Him

Have you ever had that boy you just can’t shake?  No matter how awful he has been you still talk to him.  Its not that you love him, but you just can’t NOT be attracted to him.  I have one of those boys in my life right now.  I had a crush on him for months and then he finally bought me a drink, walked me home, and kissed me.  There were flirty texts, some more kissing, and then of course the bomb - he has a girlfriend.  Our social calendars put us in the same place once a week and it is torture.

I look at him and I can’t help but think about kissing him.  Why do I do that?  He has a girlfriend yet one look from him and my whole body reacts.  The look in his eyes makes my heart hurt.  I wish I could shake him, shake the want, shake the heartbreak that he ensues.  Everytime I think I am over it he pulls me back in.  He gets jealous or he flirts and I am right back where we started.  Sometimes I wish I was the kind of girl that didn’t care about a man’s relationship status.  But I am not. The guilt I feel from just flirting with him is stifling sometimes.  I could drown in the hurt and self loathing.  

I wish I knew what he was thinking, what he is feeling.  It's hard not knowing what someone that you think about all the time is actually thinking about you.  Do they ever even think about you at all? It makes me hate him, but yet not enough to stay away.  How come I can’t stay away?  

I didn’t even know I found glasses sexy. That damn bow tie!  When he unties it, leaving it hanging from his collar, it is my achilles heel.  I want to grab it and pull him into me by the tie.  Even though it has been months, our steamy make out session on my front steps flashes through my thoughts frequently.  I even sometimes think I can still feel the stinging of my swollen lips when my mind transports me back.  

What is worse than anything else is the thought of not seeing him.  I hate the idea of him not being there every week.  I am a masochist.  I would rather torture myself than not have him look at me with that spark in his eye.  Sometimes I wonder if it is all in my head, if he really just looks at me the way he looks at everyone else.  The reality is I was just a mistake for him.  Months ago when I was skinnier, he made the mistake of kissing me.  He is my weakness and I am his mistake.  I can’t believe I just said that, admitted that.  

I will one day shake him I am sure.  I will find someone to kiss me and mean it.  When I do he will not put me through turmoil.  I will not drown in self loathing.  I will just be happy, someday.