There is a very important person in my life that has yet to be mentioned here. I feel a little guilty that one of my greatest sounding boards and very best friends has been left out for so long.
Connor and I have known eachother since we were 14 years old. We aren’t from the same home town, but we did partake in the same dorky statewide youth and government program. We ended up at the same SEC school and would hang out in spurts over the 4 years we were there. We became truly close when we both ended up in DC, he for Grad school and me for following my political aspirations. I even lived with Connor for two weeks while trying to get things in order for my big move.
Now, I can’t imagine my life without Connor. I can count on him for anything. From a set of eyes on my newest story to a set of hands when I’m moving, he is always there when I need him. Whether he knows it or not he is my rock. Just knowing that he is a text, gchat, or cab ride away, makes home not seem so far and losing myself seem impossible. Connor sees me in a way that I often wish I could see myself. He doesn’t judge me for my often terrible decisions or my neurotic tendencies, loves me because of them. In his own words I am, “the most wonderful modern woman I [Connor] have the pleasure of knowing!” He saves me from my own self doubt.
Some of my favorite nights in DC include Connor. Whether he is saving me from Mason Inn, helping me close down Molly Malone’s, or drinking wine with me on the couch, I know the night will be memorable. We have the ideal girl/ guy friendship. We can talk about anything under the sun. No topic is off limits. We are enough alike, yet very different, so it is never boring. And most importantly there is no awkward sexual tension between us. If we were ever going to get together it would have happened a long time ago. Like on the bus to Spring Formal freshman year of college, or when I lived and shared a bathroom with him for two weeks. It is so refreshing to be able to genuinely care about a member of the opposite sex without any pretenses or worries.
We have a pact. If we are both still single at 35 then we will get married. We would have beautiful blue eyed babies and throw amazing parties. My mother would love nothing more. We would just have to get really drunk to have sex for the first time. In all reality I could not marry someone that doesn’t get along with Connor. He’ll be Uncle Connor to my kids someday.
I think sometimes we take for granted the friendships that come easily, the ones without the drama, the ones that don’t have to be worked at. These are the truly great friendships of our lives. No matter how much time has passed since the last time you spoke you pick up right where you left off, and you never ever stop caring about one another.
To Connor, my unsuspecting rock and best friend. Thank you for supporting my neurotic tendencies and always being my partner in crime. You are the definition of a modern gentleman and truly a catch. Never stop being you!
Friday, January 18, 2013
Monday, January 14, 2013
New Year ... So Much New
Hello 2013! I hope you bring great happiness and wonderful adventures. 2012 was full of twists and turns, heartbreak and hope, laughter and tears. I know, I am a little late to the game to post in 2013. Things have been a bit crazy so far.
There is almost an overwhelming amount of new in this new year. New job, new apartment, new haircut, new boys, just so much new! It has been a whirlwind! I am just trying to wrap my head around all the changes. So let’s start from the beginning.
New Year’s Eve I put on a sparkly dress and went with Katie to a house party. (Stefan did not include me in his plans.) This house was incredible - they even had a DJ. Champagne, drinking games, and a hot dance floor made the minutes until midnight a blast. I had a lovely midnight kiss from the smoking hot host. Unfortunately, Hottie Host had to get back to his hosting duties, and I was left to my own devices. We all know that can be dangerous! While Katie and I were burning up the dance floor, I was taking a boy inventory. There was this one guy that caught my eye with his great smile and Mr. Rogers sweater. I shook my curvy ass over there and asked Ryker to dance. After steaming up the dance floor, we made our way to the porch to cool down.
How a boy kisses you for the first time says a lot about him. I like it when a guy reads the signals correctly and just goes for it. Ryker was on the right page for sure. As we were talking rather close he slipped his arm around my waist, pulled me in, and pressed his lips against mine. I was hooked as we melted into each other. We spent the rest of the party making out like teenagers on the back porch, oblivious to the fact that the party was clearing out inside. At the end of the night, Katie and I left our boys-of-the-night behind, but not before Ryker got my number. He didn’t wait long to use it either. His text saying he wished he was still kissing me made my first dreams of 2013 euphoric.
