I once wrote that with D, it wasn’t goodbye forever, just goodbye for now. That may have been the case then, but is certainly is not the case now. The time has finally come, the limit has been reached, and I can’t keep holding onto something that was never really there.
The reality is he went back to his girlfriend. He went back to her and never told me, leaving me to keep hoping that one day, we would end up together. Every time we would talk and I asked how life was, he never once told me they were together again. It was as if he wanted to lead me on, to continue to receive my flirty attention. I had to see on Facebook that they were still “in a relationship” and then to ask one of his friends if they got back together. I knew the answer when I asked the question, but I needed it to be confirmed, I needed to hear someone say it.
I wanted to cry, to throw up, but I was at work. I had 4 hours left in the day and I had to hold it together as best I could. I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t throw up, and I couldn’t drink, so I did the only other thing left. I ate. I went to the cafe downstairs and got greasy, nasty, super bad-for-me food, and I ate my feelings, even though I still felt sick to my stomach. Focus on the french fries, focus on the ketchup, don’t focus on the fact that he lied to me. A lie of omission, but a lie nonetheless.
He is a selfish son of a bitch who was too much of a coward to tell me the truth, to tell me that he doesn’t want me, that I will never be able to be her. We can’t be friends after this, not that we ever really were. I told myself I got a few days, a few days to cry and be sad and learn how to breathe again. Because, in that moment, it felt like a elephant was sitting on my chest, holding me down, causing this uncontrollable pain yet intense emptiness.
I somehow made it to 5pm with the anticipation of drinking wine until I threw up. Chloe and Meg were coming over, so I did a frantic clean-up of my apartment, which held off my break down. As I threw the 10 pairs of shoes I had collected from around my apartment into my closet, I lost it. My back found the wall and the deep heaving sobs came rushing over me. Between the rattles in my chest, I couldn’t hold back the “Why?s” and the “How could he?s”. I once again found myself absolutely torn apart by a man, no not a man - a boy, who didn’t deserve my tears.
I thought he was a good man, an honest man. I thought that his intentions were never to hurt me. I saw a kindness in him, a warmth that I had never seen in a man before. Now, I think I saw what I wanted to see. I built him up to be someone so much better that he really is, than he ever can be. I stood up for him and risked friendships for him, and at the end of the day, he couldn't even tell me the truth. But what was I expecting? He lied to me when we first met, when he kissed me before he told me about his girlfriend. I was too quick to forget that.
I don’t know his reasons, and at this point they are mute. He gave up his opportunity to tell me, to explain. I don’t need to hear that she is the love of his life, or they have been together so long that he owes it to her to try. Maybe she has decided to move to DC and make that sacrifice for him. Or maybe, just maybe, he is going to move to be with her. That would be the best thing that could ever happen to me. If he left, and I never saw him again, then maybe I could heal.
The part of me that still loves him hates the idea of never see him again, hates that this really is the end of what I thought could have been my great romance. The much larger part of me that hates him can’t imagine seeing his face right now, can’t imagine not yelling at him if I did. Then there is the small part of me that actually has found some reason. This part of me knows not seeing him is the only way I will ever truly move on. After a year and half of falling for him, falling deeper into a web of unrequited love, I am ready to come up for air.
D will probably never read this, even though he has every opportunity to do so, just like he had every opportunity to tell me the truth. Even though he will never read this I am going to take this opportunity to say goodbye.
D,
This is really goodbye, no pleas that we are supposed to be friends can keep me this time. Friends don’t lie to each other. Friends don’t make each other feel like this. I don’t regret loving you, some might say I should, but I don’t. Every person you love teaches you something, helps you become who you are meant to be. I wish you could have loved me back, again, I know I shouldn’t, but I really do. I wish with all of my heart that you could have loved me, could have wanted more with me. I want you to be happy, but much more than that, I want to be happy! I deserve people in my life that contribute to my happiness, and that isn’t you. I don’t need you, and one day soon I won’t want you anymore either. One day you will be a distant memory, and I hope for that day with all of my being. But, for now, I will have to settle for saying goodbye to you forever. ~ H
