The Break Down

Sometimes no matter how strong we are, no matter how well we are taking something, we just need to break down.  My moment came in the guest bathroom of a large house in Georgetown.  Katie was house sitting and I didn’t want to be alone, so I found myself as a visitor in spectacular house.  I was just about to put on my mascara, listening to Lady Antebellum Radio on Pandora, and it just hit me.  The tears rushed down like a waterfall, crippling me.  I crumbled to the ground from the weight of my heavy heart.  I am not sure why exactly.  I know that everything that happened is for the best, that I get the chance to move on, but that doesn’t mean I don’t hurt.  When someone that you care about so much doesn’t choose to be with you, it’s like you have no air.  

I knew he wouldn’t choose me, that he would have a long time ago if he wanted to.  I guess part of me always held out hope that my life was going to ended up like a movie, where no matter how impossible it is you actually get what you want.  

More than anything I wonder if there is ever going to be anything left of me for someone to love.  When the tears were streaking my makeup I was wondering why men seem to find me so unlovable.  What is it that I am missing?  As I pull myself up with help from the cool marble counter top I realize I have to figure out how to make myself whole again.  

I know that this isn’t something that I can turn to the girls about.  I chose my own path to closure, one I do not regret.  As much as I love and need my friends, I am the only one that can bring me back to life again.  I hate that.  I hate that I do not get to cry into my glass of wine on Chloe’s couch while playing with the cats.  Unfortunately, there are just something you have to do on your own.  

Quarter Life Crisis

I have quarter-of-a-century confusion.  The dreaded day when I truly become in my mid-twenties is just a week away.  My sense of life failure is starting to settle in.  Where I thought I would be at 25, and where I am are worlds apart.  I was supposed to be getting married to an incredible Southern gentleman, have an incredible job, and live in an incredible house.  Sadly, there are times when I feel that there is nothing incredible about my life, besides my incredible friends.

To be a single 25 year-old Southern woman is like being 40 living with 10 cats elsewhere in the country.  People start to wonder why no one seems to wants you.  You start to wonder yourself. I am a little lonely.  At 25 I was supposed to be waking up next to the person I love everyday, not my teddy bear.  (I have no shame in the fact that I still sleep with a Teddy bear.)

Sure, I am not married, or dating anyone.  Sure, my job is not what I thought it would be, and I am looking for a new one.  Sure, my rent is too high, but my apartment is pretty nice.  How could I know at 18 what I would want now?  It’s not that I don’t want all of the things I thought I would have, and just because I don’t have them at 25 doesn’t mean that I won’t find them eventually.  I know that.

There is one aspect that I wish I could change, one of which I am truly ashamed.  I am hung up on someone else's boyfriend.  When it comes to D, I hate that I cannot walk away.  The fact that seeing him makes my heart pound disgusts me.  Knowing that everyday I wish for his relationship to end pains me.  I am 25, and I still want this toy I can’t have.  Even though I know it’s not that black and white, I can’t help but fear that this is why I am alone.  This is why I am lonely.  I am not saying that I think he is the end-all-be-all, but I don’t know if I could ever find that person, if I still have the feelings for D that I have right now.

At 25, my heart was not supposed to break everyday.  

I know turning 25 is not the end of the world, and I should welcome my mid-twenties with grace.  I am sure my party is going to be a blast.  I love my birthday dress.  I have so many things to look forward to.  This year will be different for me, it has to be. 

Sad Panda

Why do I only like men that hurt me?  I seem to only fall for men that friend-zone me, or cheat on their girlfriends with me (without my knowledge), or some other disastrously unhealthy situation.  

Maybe it is because I want to see the best in people.  That, of course, is a good character trait most of the time, but in relationships it only leads to me getting hurt.  Sometimes I think I can fix them, that they will be different with me.  This is just an illusion in my head.  I still find myself crying in bed, never wanting to leave my house again after they break my heart.  

Sometimes I wonder if I will even have much of a heart left for the right guy someday.  Is this why people settle?  They get so tired of the hurt that they just find someone that will never put them through that again.  I can see the appeal in that sometimes.  To have someone to patch the gaping hole in my heart.  

Sometimes I think the loneliness is going to swallow me.  I panic from the crushing pain in my chest.  Behind the smile, I am crying on the inside.  No one is ever going to love me.  I know this is an irrational thought, but I can’t help but think it.  It has been so long since someone loved me back that I don’t even remember what it feels like anymore.  I don’t want lust; I want love.  Lust isn’t real, and it isn’t fulfilling

Is it so bad that I want someone to share my life with?  I want a companion and a confidant.  I want romance.  It’s the simple things that I long for.  Holding hands, dancing for no reason, a gentle brush of my cheek, and waking up next to someone that you cannot wait to talk to.  Maybe that will never exist for me.  Some people are just meant to be alone, and maybe I am one of them.  Maybe that is why every man that comes into my life leaves or lies.  Somewhere along the way, I have decided that I am not worth it.  Isn’t that what every single one of them has been telling me?  I am not worth sticking around for.  

I know deep down that this isn’t true.  One day I will find someone that loves me, body and soul.  He will challenge me to be better and love me even when I do not.  It's easy to look around at my friends that are getting married and feel like I am behind in life or that it will never happen for me.  The truth is I am still young, and I have a lot of life to live.  It is not always easy to see that all the heartbreak is making me stronger and shaping me into a better woman, but when I take the time to think about it, I know it is.  Besides, being bitter is a cop-out.