So, 2013 started off with a little romance and that gave me hope. As everything seems to be changing in my life, I am excited for the possibilities. I ended 2012 a complete mess, but as 2013 kicks off I am putting my life back together. I am starting down a new career path, I have moved into my own little shoebox of a studio, and I am doing my best to leave the ghosts of 2012 where they belong, in the past.
There is almost an overwhelming amount of new in this new year. New job, new apartment, new haircut, new boys, just so much new! It has been a whirlwind! I am just trying to wrap my head around all the changes. So let’s start from the beginning.
New Year’s Eve I put on a sparkly dress and went with Katie to a house party. (Stefan did not include me in his plans.) This house was incredible - they even had a DJ. Champagne, drinking games, and a hot dance floor made the minutes until midnight a blast. I had a lovely midnight kiss from the smoking hot host. Unfortunately, Hottie Host had to get back to his hosting duties, and I was left to my own devices. We all know that can be dangerous! While Katie and I were burning up the dance floor, I was taking a boy inventory. There was this one guy that caught my eye with his great smile and Mr. Rogers sweater. I shook my curvy ass over there and asked Ryker to dance. After steaming up the dance floor, we made our way to the porch to cool down.
How a boy kisses you for the first time says a lot about him. I like it when a guy reads the signals correctly and just goes for it. Ryker was on the right page for sure. As we were talking rather close he slipped his arm around my waist, pulled me in, and pressed his lips against mine. I was hooked as we melted into each other. We spent the rest of the party making out like teenagers on the back porch, oblivious to the fact that the party was clearing out inside. At the end of the night, Katie and I left our boys-of-the-night behind, but not before Ryker got my number. He didn’t wait long to use it either. His text saying he wished he was still kissing me made my first dreams of 2013 euphoric.
So, 2013 started off with a little romance and that gave me hope. As everything seems to be changing in my life, I am excited for the possibilities. I ended 2012 a complete mess, but as 2013 kicks off I am putting my life back together. I am starting down a new career path, I have moved into my own little shoebox of a studio, and I am doing my best to leave the ghosts of 2012 where they belong, in the past.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Moving On
I think Stefan and I are working out after all. I know what you may be thinking - I just told someone else I loved them, and that is supposed to mean something. It does, but it can’t.
When Stefan texted and asked for a last minute drink date the night after I said the L word, I went. I went because, even though what Stefan and I have is not perfect, it is a step in the right direction. When we are together, we act like a couple. He makes me laugh, he pays attention, and he gives me that giddy feeling in the pit of my stomach. Those few hours we hung out that night made me realize that there is potential for something real between us.
I try not to put all of my eggs in one basket though. My hair stylist called me the next afternoon and asked if she could give a cute client of hers my phone number. I had seen him in the salon before, so I said yes. We met for drinks at one of my regular places, that way, I had backup if needed. He was sweet, but kind of meek. It was nice, but just nice. The whole time I just kept thinking, “I don’t have that feeling”, you know the spark. So, I thanked him for a lovely evening, and that was it.
Betsy and I had our Christmas party, but Stefan couldn’t make it. I really wanted him there, but a few cocktails in, I got flirty with a handsome gentleman that kept making making me martinis. Again, its the whole eggs-in-one-basket thing. I am a flirt, especially when I am in a cocktail dress. I also love a bit of a challenge, and a boy as suave as this particular one was hard for me to resist. So, by the end of the night, I found myself with Mr. Martini under the mistletoe.
Even though I kissed Mr. Martini, I woke up the next day thinking about Stefan. I realize I need to stop chasing things that aren’t attainable, even if I do pull them off sometimes. I keep saying I want to find something real, but I keep setting myself up for heartbreak. I like Stefan, and we have potential, even if we aren’t exclusive. That became more clear when we hung out on Monday. Seeing each other twice in a week is a step in the right direction. I just want to take things slow,and maybe, for the first time in my life, do things right, not get overly excited or clingy. If they don’t work out, then it isn’t meant to be, but I am not shutting myself off to something with real potential, not this time.
