2013, what a tricky lady you turned out to be. You always kept me guessing, full of beautiful beginnings, tragic endings, and all different forms of the in-betweens. I am not sad to see you go. I am ready for what 2014 will hold for me, but I would like to look back at what bumps, bruises, and blessings 2013 left me with.
January brought a new job, a new apartment, and the loss of an old friend. As exciting as changing career paths was, it was also terrifying! Looking back, I am very happy with the decision and don’t know that I could be happier doing anything else. I also love my studio and living alone. It is my little corner of the world where I can tuck away, let my hair down (or in my case, put it up), and not have to worry about anyone but myself. Losing J was hard. I don’t know that I will ever understand why he took his own life. I felt so much all at once: angry, confused, guilty, numb, destroyed. I miss him! I will forever be, in his words, “His fag hag!”
For my 3rd year in DC 2013 actually held a lot of firsts! First time to go to Vegas, Taste of the South, and Gold Cup; first group trip I ever planned; first joint birthday party; first trip to Miss America. I feel like I really started living in 2013, more than just going out to the bar (which I did do a lot!), but doing the things that I kept putting off, having real adventures!
I let go of someone I loved and discovered my true feelings for someone else in my life. I know you all are probably tired of reading about D, and honestly, I am tired of writing about him, but it wouldn’t be a recap of my life in 2013 without mentioning him, what I put myself though b/c of him this year.
Walking away from D is at the top of the lists of the best things I have ever done for myself, and the hardest things I have ever done. I think if you love someone, truly love them, you never really stop loving them. There just comes a point when love isn’t enough to keep you anymore, love doesn’t take away the hurt and lies, or dry the tears. D hurt me, more than I will ever be able to put into words really. I have tried so many times to say that he didn’t crush me, not completely, but I don’t know if that is necessarily true. I think I allowed him to stifle my spark. In my need to feel special, I allowed him to drain me of everything spectacular about me. I think my last words to him might be the most perfect words I have ever spoken in a moment, “I want you to be happy, but I want me to be happy more. You no longer contribute to my happiness.” I am still angry at him, and I know I probably will be for a long time. I think more than anything I am angry at myself for letting it go on for so long, and for getting so out of hand. I let my feelings for him blind me from so many things. I am glad I took off my rose colored glasses and see him and our former relationship for what it really was. What it is now is finally over. It is the past, and I am resolved to leave it there.
I mentioned that I discovered my true feelings for someone else, and I am only going to touch on this briefly. This is a part of my life I want to keep to myself, it is more real than anything else I have ever felt and very private. It is funny how some things sneak up on you though. They develop, grow, take hold of you without you even realizing it. They are real, deep, and a part of you. Loving some people is as natural as breathing. It doesn’t hurt, their love doesn’t cripple you, it just becomes part of who you are. These feelings are also inconvenient, inopportune, and even inappropriate. You can try to put them back in the box deep inside of you from where they came, you can try. I am trying. Maybe I missed my moment in time with this person, maybe it is yet to come, but maybe it never will.
2013 you have been a hard year, a great year, but difficult nonetheless. As I bid farewell, I am starting 2014 with a heart that is at peace. Instead of looking at my imperfections, I am focusing on what I want out of my life, and what I need to do to get it. I, through therapy, am finding an inner strength that I never knew I could posses. I feel hopeful and open to a world of possibilities. 2014, show me what you’ve got!
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