2017 ... Get Out of Here!!!!

2017 has been a hell of a year.  It has been full of big life-altering moments.  I started a new career path in finance, making the reason I moved to DC, politics, an interest instead a way of life.  I let friendships go, not because I wanted to, but because I deserved to be treated better.  I learned more about my parents, their marriage, and how devastating their actions can be more than any child should know.  I adopted a kitten who has filled my little home with so much love, toys, and cat hair.  I turned 30, closing tthe door on my 20s and finding something surprising on the other side.  Through these ups and downs I have learned so much about myself, even if I couldn’t see it in the moment.

If you had told me 7 years ago, when I packed my bags for DC, that I would be doing anything but working in politics I would not have believed you.  I was 14 years old when I fell in love with politics, government, and laws governing our country.  I used to believe that one of the best ways to make a difference in people's lives is to help changes the laws that govern them.  I still believe that is true, but now I also believe just because you love something doesn’t mean it is going to be the thing that makes you happy.  Making the decision to leave the life I always dreamed of living (but found myself miserable in) for a company that would make sure I grow and learn was one of the hardest I have ever had to make.  I came to terms with the fact that leaving politics did not make me a failure, and it did not mean I gave up on my dream.  Very few people know exactly what they want to do with their lives at 14 years old.  With that in mind, I realized that dreams could be used for other things, and I didn’t give up on my dream; I just lived it and found new ones.

Walking away from people you love, even if it is for the right reasons, is never easy.  I walked away from a person I loved very much, who had become one of my very best friends, my confidant, and my family.  When you let someone in like that, reveal your most vulnerable self, it is devastating when they deliberately hurt you.  They know what cuts the deepest and the fact that they would use that against you, take the cheap shots - it is beyond words.  I promised myself over the past 7 years that I would not let other people make me feel inferior, and I would not force myself where I am unwanted.  I also have learned when people show you who they really are, believe them.  When they berate you, rubbing salt on the wounds they inflicted - that is the real them.  Walking away from that friendship meant I lost several other people through association.  Even though that was February I still struggle with the loss of them all, but i have too much respect for myself, and have worked to hard to find that respect, to let anyone treat me the way I was treated.  People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime and the season turned on these particular friendships.

It’s hard for me to discuss my parents, especially since my mother took my dad back.  I have a hard time looking at him and not seeing the woman he had an affair with for 5 years.  Every time I see a picture of myself with my hair dyed red I am reminded that she was a redhead, and because of that, I don’t know if I can ever be a redhead again.  I will never understand why my mother stayed.  They haven’t been happy in a very long time, well before the affair.  My dad is a selfish person, and at 59 years old there is very little chance that will change.  Even as an adult, hearing the fights, seeing my mom in tears, watching her burn her wedding dress, it was like I was living a nightmare that I couldn’t stop.  Everything about my family was changing forever, and I couldn’t do anything to stop it.  Now that she has taken him back, they do things they have never done before, like hold hands the entire time they are in the car together.  I don’t trust it, because I don’t trust him.  I want more for my mom than this.  I want for her what she raised me to believe I deserve.  But it’s not my decision.  Now I go home for holidays to a new house that my mother bought when she was planning to divorce my dad.  I listen to my dad say how thankful we are to be together, but I remember that terrible things that were said just 7 short months ago.  Now my family feels like a big lie, even if we are all just lying to each other or ourselves.

The great light in this year has been Lucy.  That little fur ball has brought be joy and given me something to be excited to go home to.  With every meow and snuggle, I love her a little more.  I don’t care if I have eliminated 20% of my male dating population (direct quote from our company's president).  She greets me at the door every day, making my life feel a little more special.  I have leaned in to the crazy cat lady thing.  I even made Lucy her own Instagram (@lucykittenadventures).  I mean do you know how much some of those instagram pets make their owners a year?!?! Besides she is just too cute not to share with the world, but I am her mom soooo.  In all seriousness, the added responsibility of keeping another living thing alive has also been good for me.  I have to think about her before I can plan a trip or stay out all night.  She has helped me shed a few more of those young habits and adult a little bit more.  So what if everything I own in covered in cat hair now.