I know what you may be thinking, “How could I say the L word to someone, and a week later, now say that I am figuring things out with someone else?” The truth is, I have had feelings for D for a very long time. Things were/ are a mess in my life, and I was projecting. I shouldn’t have said it, and I am not sure I still mean it. I know I meant it once upon a time. Now, whether I have feelings for D still or not, I do have real feelings for Stefan. I am going to let life play out. Knowing me, it won’t be boring.
When Stefan texted and asked for a last minute drink date the night after I said the L word, I went. I went because, even though what Stefan and I have is not perfect, it is a step in the right direction. When we are together, we act like a couple. He makes me laugh, he pays attention, and he gives me that giddy feeling in the pit of my stomach. Those few hours we hung out that night made me realize that there is potential for something real between us.
I try not to put all of my eggs in one basket though. My hair stylist called me the next afternoon and asked if she could give a cute client of hers my phone number. I had seen him in the salon before, so I said yes. We met for drinks at one of my regular places, that way, I had backup if needed. He was sweet, but kind of meek. It was nice, but just nice. The whole time I just kept thinking, “I don’t have that feeling”, you know the spark. So, I thanked him for a lovely evening, and that was it.
Betsy and I had our Christmas party, but Stefan couldn’t make it. I really wanted him there, but a few cocktails in, I got flirty with a handsome gentleman that kept making making me martinis. Again, its the whole eggs-in-one-basket thing. I am a flirt, especially when I am in a cocktail dress. I also love a bit of a challenge, and a boy as suave as this particular one was hard for me to resist. So, by the end of the night, I found myself with Mr. Martini under the mistletoe.
Even though I kissed Mr. Martini, I woke up the next day thinking about Stefan. I realize I need to stop chasing things that aren’t attainable, even if I do pull them off sometimes. I keep saying I want to find something real, but I keep setting myself up for heartbreak. I like Stefan, and we have potential, even if we aren’t exclusive. That became more clear when we hung out on Monday. Seeing each other twice in a week is a step in the right direction. I just want to take things slow,and maybe, for the first time in my life, do things right, not get overly excited or clingy. If they don’t work out, then it isn’t meant to be, but I am not shutting myself off to something with real potential, not this time.
I know what you may be thinking, “How could I say the L word to someone, and a week later, now say that I am figuring things out with someone else?” The truth is, I have had feelings for D for a very long time. Things were/ are a mess in my life, and I was projecting. I shouldn’t have said it, and I am not sure I still mean it. I know I meant it once upon a time. Now, whether I have feelings for D still or not, I do have real feelings for Stefan. I am going to let life play out. Knowing me, it won’t be boring.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
The Truth Hurts
I might have just fucked up my life. I never thought I would say it in words, but I did. I just told a boy with a girlfriend that I loved him, and I just fucked my life up.
I don’t know how to move on from this. I don’t know how to love another, but at the end of the day, I loved him. I lost my job 2 weeks ago. I thought I would recover, but instead I fell apart. Everything seems to be falling apart.
I am so lost after telling the truth, and I never thought about what I would say afterwards. All I had to do was keep pretending, and I couldn’t. Why couldn’t I keep pretending?
I would rather lay on top of the covers and feel the cold that my heart is also feeling. I am breaking again. I know it wasn’t right of me to say it. I know he made his choice months ago, a year ago, but my heart never walked away. No matter how much I told it to, no matter how much my head ventured away, my heart stayed with the situation that could never make it happy, a boy with a girlfriend.
I didn’t love him when he kissed me. I didn’t love him in February when he got jealous and told me so. I can not pinpoint the moment that I started loving him, but somewhere along the way I let myself fall. I realized it for the first time when I thought he was single in July, when I thought I may actually have a shot to see how he really feels about me.
