Crossing the Pond

Tomorrow Chloe and I will embark on our UK adventure!  We have been planning our trip to London for the past 6 months, and I am ecstatic it is finally here.  We of course will be spending some time with Teddy, and hopefully the hot British friends he has made.  I can not wait to take in the palaces, gardens, and parks that I have been dreaming about for as long as I can remember.  This trip is a dream come true and I am so glad that I get to experience it with my best friend, Chloe.    

I can not wait to tell you all about our adventures when we return!  So prepare yourself for tales of the glories of London, and the many cute British accents that I am bound to fall in love with along the way!  

2014

I know we are a few weeks into 2014, but it is never too late to tell you about my New Years Eve, New Years resolutions, and my outlook on 2014.  

I could not have dreamt up a better way to start 2014.  Ok maybe there could have been a few slight improvements, like a New Years kiss, but seriously, my New Years Eve was practically perfect!

Elle, Hadley, my new and wonderful friend Layson, and I got all dolled up in sequins and headed to a wonderful four course meal at Lavanga.  The food was spectacular, and the company superb!  We laughed, stuffed our faces, and mocked the 60 year-old women with cleavage for days.  After our delicious meal we snuck into a private, open bar party at our favorite bar.  We made friends, got boys to buy us shots, hung out with all our favorite bartenders, and overall had an amazing time!  We could not have planned a more perfect night with friends.  Hadley kept finding boys willing to give up their party hats until we all had one.  

I want 2014 to be the year of Harper.  I plan to do things that I like, things that make me happy, and things that better me.  So, here are some promises I have made or goals I have set for myself.

- Read 52 books this year.  That is a book a week.  I spend an hour on the metro everyday, and have started reading during my lunch hour.  There is no reason why I can’t find the time to read a book a week.  

- Lose weight.  I know what you are thinking.  This is every typical woman’s resolution.  What makes this different than years before is why I want to.  I want to feel good about myself.  I don’t want to lose weight to win some boy, I want to do it to like the way I look in clothes.  I know there is nothing wrong with being a 14/16, but I would like to be able to go into any store in a mall and find something that fits me nicely.  I have started Weight Watchers, and have already lost 5lbs.   

- Spend my money on big moments instead of nights at the bar.  I would rather save up so I can have the memories of something like Taste of the South than spend all my money at my neighborhood bar doing the same thing every week.  I am too young to give up on living.

- Leave the past in the past.  I have to stop carrying around all my past heartbreak and let myself move on.  As long as I hold onto the past I will never be able to have a future.

-  Be confident in my own decisions.  I need to make decisions and not second guess them.  

- Spend time with true friends.  I want to continue to develop my friendships with the people that are always there for me.  It isn’t the quantity of friends you have, it is the quality of your friendships that matter.

- Have fun!

The year of Harper has so many other goals and objectives, but no need to bore you with them all.  I am really looking forward to what 2014 has to offer.  The best part of the New Year is the idea that you can start fresh, eliminate bad habits, learn from your mistakes - with that comes the ability to change..  So, even though this is a few weeks late, I hope you also have plans for yourself in 2014.  If not, it is never too late!   

Goodbye 2013 ...

2013, what a tricky lady you turned out to be.  You always kept me guessing, full of beautiful beginnings, tragic endings, and all different forms of the in-betweens. I am not sad to see you go.  I am ready for what 2014 will hold for me, but I would like to look back at what bumps, bruises, and blessings 2013 left me with.  

January brought a new job, a new apartment, and the loss of an old friend.  As exciting as changing career paths was, it was also terrifying!  Looking back, I am very happy with the decision and don’t know that I could be happier doing anything else.  I also love my studio and living alone.  It is my little corner of the world where I can tuck away, let my hair down (or in my case, put it up), and not have to worry about anyone but myself.  Losing J was hard.  I don’t know that I will ever understand why he took his own life.  I felt so much all at once: angry, confused, guilty, numb, destroyed.  I miss him!  I will forever be, in his words, “His fag hag!”

For my 3rd year in DC 2013 actually held a lot of firsts!  First time to go to Vegas, Taste of the South, and Gold Cup; first group trip I ever planned; first joint birthday party; first trip to Miss America.  I feel like I really started living in 2013, more than just going out to the bar (which I did do a lot!), but doing the things that I kept putting off, having real adventures!

