Unlike the disappointing self inflicted expectations of my 20s I am not setting timelines for my life anymore.  I just want to live life as best I can. Travel and see as much as I can. Love the people in my life. Stop worrying about what is missing and focus on what I have.  

Even though 30 does not thrill me I am doing what I do best, and throwing a big party.  Well a two part extravaganza really.  It all kicks off Friday night with a rooftop party overlooking the White House.  There will be champagne and rose, flowers, friends, and Chick-fil-a chicken nuggets!  What more could a girl ask for?  Maybe a fun theme?  Well, I have that covered too!  Party Like a Pineapple!  Pineapples are sweet on the inside, stand tall, and wear a crown, just like me!  Pineapples represent hospitality, are something every home should have, and just happen to be something I collect.  The celebration will roll right into Saturday with a party bus to Virginia wine country with my nearest and dearest.  I will wrap up the weekend with a killer hangover that I will get over just in time to drink more wine while eating pizza and watching Game of Thrones!  It will be a weekend full of all my favorite people and all of my favorite things.  

Although I made some mistakes in my 20s, I can’t imagine my life being any different than it is right now.  I hope the next decade (nope still don’t like it) is full of more adventures with my friends and a time for me to continue to grow.  Also, full of wine … always more wine!