I never meant to say it out loud. It’s all a little hazy. I don’t even know exactly what I said; I just know I shouldn’t have said it. I didn’t want to lose him in my life and that is exactly what I just did. He wants to make our friendship work, but at the end of the day, I don’t know if it ever can. The not-so-simple truth is I do love him. I want to stop. I need to stop. Someone tell me how to stop.
If I could tell him one more thing, it would be that I am so sorry! I am so sorry that I said those words. I wish I could take them back. I wish I could take it all back! I wish we could start all over from the beginning.
I don’t know how to move on from this. I don’t know how to love another, but at the end of the day, I loved him. I lost my job 2 weeks ago. I thought I would recover, but instead I fell apart. Everything seems to be falling apart.
I am so lost after telling the truth, and I never thought about what I would say afterwards. All I had to do was keep pretending, and I couldn’t. Why couldn’t I keep pretending?
I would rather lay on top of the covers and feel the cold that my heart is also feeling. I am breaking again. I know it wasn’t right of me to say it. I know he made his choice months ago, a year ago, but my heart never walked away. No matter how much I told it to, no matter how much my head ventured away, my heart stayed with the situation that could never make it happy, a boy with a girlfriend.
I didn’t love him when he kissed me. I didn’t love him in February when he got jealous and told me so. I can not pinpoint the moment that I started loving him, but somewhere along the way I let myself fall. I realized it for the first time when I thought he was single in July, when I thought I may actually have a shot to see how he really feels about me.
I never meant to say it out loud. It’s all a little hazy. I don’t even know exactly what I said; I just know I shouldn’t have said it. I didn’t want to lose him in my life and that is exactly what I just did. He wants to make our friendship work, but at the end of the day, I don’t know if it ever can. The not-so-simple truth is I do love him. I want to stop. I need to stop. Someone tell me how to stop.
If I could tell him one more thing, it would be that I am so sorry! I am so sorry that I said those words. I wish I could take them back. I wish I could take it all back! I wish we could start all over from the beginning.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Netflix Relationship
I
think I might be in a relationship with my Netflix account. It is
easier to sit on my couch watching rom-coms, TV dramas, and sci-fi
adventures than putting myself out there. I know I will never meet
anyone new this way, but I will also not be able to get hurt. Watching
these shows where the love triangle works out for the protagonist gives
false illusions that one day I will get to be with the person I really
want. On all of these shows, the characters make grand proclamations of
love or loathing. These characters give ultimatums, and the people in
their TV world actually make a choice.
I have become attached to my green quilted blanket and the controller to my Playstation 3 because that is better than being attached to the dream that someone in my life who walked away will decide to come back. It is better than pinning over the gorgeous guy that works down the hall who is not just out of my league, but is playing a completely different sport. I am rebounding from my rebound with the likes of Pacey Witter on Dawson’s Creek, Chuck Bass on Gossip Girl, and George Tucker on Hart of Dixie.
I wish I could say that Stefan broke up with me, but the truth is, I just haven’t heard from him in weeks. When Hurricane Sandy hit he didn’t even check to see if I was okay. I have friends in different parts of the country that checked on me, but the guy that I have been sharing a bed with for 2 months didn’t even ask if I was okay. So, instead of going to the bar and meeting some guy who is going to find me forgettable, I have opted to love the men of television, past and present.
Just knowing that someone could dream up a man like Pacey Witter, a loyal man with a heart of gold who will fight for the woman he loves, gives me hope that there may be someone like him in the world. The idea of a man that dresses like Chuck Bass, and well, frankly loves so deeply that it wrecks him, makes me long for the scheming that it would take to keep him. Finding a true southern gentleman, like George Tucker, who tries his best to do the honorable thing even if it isn’t easy. George Tucker walked away from his childhood sweetheart Lemon, because he realized part of his heart belonged to someone else, and that was not fair to Lemon.
