The Answer is in Me ...

I am back to where I was in August in a lot of ways, going to the gym instead of my weekly social engagement that involves D.  Trying so desperately to get over him, or the very least, not feel the need to say awkward, dramatic things when I am around him.  To be in a room with him and not feel like he is the only boy I want to talk to would be an improvement on life.  

Can you really stop being attracted to someone?  Can you somehow stop finding things they do charming or endearing when they haven’t given you a reason to?  Every boy for whom I’ve had these feelings in the past exited my life on their own accord.  They didn’t give me a choice in the matter.  They either walked away and never looked back, or did something so unforgivable that I would never find them charming again.  For the first time in my life I am trying to walk away from someone before they wreck me, before they can walk away leaving me broken.  I am tired of being broken.   

I already can see the writing on the wall with D.  I always thought, and he even said once, if things were different, we would have been different.  Now things are different, and we were both right.  Things are different, but not the way I had always hoped for.  It turns out I don’t know how to be around D, not really.  I think the fact that we both know how much I care about him looms like a dark cloud, putting a damper on any idea of possibility.  The excitement that was once there is now anxiety.  For the first time, the question of how he feels hangs, suspended with no answer in sight.  I am choosing to make that my answer.  Instead of waiting around for months in hope that he will choose me, just to be devastated, I am moving on.    

I once said that the answer was in someone new.  I was wrong.  The answer isn’t in a boy distraction, though they don’t hurt.  The answer is in myself.  The answer is in why I would want to be someone’s second choice.  Why I find people that don’t pursue me to be so appealing, when I deserve someone that will go out of their way to be with me, is a question I have to ask myself.  The more I limit my interaction with D, the easier it will be for me to realize these things.  At least that is what I am hoping.  

It is week two, and I wonder if he will even notice that I am not there.  Will he feel relieved?  A part of me knows the answer to that question is yes.  What week, if any, will he start to miss my quirky charm?  These things are unproductive to think about, but it is only week two and I am human.  As the weeks pass, and my body gets stronger from the extra gym time, so will my heart.  

Skinny Day

As a perpetually chubby girl, my life is separated into two kinds of days - skinny days and everything else.  A skinny day is the type of day when you wake up and your skirt is looser, you have less backfat in your top, or you just feel more overall comfortable and confident in both your clothes and body.  A skinny day is a day that you actually like seeing your reflection in every mirror that you come across.   Last week I had a wonderful skinny day!  I tried on a skirt that had been a little too tight, and lo and behold, it fit just right.  My waist looked tiny, and even my boss told me I looked very nice.  

Anything can happen on a skinny day! When you feel good, then good things happen to you.  It is the kind of day when you say hello to the cute guy on the metro, or have a stranger buy you a drink.  It’s the kind of day when you make a new friend, kick ass at work, or have a hotty with potential ask for your number.  Life is full of infinite possibilities on a skinny day!    

My parents texted me, and told me, if my boss would let me off work,they would fly me home for Easter, no matter the cost.  My boss approved the time off, and I booked a flight home.  There are times when I miss the South, and most importantly, I miss my family.  My two nieces are growing up too fast.  I miss the familiar one-way streets of my small town, and the people I have known all my life.  Don’t get me wrong, I love DC and all that it has to offer.  I will never move back to my small hometown on the Mississippi River.  As charming and nostalgic as it may be to visit, I have grown beyond what it has to offer as a permanent home.  All the same, I am excited to be there for Easter, and that excitement helped build on an already wonderful skinny day.

My skinny day good fortune did not end there.  In my pursuit for everyday to be a skinny day, I went to Zumba with Lisa.  Lisa turned in her guest pass for a full-fledged membership to the gym, meaning I now have a permanent work out buddy!  My good fortune continuing, I got a $50 dues credit for referring her.  After our kick ass Zumba class, we went to the front desk so Lisa could arrange her free personal trainer session that came with her membership.  The trainer must be in need of clients, because he offered me a free session as well! You have got to love free things!  

A skinny day is the best kind of day.  For me, skinny days seem to be few and far between lately.  I am working to change that though.  Even though my body is nowhere near where I want it, I feel better about myself because I am going to the gym and trying.  Maybe I will never be as small as I was sophomore year of college ever again.  However, that doesn’t mean I can’t look beautiful, healthy, and even a little bit sexy.  

As y’all start your weeks, I wish you lots of skinny days full of confidence and possibility!  

Changes

Putting yourself back together again requires so much work, so many changes.  First you have to break the habit.  Replacing social obligations with something different and self focused.  I replaced my habit, my weakness, with a gym membership.  Hopefully this will make me stronger in every way.  I still don’t know how I feel about being the kind of person that goes to the gym.  I feel overwhelmed, out of place, and invisible.   Except the hurt the next day is the good kind, the kind that remind you that you did something good for yourself.  That is definitely a change.  I will just have to get used to the way these random women strip down in the locker room, how unattractive and sweaty I look when I work out, and the fact that I will not get hot over night.  

I miss my old routine, the people I use to see, my friends and our time together.  I wish I could fast forward to when I am over things and everything can go back to normal.  The thing about making changes though is it is hard to go back to the way things were before.  I am scared that nothing will ever be the same.  

Change means trying new things.  I thought that meant I needed to kiss someone new.  Clear my mind, my boy palate if you will.  I wanted someone to help me remember what it is like to be kissed and to forget everything else.   Last week I had been talking to this sweet guy all night but was taken by surprise that he leaned over and kissed me.  When he kissed me there was that initial excitement, the excitement of having someone else’s lips press against yours.  The rush of someone wanting to be that close to you is overwhelming at first.  

He was an excellent kisser so I hoped that my numbness was just the alcohol. It didn’t matter.  I just wanted someone to push me up against a wall and let me lose myself in them.  I was relieved that I didn’t feel anything and that he didn’t ask for my number.  I don’t want to feel anything for any guy right now.  I don’t want to hurt or crush, just to feel absolutely nothing.  That would be a change for me, to not feel.  

At the end of the day I don’t want to fundamentally change who I am.  I want to make myself better.  I want to wake up everyday and feel confident in my own skin again.  Change is hard, but change is a good thing.