I keep saying I am going to stop going MIA on all of you readers, but then I find myself sitting in front of a blank screen waiting for my fingers to make words. I wait for the words to flow, to find humor or tragedy in some minute detail of my life. I look for something to entertain you, warm your hearts, or bring tears to your eyes. The trouble is I can’t.
I should have written some great post about the Halloween party I went to despite how huge I felt in my costume. I should have painted this haze of a picture that involves 2 different boys kissing me that night. Talked about how I wasn’t really sure I wanted to kiss either of them, but it had been too long and felt too good to stop. I know I should have talked about the Texas boy creeping closer to me while we talked, leaning in and taking me by surprise when his lips touched mine. I should have written about my quick escape when I realized we were making out in the middle of the party, and how my neighborhood bar seemed like the perfect haven. How I saw the signs when buff boy number 2 pulled me into his kiss, and how I didn’t refuse it. I should have talked about my lack of shame that night. When boy number 2 walked me home I didn’t let him stay, and I was proud of myself. I could have invited the boy I didn’t care about up to my bed to end the dry spell, to feel wanted, but I didn’t. I should have written about that, how it made me feel, how proud I was of myself, how lonely I felt.
I should have written about my winery adventures with Chloe, Elle, Connor and crew. I should have written about the wine, the laughs, the cute dogs everywhere. I should have written about brunch with Hadley, and how it turned into an all day affair. I should have written about my date and how he split the check, how there was no spark, how it left me feeling lonelier than ever.
More than anything I should have written about starting therapy. I should have written about how my breakdown got to be too much for me to bear. I have been going for two months now, and it is helping me find an inner peace. I am working on my issues that keep me from being a happy person. I wanted to tell all of you, even though you probably already know, that I have been drowning in my self-consciousness. I am learning to be more assertive and to eliminate definitive words like should and must from the way I think about my life (upon my Therapist's Suggestion).
I should have written about a lot of things, but I just didn’t know if any of you would want to read them. More than that I think I wanted to hold something for myself after finding out about D. I have made so many of my deepest darkest moments public, by choice, especially my relationship with D. I was embarrassed that he could still hurt me, and I just wanted to heal in private. I have been trying to heal the same way I always do, I guess: kiss some inappropriate boys to prove I can, surround myself with friends, and drinking LOTS of wine. The only thing different this time was I wasn’t sure I was ready to share it with the world.
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