As I lose myself in the television world, I hope to find something that I can’t in my own world. I am not sure if it is peace of mind or of heart, but I am not sure I am finding it. Having a relationship with my Netflix account is really me just hiding. I need to find the courage to start living my life again. One of the things I have always loved most about myself is the strength to continue to put myself out there no matter how many times I have been hurt by people. I feel that strength slipping away from me. I don’t know if I, if my heart, can handle being hurt again. The next time may be the one that truly breaks me. So, for now, I will stick to my couch and my Netflix account.
I have become attached to my green quilted blanket and the controller to my Playstation 3 because that is better than being attached to the dream that someone in my life who walked away will decide to come back. It is better than pinning over the gorgeous guy that works down the hall who is not just out of my league, but is playing a completely different sport. I am rebounding from my rebound with the likes of Pacey Witter on Dawson’s Creek, Chuck Bass on Gossip Girl, and George Tucker on Hart of Dixie.
I wish I could say that Stefan broke up with me, but the truth is, I just haven’t heard from him in weeks. When Hurricane Sandy hit he didn’t even check to see if I was okay. I have friends in different parts of the country that checked on me, but the guy that I have been sharing a bed with for 2 months didn’t even ask if I was okay. So, instead of going to the bar and meeting some guy who is going to find me forgettable, I have opted to love the men of television, past and present.
Just knowing that someone could dream up a man like Pacey Witter, a loyal man with a heart of gold who will fight for the woman he loves, gives me hope that there may be someone like him in the world. The idea of a man that dresses like Chuck Bass, and well, frankly loves so deeply that it wrecks him, makes me long for the scheming that it would take to keep him. Finding a true southern gentleman, like George Tucker, who tries his best to do the honorable thing even if it isn’t easy. George Tucker walked away from his childhood sweetheart Lemon, because he realized part of his heart belonged to someone else, and that was not fair to Lemon.
As I lose myself in the television world, I hope to find something that I can’t in my own world. I am not sure if it is peace of mind or of heart, but I am not sure I am finding it. Having a relationship with my Netflix account is really me just hiding. I need to find the courage to start living my life again. One of the things I have always loved most about myself is the strength to continue to put myself out there no matter how many times I have been hurt by people. I feel that strength slipping away from me. I don’t know if I, if my heart, can handle being hurt again. The next time may be the one that truly breaks me. So, for now, I will stick to my couch and my Netflix account.
Monday, November 12, 2012
Right the First Time
Facebook
is a landmine of engagement and wedding pictures from people from all
stages of my life. On any given day, these pictures can evoke many
different emotions - joy, jealousy, disgust. Am I, a known hopeless
romantic, turning into a cynic?
I get the most frustrated when I see someone my age or a little older getting married for the second time. How did they get not just one , but two people to commit to them? I know I am ignoring that their first marriage didn’t work, but that first person loved them enough to attempt the greatest leap of faith. That counts for something in my book.
I only want to get married once. I want to get it right the first time. I want to know, without a doubt, that the person I marry is the only person I could ever think of waking up to everyday for the rest of forever. I know everyone enters marriage with these same hopes. I do think that some of the people I know have given up on their marriages too easily. They rushed in or fell prey to an ultimatum, and they weren’t ready. They didn’t fight to make it work. Things got hard and they called it quits. Marriage is not for the faint of heart. Sharing your life with another person is one of the most difficult things any of us will ever do. Letting them in to your heart, your mind, and your bathroom is a whole new level of vulnerable.
I am glad I didn’t get married at 22. I am not the same person I was then. It’s not like I had the opportunity to anyway. Nonetheless, I am glad that is not the path that life took me down. I needed to know me to be able to share myself with another human being. My parents got married very young. Although my parents are still happily married, my mother stressed the need to let myself grow up before I chose to spend my life with someone else.
I am not sure how one ends up getting married anyway. I can’t even get a guy to buy me dinner, much less shell out the money for a ring. I know that it is suppose to go something like: girl meets boy, boy asks out girl, boy and girl date for a while, boy buys a ring, and girl says yes. My question is, how do you actually make that happen. How do you get a guy to ask you to dinner? How do you keep them interested?