All of that before my 30th birthday?  Ok 2017, you couldn’t give me a break?  Leading up to my 30th birthday I was not taking the idea of my 30s very well.  I put so much pressure on a party and a big outing and trying to make this “milestone” special.  I know now I was just trying to control something since I couldn’t make time stand still.  I was so worried about all the things I had planned to do by 30 instead of thinking about all the amazing things I had done.  When the day came it was just another day, and I didn’t feel any different.  As I have settled into 30, I do find myself just a little more comfortable in my skin.  I have tried to shed the whole idea of “suppose to” and am looking at what I want to do.  I am determined to live my best life.  I am going to be a Harry Potter and Doctor Who fangirl, a crazy cat lady with more nail polish than some salons, and a tv addict who might require rehab.

With 2018 rolling in, I look forward to what it will hold.  I have so many adventures planned and celebrations to attend.  I am going to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter Celebration in Orlando, where I am going to dress up in costumes and nerd out for 3 days of Harry Potter excitement!  This year I will take the time to see friends, and build on the amazing relationships I already have in my life.  I am sure 2018 has some curves up its sleeve, but after 2017, I think I am ready for anything.

2016: The Year of Harper

How I ended 2015, and how I have started 2016 feel like opposites.  Although I had an amazing New Years Eve with my single girl-friends, there was a part of me that was deeply sad.  We got dressed up, went to an amazing long dinner, and spent midnight watch the ball drop drinking champagne and playing Cards Against Humanity. But I guess there was a part of me that couldn’t get Christmas Eve out of my mind.  

Christmas Eve is supposed to be a joyous night, and it started off that way.  I shouldn’t have gone out to the bar with my brother after our family dinner.  I should have stayed in and watched Hallmark Movies with my mom, in the safe spot on the couch in my childhood home.  Instead, I went to the same dive bar I used to sneak into before I was 21, hoping to see old friends and let nostalgia comfort me.  Instead I encountered judgement and an icy reception from people who never left our small town.  So I drank more than I probably should have.  With that, the feels I had been pushing down for months came bubbling to the surface.  

See, in 2015 I kissed one person, just one.  I walked away from him, let’s call him M, because I cared more than he did.  He started it, he kissed me, but the hard part is he didn’t really mean it.  M wanted someone who was ok with being an afterthought in his life, and all I want is someone that wants to make me, and our relationship, a priority.  I tried to stay away, not to flirt when we were at the same parties, but for some reason I just seemed to like him more.  The more I tried not to care the more I seemed to.  His face, his weird laugh, they just made my heart flutter despite myself.  I knew our lives were in very different places, but there was just this part of me that could see what it would be like down the road when things fell into place.  That is probably why the night I accepted my new job he was who I wanted to spend it with; although I told myself it was because I just didn’t want to be alone, that the moment was too big to not share it.  

When I showed up to a Halloween party a month later and saw him kissing his new girlfriend, I fell apart.  I always thought the reason we weren’t together was because he didn’t want to commit to anyone.  Apparently he just didn’t want to commit to me.  I cried myself to sleep that night.  I allowed myself to be sad for one day and then pushed it all deep down, pretending that it didn’t matter, that he didn’t matter to me.  It was easy enough to keep my emotions in check, I have a lot of practice at it.  That is, until he texted me the week before Christmas.

I had been very cold with M every time he texted, hoping that playing hard to get would make him want more from me.  The problem is it just made me miss him more.  That is exactly what I was feeling on Christmas Eve, add wine and you get a text that never should have been sent.  “I miss you.”  Something about me felt desperate to know if he felt anything for me.  I couldn't start another year waiting around on him, hoping he would wake up and realize he wanted to be with me.  His response was not what I hoped for.  He “is all over the map” and doesn’t know what he wants.  I, in true Harper fashion, felt like I had to lay it all out on the table, like it would make a difference to send some romcom declaration.  I told him, “ I want someone who really cares about me and wants to be a part of my life.  If that isn’t you then I will move on.  But know that this is it with me.  This is me giving you another shot before I move on.  But for the record I have always wished it was you.”         