I let go of someone I loved and discovered my true feelings for someone else in my life.  I know you all are probably tired of reading about D, and honestly, I am tired of writing about him, but it wouldn’t be a recap of my life in 2013 without mentioning him, what I put myself though b/c of him this year.  

Walking away from D is at the top of the lists of the best things I have ever done for myself, and the hardest things I have ever done.  I think if you love someone, truly love them, you never really stop loving them.  There just comes a point when love isn’t enough to keep you anymore, love doesn’t take away the hurt and lies, or dry the tears.  D hurt me, more than I will ever be able to put into words really.  I have tried so many times to say that he didn’t crush me, not completely, but I don’t know if that is necessarily true.  I think I allowed him to stifle my spark.  In my need to feel special, I allowed him to drain me of everything spectacular about me.  I think my last words to him might be the most perfect words I have ever spoken in a moment, “I want you to be happy, but I want me to be happy more.  You no longer contribute to my happiness.”  I am still angry at him, and I know I probably will be for a long time.  I think more than anything I am angry at myself for letting it go on for so long, and for getting so out of hand.  I let my feelings for him blind me from so many things.  I am glad I took off my rose colored glasses and see him and our former relationship for what it really was.  What it is now is finally over.  It is the past, and I am resolved to leave it there.  

I mentioned that I discovered my true feelings for someone else, and I am only going to touch on this briefly.  This is a part of my life I want to keep to myself, it is more real than anything else I have ever felt and very private.  It is funny how some things sneak up on you though.  They develop, grow, take hold of you without you even realizing it.  They are real, deep, and a part of you.  Loving some people is as natural as breathing.  It doesn’t hurt, their love doesn’t cripple you, it just becomes part of who you are.  These feelings are also inconvenient, inopportune, and even inappropriate.  You can try to put them back in the box deep inside of you from where they came, you can try.  I am trying.  Maybe I missed my moment in time with this person, maybe it is yet to come, but maybe it never will.  

 

2013 you have been a hard year, a great year, but difficult nonetheless.  As I bid farewell, I am starting 2014 with a heart that is at peace.  Instead of looking at my imperfections, I am focusing on what I want out of my life, and what I need to do to get it.  I, through therapy, am finding an inner strength that I never knew I could posses.  I feel hopeful and open to a world of possibilities.  2014, show me what you’ve got!    

Young, Wild, and Free

As summer approaches and the air gets warmer I find myself more likely to take risks. To let go of my inhibitions and accept the fact that although I am not 21 anymore I am still young, I can still be wild, and I am free.  I can flirt with a 22 year old if I want to.  I can close the neighborhood bar with my friends on the weekends and not feel bad.  I can drink beer in peoples backyards and enjoy the beautiful weather.    

For the first time in a long time I don’t feel the pressures of getting older weighing heavily on me.  I don’t feel the pressure to get married looming over my head.  I feel like it is ok to be 25 (almost 26) and not settled down.  Don’t get me wrong, I am an adult with a great job and a clean, well kept apartment.  I just now know that I don’t have to be sad that I haven’t found my soulmate.  That it is ok to look forward to beach trips that will revel college spring breaks; spiked watermelons and boozey popsicles: and Sunday-fun-days with the “Family.”

With Memorial Day, the unofficial start of summer, passed us I have decided to make my summer check list.  These are the things I want to do or should do, because it is too soon to give up on being fun.

 

• Make a Flabongo … don’t know what that is? Let me show you!

 

• Get a wonderful golden tan!
• Enjoy wonderful Boozy Watermelons every chance I get!

• Make tons of Summer Play List for all different reasons: Beach Mix, Dance Mix, Backyard Mix, Pool Mix, Bar Mix … I want all the music!
• Grill out as much as possible and grill everything!  Whole meals from the Grill!
  
• Have a summer fling!  I mean a fun, care-free romance with someone that will never make it once the rays of summer fade.  I want something exciting, simple, and great while it lasts.  
• Go on lots of adventures …. anything from White Water Rafting, tubing down a river, hiking (not likely), and I don’t know just ADVENTURES!!!!
• Do a power hour with my friends!  I haven’t done one of these since college, but what says young and wild like this crazy drinking game?  (we won’t discuss the Hangovers and how not young they make me feel afterwards)
• Make lasting memories!  I want this summer to be one for the record books, one that I will tell my kids about someday (when they are like 30).  

Let the epic summer begin!  It is time for me to stop acting like my life is already over, and start living it!