A guy once told me that I have too much personality to keep a guy interested unless I was sleeping with him. I took great offense to that, but part of me wonders if it is true. Is the reason why I am single the fact that I am too neurotic? I have always said I don’t settle, but the more I look at the men of my past I realize that is all I have ever done. I have settled for fucked up, non-relationship relationships. I have been in love with men who have made it very clear that I will never be their priority, and they will never care about me the way that I deserve.
I want to get it right the first time, but what if marriage is not in the cards for me? What if I am not meant to share my life with someone? I like to think I would make an amazing wife someday. I have a list of reasons why someone should want to marry me:
1) I am a good cook.
2) I am great with kids.
3) Parents love me.
4) I like sports.
5) I am pretty.
This is not exhaustive but hits the key points. Aren’t these the things that men are looking for in a person they want to marry? If not, they should be.
Part of the problem is that every man I have met, who has been the kind of person that I would want to spend the rest of my life with, has never available. I want someone that doesn’t mind that I talk A LOT, in fact, they should actually enjoy it. He should be supportive and encouraging of my writing, and whatever other crazy dream I decide to latch onto. He should love Christmas and family traditions, and want to make some of our own. He must love television or at least put up with my extensive television schedule. I want the small things, the things that are the real make or break points, the things that most people overlook. To me, these are the things that make a marriage last the test of time.
So, I am going to keep waiting to meet that person who is willing to take the greatest leap of faith with me. I will wait as long as it takes because I will get it right the first time.
I get the most frustrated when I see someone my age or a little older getting married for the second time. How did they get not just one , but two people to commit to them? I know I am ignoring that their first marriage didn’t work, but that first person loved them enough to attempt the greatest leap of faith. That counts for something in my book.
I only want to get married once. I want to get it right the first time. I want to know, without a doubt, that the person I marry is the only person I could ever think of waking up to everyday for the rest of forever. I know everyone enters marriage with these same hopes. I do think that some of the people I know have given up on their marriages too easily. They rushed in or fell prey to an ultimatum, and they weren’t ready. They didn’t fight to make it work. Things got hard and they called it quits. Marriage is not for the faint of heart. Sharing your life with another person is one of the most difficult things any of us will ever do. Letting them in to your heart, your mind, and your bathroom is a whole new level of vulnerable.
I am glad I didn’t get married at 22. I am not the same person I was then. It’s not like I had the opportunity to anyway. Nonetheless, I am glad that is not the path that life took me down. I needed to know me to be able to share myself with another human being. My parents got married very young. Although my parents are still happily married, my mother stressed the need to let myself grow up before I chose to spend my life with someone else.
I am not sure how one ends up getting married anyway. I can’t even get a guy to buy me dinner, much less shell out the money for a ring. I know that it is suppose to go something like: girl meets boy, boy asks out girl, boy and girl date for a while, boy buys a ring, and girl says yes. My question is, how do you actually make that happen. How do you get a guy to ask you to dinner? How do you keep them interested?
A guy once told me that I have too much personality to keep a guy interested unless I was sleeping with him. I took great offense to that, but part of me wonders if it is true. Is the reason why I am single the fact that I am too neurotic? I have always said I don’t settle, but the more I look at the men of my past I realize that is all I have ever done. I have settled for fucked up, non-relationship relationships. I have been in love with men who have made it very clear that I will never be their priority, and they will never care about me the way that I deserve.
I want to get it right the first time, but what if marriage is not in the cards for me? What if I am not meant to share my life with someone? I like to think I would make an amazing wife someday. I have a list of reasons why someone should want to marry me:
1) I am a good cook.
2) I am great with kids.
3) Parents love me.
4) I like sports.
5) I am pretty.
This is not exhaustive but hits the key points. Aren’t these the things that men are looking for in a person they want to marry? If not, they should be.
Part of the problem is that every man I have met, who has been the kind of person that I would want to spend the rest of my life with, has never available. I want someone that doesn’t mind that I talk A LOT, in fact, they should actually enjoy it. He should be supportive and encouraging of my writing, and whatever other crazy dream I decide to latch onto. He should love Christmas and family traditions, and want to make some of our own. He must love television or at least put up with my extensive television schedule. I want the small things, the things that are the real make or break points, the things that most people overlook. To me, these are the things that make a marriage last the test of time.