This lead to the 2 shots of Fireball, and making my brother take me home.  We fought in the car about how I pick jerks, and he doesn’t understand why I fall so hard.  The irony is on the walk from the car to my front steps I did fall hard, flat on my face.  Bleeding and bawling like a baby, I sat in my mom’s bathroom telling her I didn’t understand why he didn’t love me while she doctored my scrapes.  I said something out loud in that I hadn’t fully realized until that moment.  I just don’t know how many times I can keep starting over like this.  I don’t know what is left of my heart, it has just been broken so many times.  

When M said he thought we should talk about my feelings in person a few days later, I was too proud to take the opportunity.  I told him I didn’t think it was necessary.  Maybe that was a mistake, but in that moment I just couldn’t sit in front of another man while they told me it was them not me or whatever version of that conversation he planned on having with me.     

As the ball dropped and 2015 officially ended I couldn’t help but wonder who M was kissing at midnight.  Although I was in a room with 3 of my very best friends, doing the things we love to do, I wasn’t completely there.  I was deep within myself trying to both mourn what will never be and heal my own heart.   

At Chloe’s famous New Year’s Brunch on the 2nd, on hour 9 or 10 of drinking I texted one more time.  Then said sorry I shouldn’t be texting.  Having a man tell you to do what is best for you, and “you are a pretty girl”  somehow makes it all sting worse.  Like being pretty is a consolation prize for someone rejecting your heart.  Crying in Chloe’s bathroom I felt like such a fool.  I decided in that moment that in 2016 I didn’t want to be foolish anymore.  

So here we are 15 days into 2016, and so far it is going pretty well.  I got a raise.  I have found a new 1 bedroom apartment in the most adorable building on Capitol Hill..  I joined Weight Watchers, and have already lost 8 pounds.  Couch to 5k is kicking my ass, but I haven’t given up yet.  2016 is going to be the year of Harper.  I am going to get healthy and feel good about my body.  Instead of working to find a boyfriend, I am going to focus on my job.  The opportunity I have with my new job is amazing, and I want to make sure I make the most of it.  

Of course my heart is still hurting, but instead of letting it bleed into every part of my life, I am trying to leave it in 2015.  I am looking at what I had with M as personal progress.  I spent 2015 trying to make things work with one person instead of running around kissing anyone who would kiss back.  M didn’t have a girlfriend, and he wasn’t ruthless with me.  Just because things didn’t work with us doesn’t mean he isn’t a good man.  With time, my heart will heal, but I don’t plan on giving it to anyone anytime soon.  2016 isn’t about love for me, at least not romantic love.  2016 is about loving the things I already have, the people that already make my life so full.  I might have ended 2015 heartbroken, but I am starting 2016 full of hope and love.        

Goodbye 2013 ...

2013, what a tricky lady you turned out to be.  You always kept me guessing, full of beautiful beginnings, tragic endings, and all different forms of the in-betweens. I am not sad to see you go.  I am ready for what 2014 will hold for me, but I would like to look back at what bumps, bruises, and blessings 2013 left me with.  

January brought a new job, a new apartment, and the loss of an old friend.  As exciting as changing career paths was, it was also terrifying!  Looking back, I am very happy with the decision and don’t know that I could be happier doing anything else.  I also love my studio and living alone.  It is my little corner of the world where I can tuck away, let my hair down (or in my case, put it up), and not have to worry about anyone but myself.  Losing J was hard.  I don’t know that I will ever understand why he took his own life.  I felt so much all at once: angry, confused, guilty, numb, destroyed.  I miss him!  I will forever be, in his words, “His fag hag!”

For my 3rd year in DC 2013 actually held a lot of firsts!  First time to go to Vegas, Taste of the South, and Gold Cup; first group trip I ever planned; first joint birthday party; first trip to Miss America.  I feel like I really started living in 2013, more than just going out to the bar (which I did do a lot!), but doing the things that I kept putting off, having real adventures!

I let go of someone I loved and discovered my true feelings for someone else in my life.  I know you all are probably tired of reading about D, and honestly, I am tired of writing about him, but it wouldn’t be a recap of my life in 2013 without mentioning him, what I put myself though b/c of him this year.  

