Changes

Putting yourself back together again requires so much work, so many changes.  First you have to break the habit.  Replacing social obligations with something different and self focused.  I replaced my habit, my weakness, with a gym membership.  Hopefully this will make me stronger in every way.  I still don’t know how I feel about being the kind of person that goes to the gym.  I feel overwhelmed, out of place, and invisible.   Except the hurt the next day is the good kind, the kind that remind you that you did something good for yourself.  That is definitely a change.  I will just have to get used to the way these random women strip down in the locker room, how unattractive and sweaty I look when I work out, and the fact that I will not get hot over night.  

I miss my old routine, the people I use to see, my friends and our time together.  I wish I could fast forward to when I am over things and everything can go back to normal.  The thing about making changes though is it is hard to go back to the way things were before.  I am scared that nothing will ever be the same.  

Change means trying new things.  I thought that meant I needed to kiss someone new.  Clear my mind, my boy palate if you will.  I wanted someone to help me remember what it is like to be kissed and to forget everything else.   Last week I had been talking to this sweet guy all night but was taken by surprise that he leaned over and kissed me.  When he kissed me there was that initial excitement, the excitement of having someone else’s lips press against yours.  The rush of someone wanting to be that close to you is overwhelming at first.  

He was an excellent kisser so I hoped that my numbness was just the alcohol. It didn’t matter.  I just wanted someone to push me up against a wall and let me lose myself in them.  I was relieved that I didn’t feel anything and that he didn’t ask for my number.  I don’t want to feel anything for any guy right now.  I don’t want to hurt or crush, just to feel absolutely nothing.  That would be a change for me, to not feel.  

At the end of the day I don’t want to fundamentally change who I am.  I want to make myself better.  I want to wake up everyday and feel confident in my own skin again.  Change is hard, but change is a good thing.  

Diet Frustration

I am always on some sort of diet, or trying to be at least.  I am currently on week 3 of a hard core diet/ workout program. Well, intense for me at least.  I have been working out 3 to 4 times a week.  I am even getting up at 6am to work out before work.  I lost 2lbs after week one and was so excited.  This morning was my weigh-in day.  I was all excited for my number to be lower yet again.  But guess what … I GAINED 2 lbs.  Betsy and Chloe say it is probably muscle because I am working out.  I know muscle is supposed to be good, but I don’t want to GAIN anything.  I want to weigh less!!  I want to, for the first time in a long time, not weigh more than what ever boy I have a crush on!  


This is why I end up giving up on diet and exercise.  I get frustrated that I am doing the right things, and it still doesn’t move the scale.  Then I give up and find myself chubbier than ever.  I just want to yell at Debbie (the fitness instructor on my workout videos) and tell her all her puns about shrinking are lies!  I bet Debbie had lipo when she got her boob job.  And yes she had a boob job from the first video she made to the second!  Come on, Deb, people notice that kind of thing!  


As I watch skinny girls buy their chicken tenders, I marvel at their metabolism.  I’m not giving up on my diet (this time). I’ll eat my salad, my boring, lackluster, salad.  I will get skinny!  I am not trying to pretend that I can get my Size 16 ass into a Size 2.  I just want to be my version of thin.  I don’t want to lose my curves; I just want to improve them.  So, even if I am pissed that I GAINED weight, ok, I will pretend it is muscle. I will wake up tomorrow and work out with Debbie.  I may yell at her when she tells me we are almost there, and there are really 16 reps left, but I will do those 16 reps anyway.  


It’s not about getting skinny for anybody but me.  I want to feel good about shopping and not be limited by size.  So operation #BodyBackIn2012, or #GetABodyIn2012 is underway.  Lets kick this Diet’s ASS!