So, I am going to keep waiting to meet that person who is willing to take the greatest leap of faith with me. I will wait as long as it takes because I will get it right the first time.
Friday, October 19, 2012
Writer's Block
The
last few weeks I have been trying to find something to inspire me to
write. I think, more than being uninspired, I have been fighting a war
between my head and my heart. I can’t decide if we spend most of life
trying to let our head catch up with our heart, or the other way around.
I think it depends on the circumstance. My constant battle is that my
head and heart are never on the same page. It makes it very hard to
find happiness when you over think everything new, and your heart won’t
let go of the ghosts of loves past. I let my lost loves and tragic
mistakes haunt me. I am so terrified of making the same mistakes over
again that I twist myself into something unrecognizable, a lackluster
version of myself at times.
Some days, I wake up, and I know exactly who I am, while on others, I still feel like a lost girl chasing fairy tales. I find solace in putting together a stylish outfit, having a glass of wine, or watching a terrible, soapy television show. More than anything, I find my true peace writing this blog. There is something about baring one’s soul to a group of friends and a bunch of complete strangers. Nothing makes me feel more empowered than putting my digits to keys and ending up with something that I am proud to share. It took me a very long time before I showed my writing to anyone. I was petrified of being told I was wasting my time, that what I write is not worth the space it occupies. That is not one of my worries anymore. I believe in my writing, even if it is only being read by my best friends. We should share the things that make us happy. This is what makes writer’s block such a plague.
Even though I tend to write about matters of the heart, I don’t know how to write about my struggle now. Everyday I go back and forth between being smitten and indifference. My heart wants to open itself up to Stefan but my head stops me. I don’t know if I can handle another heartbreak. Besides, I don’t really know if we are on that track. That may be my fault. I don’t want to ruin whatever we are, so I don’t ask, “What we are doing?” I don’t text him, even when I really want to; I don’t want to appear clingy. I just enjoy the time we do spend together. When he is here, when he kisses me hello, it is like all my worries fall away.
I don’t know what to feel because I don’t want to have unrealistic expectations. I don’t know what to write, because I don’t want to put on paper my foolish dreams of potential happiness. The plans I wish I had the courage to make with Stefan just make me that silly girl again. Is it better to be sensible or should we believe in fairy tales?
Some days, I wake up, and I know exactly who I am, while on others, I still feel like a lost girl chasing fairy tales. I find solace in putting together a stylish outfit, having a glass of wine, or watching a terrible, soapy television show. More than anything, I find my true peace writing this blog. There is something about baring one’s soul to a group of friends and a bunch of complete strangers. Nothing makes me feel more empowered than putting my digits to keys and ending up with something that I am proud to share. It took me a very long time before I showed my writing to anyone. I was petrified of being told I was wasting my time, that what I write is not worth the space it occupies. That is not one of my worries anymore. I believe in my writing, even if it is only being read by my best friends. We should share the things that make us happy. This is what makes writer’s block such a plague.
Even though I tend to write about matters of the heart, I don’t know how to write about my struggle now. Everyday I go back and forth between being smitten and indifference. My heart wants to open itself up to Stefan but my head stops me. I don’t know if I can handle another heartbreak. Besides, I don’t really know if we are on that track. That may be my fault. I don’t want to ruin whatever we are, so I don’t ask, “What we are doing?” I don’t text him, even when I really want to; I don’t want to appear clingy. I just enjoy the time we do spend together. When he is here, when he kisses me hello, it is like all my worries fall away.
I don’t know what to feel because I don’t want to have unrealistic expectations. I don’t know what to write, because I don’t want to put on paper my foolish dreams of potential happiness. The plans I wish I had the courage to make with Stefan just make me that silly girl again. Is it better to be sensible or should we believe in fairy tales?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)