Walking away from D is at the top of the lists of the best things I have ever done for myself, and the hardest things I have ever done.  I think if you love someone, truly love them, you never really stop loving them.  There just comes a point when love isn’t enough to keep you anymore, love doesn’t take away the hurt and lies, or dry the tears.  D hurt me, more than I will ever be able to put into words really.  I have tried so many times to say that he didn’t crush me, not completely, but I don’t know if that is necessarily true.  I think I allowed him to stifle my spark.  In my need to feel special, I allowed him to drain me of everything spectacular about me.  I think my last words to him might be the most perfect words I have ever spoken in a moment, “I want you to be happy, but I want me to be happy more.  You no longer contribute to my happiness.”  I am still angry at him, and I know I probably will be for a long time.  I think more than anything I am angry at myself for letting it go on for so long, and for getting so out of hand.  I let my feelings for him blind me from so many things.  I am glad I took off my rose colored glasses and see him and our former relationship for what it really was.  What it is now is finally over.  It is the past, and I am resolved to leave it there.  

I mentioned that I discovered my true feelings for someone else, and I am only going to touch on this briefly.  This is a part of my life I want to keep to myself, it is more real than anything else I have ever felt and very private.  It is funny how some things sneak up on you though.  They develop, grow, take hold of you without you even realizing it.  They are real, deep, and a part of you.  Loving some people is as natural as breathing.  It doesn’t hurt, their love doesn’t cripple you, it just becomes part of who you are.  These feelings are also inconvenient, inopportune, and even inappropriate.  You can try to put them back in the box deep inside of you from where they came, you can try.  I am trying.  Maybe I missed my moment in time with this person, maybe it is yet to come, but maybe it never will.  

 

2013 you have been a hard year, a great year, but difficult nonetheless.  As I bid farewell, I am starting 2014 with a heart that is at peace.  Instead of looking at my imperfections, I am focusing on what I want out of my life, and what I need to do to get it.  I, through therapy, am finding an inner strength that I never knew I could posses.  I feel hopeful and open to a world of possibilities.  2014, show me what you’ve got!    

New Year ... So Much New

Hello 2013!  I hope you bring great happiness and wonderful adventures.  2012 was full of twists and turns, heartbreak and hope, laughter and tears.  I know, I am a little late to the game to post in 2013.  Things have been a bit crazy so far.

There is almost an overwhelming amount of new in this new year.  New job, new apartment, new haircut, new boys, just so much new!  It has been a whirlwind!  I am just trying to wrap my head around all the changes.  So let’s start from the beginning.

New Year’s Eve I put on a sparkly dress and went with Katie to a house party.  (Stefan did not include me in his plans.)  This  house was incredible - they even had a DJ.  Champagne, drinking games, and a hot dance floor made the minutes until midnight a blast.  I had a lovely midnight kiss from the smoking hot host.  Unfortunately, Hottie Host had to get back to his hosting duties, and I was left to my own devices.  We all know that can be dangerous!  While Katie and I were burning up the dance floor, I was taking a boy inventory.  There was this one guy that caught my eye with his great smile and Mr. Rogers sweater.  I shook my curvy ass over there and asked Ryker to dance.  After steaming up the dance floor, we made our way to the porch to cool down.  

How a boy kisses you for the first time says a lot about him.  I like it when a guy reads the signals correctly and just goes for it.  Ryker was on the right page for sure.  As we were talking rather close he slipped his arm around my waist, pulled me in, and pressed his lips against mine.  I was hooked as we melted into each other. We spent the rest of the party making out like teenagers on the back porch, oblivious to the fact that the party was clearing out inside.  At the end of the night, Katie and I left our boys-of-the-night behind, but not before Ryker got my number.  He didn’t wait long to use it either.  His text saying he wished he was still kissing me made my first dreams of 2013 euphoric.  

So, 2013 started off with a little romance and that gave me hope.  As everything seems to be changing in my life, I am excited for the possibilities.  I ended 2012 a complete mess, but as 2013 kicks off I am putting my life back together.  I am starting down a new career path, I have moved into my own little shoebox of a studio, and I am doing my best to leave the ghosts of 2012 where they belong, in the past.