What I Should Have Written Instead of Hiding ...

I keep saying I am going to stop going MIA on all of you readers, but then I find myself sitting in front of a blank screen waiting for my fingers to make words.  I wait for the words to flow, to find humor or tragedy in some minute detail of my life.  I look for something to entertain you, warm your hearts, or bring tears to your eyes.  The trouble is I can’t.  

I should have written some great post about the Halloween party I went to despite how huge I felt in my costume.  I should have painted this haze of a picture that involves 2 different boys kissing me that night.  Talked about how I wasn’t really sure I wanted to kiss either of them, but it had been too long and felt too good to stop.  I know I should have talked about the Texas boy creeping closer to me while we talked, leaning in and taking me by surprise when his lips touched mine.  I should have written about my quick escape when I realized we were making out in the middle of the party, and how my neighborhood bar seemed like the perfect haven.  How I saw the signs when buff boy number 2 pulled me into his kiss, and how I didn’t refuse it.  I should have talked about my lack of shame that night.  When boy number 2 walked me home I didn’t let him stay, and I was proud of myself.  I could have invited the boy I didn’t care about up to my bed to end the dry spell, to feel wanted, but I didn’t.  I should have written about that, how it made me feel, how proud I was of myself, how lonely I felt.    

I should have written about my winery adventures with Chloe, Elle, Connor and crew.  I should have written about the wine, the laughs, the cute dogs everywhere.  I should have written about brunch with Hadley, and how it turned into an all day affair.  I should have written about my date and how he split the check, how there was no spark, how it left me feeling lonelier than ever.  

More than anything I should have written about starting therapy.  I should have written about how my breakdown got to be too much for me to bear.  I have been going for two months now, and it is helping me find an inner peace.  I am working on my issues that keep me from being a happy person.  I wanted to tell all of you, even though you probably already know, that I have been drowning in my self-consciousness.  I am learning to be more assertive and to eliminate definitive words like should and must from the way I think about my life (upon my Therapist's Suggestion).   

I should have written about a lot of things, but I just didn’t know if any of you would want to read them.  More than that I think I wanted to hold something for myself after finding out about D.  I have made so many of my deepest darkest moments public, by choice, especially my relationship with D.  I was embarrassed that he could still hurt me, and I just wanted to heal in private.  I have been trying to heal the same way I always do, I guess: kiss some inappropriate boys to prove I can, surround myself with friends, and drinking LOTS of wine.  The only thing different this time was I wasn’t sure I was ready to share it with the world.  

Change is Found in What doesn't Happen too ...

I know I have been MIA so far in 2013.  Life is moving, but I don’t feel like anything is really happening.  That isn’t really true though.  I got promoted to full-time at work.  I literally just got the most perfect job that ever could have been created for me, yet it just didn’t seem like the exciting event that it should have been.  I have begun to realize that it is sometimes not the things that happen, but the things that don’t happen that mean nothing will ever be the same.  

When I started this blog I told all of you about my wonderful group of friends, and how we would send each other hundreds of emails a day.  These girls that I used not be able to go an hour without knowing what they were doing/ thinking/ feeling now don’t email at all.  As we have grown up in the past year, some where along the way we grew apart.  Somehow, it isn’t that they grew apart, but I find myself on the outside.  I don’t know how to put into words how this makes me feel.  I feel inadequate, for a lack of a better word.  This group of girls made me feel, for the first time in my whole, life like I had a real place - like I fit.  Now I feel more like an outsider than I ever have before.  It seems like one part of my life comes together just for another one to fall apart.  

Through this, I have gotten closer to some of my other friends though.  I have more time to spend with Elle and Lisa, who are two of the first people I ever met in DC.  No matter how long it is between the times we hang out, over the years, these girls are always there to pick me up when I am down.  Katie and I have also gotten closer over the past few months.  I may cringe when she says I am like her big sister (only because I try to pretend we are the same age), but I feel a responsibility to look out for her.  I want her to learn from my mistakes.

The one thing I want to write about the most is the one thing I can’t.  You see, I made the decision to give someone the link to the blog, and that means I can’t write anything I wouldn’t want them to read.  Unfortunately, for you readers, that eliminates a lot of things these days.  I will say this, being a friend to someone can sometimes be complicated.  Sometimes your olive branches are taken wrong, and sometimes they just don’t really want your friendship.  When do you decide to give up on someone?  When do the unlimited chances run out?  Because the truth is, even the most forgiving people have their limits, their breaking point.  

I guess my theme of 2013 so far is, when do you fight and when do you let go?  When do you put yourself before needing someone else?  At what point does sacrifice become masochistic?  

I will do my best to post more.  The truth is, everything is better when I write about it.  Although I am not telling you everything, I will give you the song that is my track of the moment.  Maybe it will give y’all a little insight.    Everything Has Changed - Taylor Swift

Writer's Block

The last few weeks I have been trying to find something to inspire me to write.  I think, more than being uninspired, I have been fighting a war between my head and my heart.  I can’t decide if we spend most of life trying to let our head catch up with our heart, or the other way around.  I think it depends on the circumstance.  My constant battle is that my head and heart are never on the same page.  It makes it very hard to find happiness when you over think everything new, and your heart won’t let go of the ghosts of loves past.  I let my lost loves and tragic mistakes haunt me.  I am so terrified of making the same mistakes over again that I twist myself into something unrecognizable, a lackluster version of myself at times.   

Some days, I wake up, and I know exactly who I am, while on others, I still feel like a lost girl chasing fairy tales.  I find solace in putting together a stylish outfit, having a glass of wine, or watching a terrible, soapy television show.  More than anything, I find my true peace writing this blog.  There is something about baring one’s soul to a group of friends and a bunch of complete strangers.  Nothing makes me feel more empowered than putting my digits to keys and ending up with something that I am proud to share.  It took me a very long time before I showed my writing to anyone.  I was petrified of being told I was wasting my time, that what I write is not worth the space it occupies.  That is not one of my worries anymore.  I believe in my writing, even if it is only being read by my best friends.  We should share the things that make us happy.  This is what makes writer’s block such a plague.  

Even though I tend to write about matters of the heart, I don’t know how to write about my struggle now.  Everyday I go back and forth between being smitten and indifference.  My heart wants to open itself up to Stefan but my head stops me.  I don’t know if I can handle another heartbreak.  Besides, I don’t really know if we are on that track.  That may be my fault.  I don’t want to ruin whatever we are, so I don’t ask, “What we are doing?”  I don’t text him, even when I really want to; I don’t want to appear clingy.  I just enjoy the time we do spend together.  When he is here, when he kisses me hello, it is like all my worries fall away.  

I don’t know what to feel because I don’t want to have unrealistic expectations.  I don’t know what to write, because I don’t want to put on paper my foolish dreams of potential happiness.  The plans I wish I had the courage to make with Stefan just make me that silly girl again.  Is it better to be sensible or should we believe in fairy tales?